thoughts on a beautiful beach day

I've been here before.

Sitting on a swing at sunset,

thinking about a boy,

the salty ocean breeze blowing past,

stinging my skin with the memories of you.

It's not just any boy I'm thinking of;

it's always the same one.

He has brown hair,

pale blue eyes I get lost in.

He has always had such beautiful eyes.

In them, I see

pain and longing,

but also care and love.

He used to look at me with those loving eyes,

but now all I get is a blank look when I reach out.

And his hands-

the hands that used to hold me.

He used to tell me he was holding the world in his hands when we were together.

He used to protect me,

used to fight every battle- no matter how small or dumb-

just so I would never have to fight by myself.

He made me feel less alone.

He's the boy of my dreams.

Even when he's not around,

I get to see him there.

It's not as good as being held by him,

feeling like the whoole world is just him and I,

but it's something.

So I cling to those dreams as if it's the last I'll ever have.

You never know when the last time will be,

if this boy has taught me anything.

Because I never imagined that'd be the last time I could get lost in his eyes without it being wrong and unfair.

I never imagined having to go a day without his gorgeous eyes.

And now that he's moving on,

finding love in someone else,

I'm trying so desperately to remember every word we ever said to each other,

every embrace I forgot to cherish in the moment,

back when I thought I'd have forever.

I write, and I write,

I write it all down as if I have dementia,

and every memory is fleeting faster than I can enjoy it.

They say that after the human body dies,

the brain lives for seven minutes.

When that happens to me, I want him to be my seven minutes,

but I don't want it to feel like this,

I want to think of him as mine.

I want to be able to think that I'm going to miss my husband,

the husband that I've loved so dearly for 30, 40, 50 years.

However long I can have with him,

I want it.

I want all of it.

I want to love him selfishly,

desperately,

unconditionally,

all like I already do.

But I want to love him publicly.

I don't want to hide it.

I want him to be mine.

And when the sun has set on another beautiful beach day

that I had to spend without him,

I'll go to my bed,

and dream of him.

And I'll wake up and do the same again tomorrow,

because this boy-

he is my life.