Just some Thoughts. Part 2

Whelp. Here I am again, writing yet another panicked, half-depressed, sort of diary entry. Right now is the last crunch/push to reach the finish line. I really should have started sooner. I wish I could go back in time, give myself a big punch, and then sternly say, "start now, finish now." The wonders a time machine could do for humanity. I should probably stop writing this now.

I have a problem. My tennis coach says that I show leadership by doing the right thing and then inspiring my teammates to do the same. I'm not sure about that though. It looks like I'm very well put together on the outside, but on the inside, I'm like a slime that has yet to be activated. (Blame those slime Tik Toks on the analogy) I'm right here, right now doing what nobody should be doing. I'm very much enjoying my internal fright. Oh geez. (I've sighed about 20 times while writing this)

The root cause: I hate myself. But then again, haven't most people in their lifetime? oh geez. not again. i don't even have the time to hate myself. woe is me. I have a lot of things that I want to do, but I don't ever start doing them. Such is the fate of moonlight. At one point, I decided that my only purpose in life was to serve others. In prettier terms, make sure that other people become their best self and become the biggest person they can. I think that kinda makes sense? Whelp. (Another sigh has escaped) I recently read Macbeth, and the one part that caught my eye was when Macbeth is talking about the meaninglessness of life. Someone I know was going on and on about how it's so special because that it's a villain that is saying that life has no purpose and that I've done this much, so it doesn't matter if I do more. How interesting. It sounds like my current predicament. I have ruined my life, so what's the problem of ruining it even more? Is there any purpose in fixing what is broken? This reminds of when my Coach says to not give up even when we are losing by a considerable amount. My Coach says that there is always a chance. A chance to do better or, in this case, to win. I guess it goes back to the one thing that will never leave humans: hope. Honestly, I always wondered why people write more about love than they do about hope. Hope is more magical, and if you look at it a certain way, love is almost just hope.

That's enough for now, I have to go finish stuff. See ya.