i feel so deeply!

i knew what the consequence would be if i were to allow myself to admit the feelings that my heart was so eager to force my mind to accept. so i ignored and distracted. but i also kissed, and laughed, and touched, and yearned. i was foolish to think i could have the best of both worlds and still win the war. i knew i would lose one day, but i thought if i gave myself more time, more preparation, it would hurt a little less. again, i was foolish. the day of acceptance, when the battle was lost, the consequence followed almost immediately. it gave me no time to regret having a moment of weakness. it gave me no time to have even a sliver of hope that i might have been wrong, that it could have been me. if you've never felt the defeat of heartache, here's a little insight: you can't breathe for a moment, and when you finally catch your breath, your chest begins to feel an ache. your body runs hot, as if you suddenly have a fever of 102. nausea creeps in, and the last meal you ate threatens to come up and splatter all over your living room floor. the tears will be shed, there is no time limit on this. you'll cry in the shower, on your way to and from work, in bed before sleep overcomes you and you wake up with swollen eyes the next morning.

someone asked me if i would rather continue feeling everything as deeply as i do, or feel nothing at all. this is a difficult question to answer, as heartache never gets easier. each time hurts just the same as the last. but i will never regret,

i feel so deeply! i always will!