Love.

So ofhten I wonder where I would be if she never came into my life. If I never got to come home to that smile, that love, and that "I missed you so much" excitement. I wonder if I would still be where I was only a month before she came into my life - Not a thought as to if I would make it to the next day, let alone to my own bed that night. I can recall my father telling me that she would be too much - that the responsibility for a being like her was not meant for such a wild child as I. I then look back on the first time I left her in my room without me. The ache I had in my soul, and the desperate longing to leave the party and steal time under covers with scary movies, snacks, and cuddles. Safe to say, she was alone for maybe three hours total, but for me it felt like three days. I thought on how I picked her up at my mother's house - where she was deemed unfit to live, and absolutely broken in spirit. Where I picked her up, all 71.3 pounds of her and put her in my roommates car. I sat in the back seat with her as I stroked and kissed her head and I realized that I am now... a mother? A friend? A safe place?

If you haven't realized yet... She is my dog. So much more than a dog, though. She is the reason I come home. She is the reason I care enough about myself to have a home to come home to. She is the only reason I decided to keep breathing when life was at its worst and all I wanted to do was stop breathing entirely. If you do not have a dog, there simply is not a way to understand. While I understand mothers of humans have a bond with their children... there is something so different about knowing that an animal who does not speak your language, does not learn to feed themselves, and does not grow into a 'functioning' member of society will learn to rely on you. There is something about becoming an entire world to a creature who fills your heart with so much love, and clarity. her forehead is pressed against my thigh right now - my feet are up on the coffee table and she is taking up about 2/3 of the couch we are on.. but I wouldn't have it any other way. Her furry brother, who she taught so much to, lays in a ball on the other side of me.

The synchronization of their snores damn near brings tears to my eyes when I stop to think about it. I cannot fathom how my mother could look at this dog and try and sell her off to the biggest bid of a breeder. I cannot fathom how my little mutt on the other side was cast away to live on the streets. It hurts to know they faced so many horrors in the beginning of their lives - yet I am thankful. They pulled me from the bottom of the bottle, from the reckless, self destructive nights, to mornings making puppy paintings before coffee. I will never forget what she did for me. I will forever mourn her love, even though it is still snoring beside me.