I'm back again, with even more crazy thoughts. I've recently read some materials, and the overall theme of said materials happened to be courage. Now, if you look it up, the definition of courage, at least on Bing, means the ability to face something that frightens. That got me thinking about how courage ties into fear and survival. Over the years and over several assignments, I've learned that fear is an emotion known to all organisms with a slight consciousness. Fear is not only an emotion, but also the means to survival. So, if fear does not exist, that means courage would not either. And since that survival is dependent on fear, without the need to survive, courage would not exist. Therefore, the existence of courage goes against what people now might think. Some, at least the people around me, say that we don't live to survive, but rather we live for a different purpose. So, courage means that humans haven't evolved beyond living for survival. Humans have achieved consciousness beyond the average mammal, but we still have not reached our full potential, as a species. We are still bound by our primitive selves, and I do not think that we are capable of reaching beyond this shackle.

When I realized this a few days ago, I thought this might be something amazing. We've just made it so that we live at a heightened sense of survival. Writing this makes me sad, and I often wonder if it's even worth living. But there is a beauty in the way that we live, hopeful that the fight for survival will be better than yesterday. That's why people keep going, the hope, the promise that tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

Thank you.

I am back again. This week has become quite the eye opener for me. I have finally realized what a huge coward I am. I have a problem, and instead of finding and fixing the root of the problem, I continue to battle the symptoms of problem and say, 'oh, woe is me!' If you would have told past me the state that present me was in now, past me say, 'come on now, it can't be too bad!' and then you would have to again inform them of the misfortune that is the MoonLioness.

I want nothing more than to go back and time and fix all of my mistakes. When I was younger, I once heard from someone, that 'a life lived with regrets is not a life lived at all'. So I had tried my best to have no regrets, zero regrets. I regret that.

I regret that.

Still, what has been done cannot be undone, so now the question is, how am I supposed to make up my shortcomings? Actually, that not be the right question. Maybe it's more, how can I live with so much regret, and how can I move forward? This seems like the right thing. I should stop here, so i want to say, please live well.

Time for another.... diary entry! I think I will just keep writing these, just to get the thoughts out of my head.

The days that I truly feel lonely, that's when I end up trying to distract myself too much. I just don't want to be alone, ever. This is contradictory, considering that I'm an introvert and want to be alone to recharge after meeting with people. I just can't stand the silence. Maybe I'll be okay with the silence when I'm older, but as I am right now, I can see myself in the future playing music during the daytime. In addition to music, I like to watch shows or videos, and seemingly become an addiction. If the entertainment was a flame, I would be a moth destined to fly right into the heart. One thing stems from another, and as I have mentioned in my previous 'Just Some Thoughts.', I don't trust myself. Part of that stems from the fact that I'll say one thing and do another, but I don't do just once, I do it nearly every time.

*This one is very short because I ended up going to bed without finishing this and it doesn't feel right finishing it on a different day.

Whelp. Here I am again, writing yet another panicked, half-depressed, sort of diary entry. Right now is the last crunch/push to reach the finish line. I really should have started sooner. I wish I could go back in time, give myself a big punch, and then sternly say, "start now, finish now." The wonders a time machine could do for humanity. I should probably stop writing this now.

I have a problem. My tennis coach says that I show leadership by doing the right thing and then inspiring my teammates to do the same. I'm not sure about that though. It looks like I'm very well put together on the outside, but on the inside, I'm like a slime that has yet to be activated. (Blame those slime Tik Toks on the analogy) I'm right here, right now doing what nobody should be doing. I'm very much enjoying my internal fright. Oh geez. (I've sighed about 20 times while writing this)

The root cause: I hate myself. But then again, haven't most people in their lifetime? oh geez. not again. i don't even have the time to hate myself. woe is me. I have a lot of things that I want to do, but I don't ever start doing them. Such is the fate of moonlight. At one point, I decided that my only purpose in life was to serve others. In prettier terms, make sure that other people become their best self and become the biggest person they can. I think that kinda makes sense? Whelp. (Another sigh has escaped) I recently read Macbeth, and the one part that caught my eye was when Macbeth is talking about the meaninglessness of life. Someone I know was going on and on about how it's so special because that it's a villain that is saying that life has no purpose and that I've done this much, so it doesn't matter if I do more. How interesting. It sounds like my current predicament. I have ruined my life, so what's the problem of ruining it even more? Is there any purpose in fixing what is broken? This reminds of when my Coach says to not give up even when we are losing by a considerable amount. My Coach says that there is always a chance. A chance to do better or, in this case, to win. I guess it goes back to the one thing that will never leave humans: hope. Honestly, I always wondered why people write more about love than they do about hope. Hope is more magical, and if you look at it a certain way, love is almost just hope.

