we are all walking dictionaries
i was not conceived in love
but i am here
never picked up, never held, passed to strangers from newspaper ads
what pressure on a little heart of coal
so concentrated was i alone, left, neglected
that when i felt Jesus' love
i loved so hard the coal burst past being diamond into something more precious-
forgiveness
i had to be destroyed with hurt to fully understand how beautiful forgiveness is
when i was about 8 i began playing sports
paper and pencil in hand, i asked my daddy if he'd sign to let me join basketball
he smiled my same crooked smile
same deep dimple
same grey eyes
and asked me "what if you get hurt"
unsure if that was an answer to give out of turn; i stood taller and leaned in
he punched me in the face, hard and direct- i felt it in my heels... that's how I remember it
i'm sure i shook but i did not cry
he signed the paper... with an 'X' i'd have to explain later
i was the smallest forward on my team, never had that man in the bleachers
but i played every game unafraid because before i ever tried out, i earned my spot
this became a theme in my life
violence made me confident in ways other young people were not
i feared nothing
confidence, even if derived from violence was a blessing, old testament style
as a child i learned that God does, absolutely communicate with us
when we are focused enough to remain in a place where he can
in that place
where i still fight to be
i fear nothing, have anxiety for nothing, worry is walled to a short distance
God's grace is a blessing that drapes these things- away from my sight
so much so i damaged myself with it--
blessings can be a powerful change agent for good or bad
this is the hardest bit to understand
that blessings can hurt
everyday i wake free, i feel and fully know i am blessed
every time i look at my sons, i know fully i am blessed
when a car going 45mph slammed into me throwing me into traffic-
i. was. blessed.
God broke my spine to keep me from abusing my blessings of fearlessness
God broke my heart to keep me from being a violent person, a blessing of mercy
sometimes a blessing is something direct
not dying on the freeway
my sons being born
my son beating alcoholism
my son fighting the inheritance of the... violence over and over and over
sometimes a blessing is promise, where faith is made
so we are not crushed under things like grief or pain
the Bible offers these examples and you get them just from reading it daily looking for them
sometimes a blessing is gift, like strength... and it comes with fair instruction but for a failed human operating system
sometimes a blessing is only in a realization...
and sometimes it is not even our own but through us
i have cradled the only people to truly love me as they died
so they could die at home
trading the blessing of their love
to give them a blessing of choice
i chose a career where no one wanted to be
talking to humans no one wants around
blessed with a curiosity for broken things
i stood boldly before them- humanizing them
i am wounded for this
but others i watched blessing befall- in my wounds are blessings
even if not my own
the world wants to pin definitions on things, as a collective
which is a definition
of sorts
bowing my head over food i am thankful
a kind word or an 'i love you' when meant to someone is a spoken blessing
because it is giving them something they did not have before they did
for me however, the collective 'idea' of what a blessing is-
can only be defined by the individual
can only be felt when realized
and absolutely can be created
and found
Psalm 34:8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. How happy is the man who takes refuge in Him!
Isaiah 53:5
“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”