Meditations

Ok, so recently I told one of my friends that I meditate every night. They opened up their eyes like hot air balloons and jumped up and down in excitement. "Wait, you meditate? How did I not know this? That is amazing!" They said, and immediately, I regretted mentioning anything. I don't meditate because I want people to think I'm cool. It isn't something I do to achieve my best life style or be "at peace with myself." Its something I do because I have no other choice. This is my way of stopping myself from obsessing over murdering some one as I go to bed. I learned breathing exercises so I could calm down at school instead of breaking down. I did all this because I have to. I did all this because I wanted a life that wasn't me convincing myself I still deserved to live. I do these things because they have proven to be the most effective measure against every horror the world has to offer. Reducing it to anything except that is just cruel. I didn't do it to please you. I didn't even do it to please myself. I did it because it brought me some peace. I did it because after years of drugs nothing seemed to work. I did it because there was no end to the madness in my head. I did it because I had no where else to turn. I do it still because it keeps me sane. I do it still because it taught me to focus my attention on a sound so annoying I can barely think. It taught me to make that sound my entire reality. The whirring of a machine becomes the vast intricacies of the cosmos. The ticking of a clock becomes the fabric of time, set in motion by mortal hands. Then, before I know it my head isn't spinning. My thoughts, if not whole, are just a little bit clearer than when I left and the everything makes sense. For one fucking second it makes sense.

The voices in my head keep talking. The conversations among my peers keep going. I look up and I am among yet distant. I am not outcast and yet I will never be a part of the group. I'm different. I spent years learning breathing techniques so I could survive a single day at school, only to go to bed at night and do everything I can to learn something more, something permanent. At the same time, I know I could never be happy with ordinary. No matter how many years I spend learning to fit in I will still be me. And, that will never be enough, not even for me. So I keep going, hoping that one day I will be ok with not being perfect, but simply existing and knowing, that that is enough.