That's enough for now, I have to go finish stuff. See ya.

Everywhere I go, the number 23 sticks out to me like a sore thumb. For instance, if I was taking a math test, the number that would stand out to me would be 23. The first time that I actually noticed this was happening was 2 years ago, when the number stood out to me three times in three different places. It wasn't until later that I realized that the number had been sticking out to me for years. Sometimes, I think that something good will happen to me on the 23rd day of the month, but nothing too special has happened on those days. At one point, I thought that 2023 would be a great year, but then again nothing good has happened. If anything, I would say that messed up more this year than before, but still, I have learned a lot of new things this year. Because of how many times I've seen '23', I feel a sense of comfort whenever I see it. I'll be having a bad day, and then I'll see the '23' somewhere and remember that's it's okay and that I'll be alright. Maybe when I'm 23 I'll have the best year ever. Whatever the reason '23' keeps appearing, I will always think of it as something good to come.

Dear October,

It's lovely that you've come to visit us again. To be honest, I like you, but I also hate you. It's not you, it's me. I love the spooky decorations and the cooler weather that you bring. Although I am awful with horror movies, I still watch them for you. I hope you're happy.

You really love going by in the blink of an eye. One moment, I'll be celebrating that it is your first day, and the next, I'll be handing out candy to the eager children. I wish that you lasted longer, the time you give is so very special to me.

You, October, are a month of change. In school, everyone has gotten comfortable by the time they meet you, and have no problem waving goodbye to you as well. It makes me sad sometimes, the kids not cherishing you as well as they should.

That is all for now. As our time comes to end, October, I hope you'll visit once again. And maybe stay for longer?

Sincerely,

MoonLioness

I am lost. One moment, I was a kid, the next, I've become a teenager who is supposed to contribute to the global economy and do something other than study and play games. Most of the kids around me are go getters. They do everything to get to the top and I admire all of them for that. Where I live, anything but the best is not acceptable. Me, I've fallen far behind. Far, far behind. I gave up on myself a long time ago. Sometimes I in my head I think 'Oh, today is the day where I am going to turn my life around!'. Nope. Not even remotely happening. I should probably be working instead of writing this. Can you guess what stage of life I am at now? Maybe that's where I went wrong. You know, the giving up on myself. I also don't trust myself very much. The few things I can trust myself to do: fail, waste my time, and generally be a very big disappointment to my parents. I have an older sibling. Now, this sibling is perfect. They've always been perfect: top of their class, everyone likes them, etc. I am less than a speck of dust compared to my sibling. It hurts to think that, but it's the truth. This is the third time I've tried to write something like this in the past few months. I am sorely lacking in the brain department. I'm sure a lot of people have felt like this at some point in their life. Everyone is always like, you're not alone, We've been there and done that! Even though, why do I still feel very alone? I'm delusional. I should go.

Until the next freakout and minor panic attack,

Have a Good Day! :)

It was a dark and stormy night, though only for Ivor. He was walking home now, after another long, boring day of work; he had spent the day staring at a screen, pen in hand, waiting for inspiration to strike him like a lightning bolt. Ivor would say that the three lines he had drawn made the day a success, considering that he often struggled to even get out of bed. Ivor looked uncomfortable now. The path that he was taking happened to include a group of older teenagers, all wearing college sweatshirts. This unfortunately reminded him of his torturous college days, a dark time indeed. The teenagers gave him a wide berth, almost as if they could see the dark cloud above him, chasing away any signs of a positive emotion.

Sometimes,

I,

Climb,

Soar,

But,

Then,

I fall,

Sinking,

Deeper,

A dark ocean,

Waiting,

Sometimes,

A fog,

It clouds,

It seeps,

Lurking,

Shadows,

So sudden,

Jolting,

Silent Killer.

The words,

They leak,

Flowing out,

A trickle,

A stream,

A river,

Now,

Gushing,

A torrent,

Me,

A cage of sugar,

Melted,

Me,

Slowly,

Freedom,

I'm ready,

Break free,

Fly,

Words,

Power,

Show the light,

It's time.