"Holly, come downstairs! The Elmore's are here."

The Elmore's are my mom's friends. My brother David was always their favorite, but he's gone now.

I go down the stairs, not wanting to seem rude, but not in the holiday spirit since losing David.

About halfway down the stairs, I hear his voice. "David?" I whisper.

He turns around and says, "Where have you been Holls?" with a grin on his face as if he hasn't been dead six months.

I'm crying and hugging him while both sets of parents look concerned.

"Why is she calling me David? I'm not David!"

The gentle flame ignites once more,

the shape of your face contorting in the dim light,

turning to shadows as you whisper softly.

The grotesque grin on your face is enough to induce nausea,

my stomach churns as your words fall flat.

They’re lost on me,

I’ve no strength but to stare across the table.

I see your mouth moving but hear nothing you say for a long moment.

Some of your words finally break through the haze-

It was all you.

It was always you.

I’m suddenly on the cold, hard floor.

I’m shaking violently,

tears fighting to escape my tightly pinned mouth.

You’ve sewn my lips shut.

You’ve told your last stories about me.

Should have made the last one count.

You silenced me for good this time.

I sit up,

stunned by how good you suddenly look.

Your face turns beautifully perfect,

like when I first met you.

You hug me,

and I lean into your strong embrace.

That’s right.

You’re okay,

You’re mine.

I allow myself to be your puppet.

I am yours.

And it all goes dark again.

Lately your scent has been following me,

lingering when I need it the least.

Your smile haunts my dreams,

making me happy in ways I can't describe-

until I wake up.

I thought the dreams of you were gone for good,

that the images of the two of us

would stop flashing in my mind,

teasing me about what could have been.

I thought I was done missing you.

I wasn't.

God

Today I feel unsure.

Of my place in the world,

the one person I thought I truly loved,

everything.

I'm starting nursing school soon,

but I just need a sign

that after three years trying to choose a career,

I have chosen something that will bring you glory.

And I need a sign to stay,

to keep fighting for this love,

even though I am only fighting myself.

Today I pray for peace,

tomorrow, answers,

even if you decide that the decision must come from me.

I just need guidance,

because I can't go back to who I was,

when I was always unhappy,

and self-sabotaging.

I want to keep moving forward,

if only to further your kingdom.

It's always a contest

in the darkness of my mind.

I'm always scheming,

planning,

trying to find a way to win.

Of course,

the contest is only real

inside of me.

No one else knows

what thoughts are swirling.

I use this contest

to make myself happy.

But it does the opposite.

I retreat further and

further,

into myself.

I let my emotions run

rampant,

but keep them contained.

I used to be the kind of girl

who would write a poem

about how she felt

and show it to whoever

made her feel

the way the poem described.

Now,

I can't even

admit half

the thoughts I have

even to a pad of paper.

I've been in this contest

since I can remember.

But what if winning

means losing myself?

Every shred

of who I used to be.

Because winning this

wretched contest,

pretending like I don't care,

like everything in the world is perfect,

might just cost me everything.

We're not the same as we once were.

I've been reading through our messages-

the ones where you said I was yours forever,

where you made me feel like I was beautiful,

where you said you wanted to hold me until I fell alseep,

because you knew that nights get hard sometimes.

And I saw the ones where we'd joke-

about the future, about you and me,

maybe a family together someday,

our future house, future jobs.

We were going to have it all.

The messages are making me cry,

more than usual tonight, like we're actually over this time.

I really hope you still read them too,

the "I love You's," the "See you tomorrow's,"

even the "screw you's," when we'd laugh and joke everyday.

I miss being able to tell you things and not feel bad about it.

I miss our old vibe,

where it was you and me against the world no matter what.

I wanted forever with you, and I thought you wanted it too.

We were all in, until we weren't.

It feels like we're strangers again, to be honest,

after how close we once were, the life we had planned out.

I had my whole career planned, and you wanted it all for me,

plus you by my side through it all, no matter where life would take us.

I want that for us.

I want all that love, plus more.

I feel selfish for reaching out to you again.

Maybe we're better off without each other.

I don't think I'm ever going to find out.

I spend every day thinking about why I can't be happy with him.

It's because I'll always love you.

I used to think you were the one before the one.

Not anymore, because now I'm sure you're THE one.

I can never stop thinking about you.

I can't stop dreaming about you at night.

And I definitely can't stop missing you.

After all this time, I'd still give anything.

I would do absolutely anything to spend forever with you.

Sleeping here by myself,

I have some of the best dreams,

where you and I are still in love,

not just on each other's teams.

But some nights,

sleeping by myself gets scary.

All of my darkest thoughts and all the memories come up,

reminding me of all that I alone, must carry.

Sleeping alone means that you're not here,

you're not by my side, holding me in your arms.

Instead you're out there somewhere,

while I'm here hiding from the dark.

And yes, I always sleep by myself nowadays,

but you're finally back and we're talking again

and I'd stay friends like this forever if it means you'd stay,

because I need you in my life constantly, not just now and then.

I know I'm being unfair, going to sleep without a goodnight, while he lies awake,

and I hope that he doesn't realize that the one who gets my goodnight texts is you.

But I can't help thinking I'd run back to you any day you want,

because for you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.

When you said that I fail every time,

I knew in the moment that you were just mad.

But I couldn't help thinking about how right you were.

I've trusted people I knew all along

were only going to bring me down.

I've loved people I shouldn't have, I still do.

And some people, I just can't let go of.

I forgive,

even when the situation doesn't call for it.

I hope,

even though I know I'm setting myself up for diappointment.

And I don't do the best in school,

because sometimes deadlines and pressure

cause panic attacks.

When you said that I fail all the time,

I knew you were right.

But that doesn't make it hurt less,

especially coming from you.