Learning to Love

Someone I had known for a very long time used to lie to me all the time. Repeatedly, she would tell me things she thought I longed – or needed - to hear instead of things I knew in the heart of me to be true.

Over the long span of years, I chose to listen to her tall tales, believing each word or story she wove verbatim. It seemed much easier to do so. I mean, I didn’t gravitate to confrontation, and I knew that confronting my lifelong friend would result in a major, divisive argument that could potentially damage our relationship – and my sanity. Facing reality, or the truth in this case, was a difficult road upon which I did not wish to tread.

Then, one day, things changed and my desires for something more lasting and worthwhile took root. Through the years, my friend and I had not only grown close, we’d also grown much older, going through many trials and tribulations. A climatic, life changing event occurred and took precedence in my existence, giving a new borne determination to right the wrongs and pursue an unblemished future. Becoming a parent meant that I must be more earnest, truthful, and motivated in steering the life that had been gifted to me in the form of a beautiful baby girl. It also meant that I must confront my closest and oldest friend about her lies. It meant I must confront myself and learn to love myself in order to be the best parent – and person – I could be for this little life entrusted to me.

Yes, it was me that I chose to love despite the lies I’d told myself for so long, and in doing so, I became free of the revolving lies that filled my life. My lies were mostly about myself, but they also hid truths about my spouse, friends, and other components of my life. We lie to ourselves for a multitude of reasons, but for me, it had become a cringe worthy habit of not facing the truth. I’d made a habit of painting brightly colored pictures, including self-portraits, in lieu of seeking the muted colors that lay hidden beneath the colorful palettes. In doing so, I learned that the truths derived in the muted colors could be just as beautiful and rewarding as the brightly hued lies I'd told myself for so many years.

So, in the year following the birth of my first child, I made a promise to myself: I would no longer hide behind the lies. Instead, I would learn to love myself and appreciate the qualities with which I’d been gifted and work hard to improve upon the faults that lay within my depths. I would also strive to accept the fact that people were not perfect, but I could still love them, shortcomings and all. This I would do, not only for my child, but more importantly for myself.

It’s been more than thirty years since that enlightening epiphany. No longer lying to myself has brought a depth of growth, change, expansion, and fulfillment to my life. The world is now much more welcoming, challenging, and rewarding.

Yes, it was me: I was the liar I chose to love. Learning to love myself has brought a wealth of knowledge and contentment, opening doors that I never dreamt existed. It is the catalyst of a well driven, purposeful life and breathes existence into an otherwise dismal world. It is a replenishing gift that I gave myself, and I am thankful for it each and every day.