loved you too much
from the moment i saw you
i knew we had something special
but it couldn't be
because i loved someone else
or i thought i did
you flashed smiles across the room
made jokes as i walked past you
teased me relentlessly
trusted me with every secret
stole my heart from the start
but you had a girlfriend
and i stayed away
because i would never try to come between you
and the girl you loved
i wanted you to be happy
but all the times you told me she hurt you
or that she used you
that she never actually wanted you
those moments hurt
because i only wanted you
and then you finally realized
that i was the one who was always there for you
who cared about you, not your money or your looks
but i saw you for you
even if you didn't
so why would you hurt me like that?
why would you act like you were going to end up just like him
after i had just lost him; a really close friend
not even a week before
was it for attention?
and i still stayed with you
because you apologized
and it wasn't really all better
but at least you tried to fix it, right?
wrong, because just when i thought it was going to be okay
you tell me about her
the newer, hotter girl you were talking to
as if we weren't even a thing, like you never cared
what was i supposed to do, stay with you?
let you continue to hurt me?
so i left, knowing that i loved you
but that you would never love me enough
that i would never be enough for you
no matter what i changed about myself
or how hard i tries
warning
before you fall in love again
or rekindle the fire we used to have
heed this warning
i can't be who you want me to be
i won't say what you want me to say
i need to be me if we're going to start this again
i won't always feel like enough
but i'll always try to be
because i love you so much that i'm willing to lose myself for a second time
to make you happy
and sometimes when i look in the mirror
i hate what i see, and wonder how you could ever love that
so i'm sorry if that shows too much
but i just want to know who i am
what i am, even if it means upsetting you
and going around in circles with you again and again
little mr. everything
"you just gotta embrace it, nothing's wrong."
but he just doesn't get it, something is wrong
"just keep thinking that everything is okay and it will be."
but that's not always the case, because i can't be okay without him
"don't let the world tell you who you are, you can be anyone."
but what if who i want to be isn't who the world lets me be?
"you don't need to tell people everything, keep it to yourself."
but it hurts, and i need to put it out there somehow, or it'll be too much to handle
"i don't, and it always turns out fine for me."
but i'm not you, and that won't solve this problem
"then just roll with it."
and lose myself?
"you can't lose yourself."
why? just because you never have? you don't know everything.
"i never claimed to."
but you always act like you're just little mr. everything, and everything always turns out okay for you.
"because it has to."
why? why does it have to?
"because that's just how it is."
because that how you make it.
"you wouldn't understand."
then make me
"i can't."
then you do get it. i can't be okay right now, and i need someone there for me
"i am."
no, you're not. you never are. you basically just tell me to get over it
"because that's.."
yeah, yeah, that's what you do. i get it, already.
"i was going to say, that's my way of dealing with things."
what?
"this might be hard to believe, but i'm not perfect, and i cover it up with a smile."
oh.
"i force myself to be okay, so you can be okay. so everyone around me can be okay."
okay...
"and sometimes it is all just too much. but i can't let that stop me from living my life."
yeah, i get that.
"i have to continue to move on, so i just tell myself it'll be okay eventually, and i live."
you don't just breathe, you live. i admire that.
"i tell myself that's what true strength is, but sometimes i think it's just something i tell myself to make me feel alright."
it is strength, or at least, one form of it.
"yeah, well, i don't always feel strong. and it doesn't come easy. it's draining sometimes, but at least i get to enjoy some things, right?"
yeah.
wondering
when the lights go out and the curtains close
and you find yourself standing on that stage
wondering
what would happen if you could do it all again
when the crowd files out and the game is over
do you ever wonder
if you would have won
if you were given another chance
or what if you had never moved
and left all of your friends behind
what would be happening right now
or maybe what is happening, without you
and if you had told someone what he told you
because maybe you could have saved him
if you hadn't been such a bad friend
and let him go that easily
or if you had kept trying to get through to the one you love
but instead he's gone, and you miss him
because when you see him, or something that reminds you of him
it hurts, and you regret letting him go
memories and sounds
your voice
the way it went quiet when you were upset
the sad guitar you played
the melodies that gave me shivers
the laughs and screams
from our first date at the amusement park
the songs you sent me
that make me cry when i hear them now
your heartbeat, so close to mine
a slow, but steady beating
the best months of my life
reduced to memories and sounds
Burden
Sometimes I feel like a burden. I scare people away with my thoughts and feelings; or at least, that's what I think.
I only have one friend, but she's worth it. She makes me the person I am today. No matter how much I doubt my worth, she tries to make me feel better; she tells me that she loves me, and that she always will.
But how am I supposed to just expect her to process everything I'm feeling, when it's too much for me to handle? I tell myself that she won't want to know, or that she'll think of me differently if I tell her certain things that I feel.
I lost a friend, and even though it's been a while since he's been gone, there are songs that put me right back to when I first found out he was gone. I get in a mood, and it's hard to break out of it. He really was one of my closest friends, and now I push away anyone who reminds me of him. I'm not proud of it, but I know that's what I'm doing.
It just hurts to think that I can love someone, and then lose them in an instant, just like with him. Love is a hard emotion, and it causes me to feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I never get it right; that no one would ever love me if they knew the real me.
But my friend; she tells me what I need to hear. Even when I don't know that I need to hear it. She's always there, encouraging me, helping me get of whatever funk I've been in.
I want another chance at love, but I've thought that maybe I've blown all the chances I was going to get. That maybe I'm not worth another chance.
I know now that I'm wrong. There are people out there who could love me, and there are people who do love me. I'm finally going to be okay. I still need to work on loving myself more, and committment, but I'm finally okay emotionally; which is all that really matters in the moment.
Gray Skies
Stormy night on a haunted street
All night, the sun and the rain compete
When dawn breaks, the people crowd together
To observe all the terrors
Committed by nightfall
The horror and disgust
On the children's faces
Kicking through all the dust
To see the obscure places
The people go home
The streets becomes tranquil, calm
The gray sky sets in
distance
how can thirteen miles feel like so much distance?
relatively speaking, you're so close to me
but sometimes it feels like we're on different planets
it's so hard to imagine you in your present state
i used to be able to see you every day
but now, i feel unreachable, and seeing each other is a rare occurance
i love you too much for this to be our life
our relationship thrives off of communication
and being this far away makes my problems seem too small to matter
yet even when you're that far away
you're still the closest person to me
you know me better than anyone ever will
that's how i keep my faith in you
telling myself that this distance is an out
yet you stay
so maybe i really can mean something to somebody
because why else would you stick around?
why else would you act like thirteen miles is nothing?
the finale of right now
the good times always come to an end
so sometime soon
somthing is going to happen
something will go wrong
at least, according to murphy's law it will
i'm thinking maybe someone from my past comes back
or i get framed for a crime
either way, it should at least be a little exciting
and even if it's not, i'll have a new story to tell once it's over
What now?
Being omnipotent is something everyone wants, right?
The ability to anything?
Imagine this:
A world of peace, no war, no arguements, just harmony
The end of world hunger, no mothers going hungry to provide for their children
Everyone has a job, no matter how simple or complicated, nobody has to file unemployment or worry about the lights or water being shut off
Now imagine you wake up with the ability to do anything in the world; no one can stop you
We all know that what we say we would do is probably not what we would actually do
We can say all we want that we would solve all the problems the world has
But imagine the pressure that you will feel trying to do everything, no one to help you
Imagine you try and try, but can't figure out the solution to every problem that needs solving
How omnipotent would you feel then?
Would you still feel like you could do anything?
Would you still enjoy having that power?
Or would it turn into a burden over time, somthing you wish you could get rid of?
Imagine you're the one everybody blames when they wake up and nothing has changed
Or maybe it has, just not for the better
Imagine the guilt, the helplessness you would feel if it was you
What would you do then?