Right now, I have two options. I can say fuck the dope, take back my life and move full force. Or I can let jails, institutions, or death ruin my life. No one can make the choice but me. I can hustle legally and gain or I can hustle illegally and there is risk. At least my ex-boyfriend kept it 100 about dragging me down. Cuz in all honesty, he is and has. In reality, all I want is my fairytale ending. I want my business, a loving family that I create. Or I can be strung out and doing some stupid shit. One day, my luck will run out. I honestly don't want to go to prison. But if I keep making dumb decisions that's where I will end up. It will break my parents' heart. I have two options. Either fix all this shit and go after my happy ever after or trap like a dumb ass. My decisions now will affect everything in my life later. I know what to do. Luck will come to an end eventually and soon it will all catch up with me. I'm already a few strikes away from this ditch of hell. They say the worst neighborhood is in between your ears. I'm just praying to the higher power that he gives me the guidance to make the right choices. I just want to better my life. I rather not escort or feel like a sexual object to a guy that just sees me for my assets. I can go on and on about what's in my head. But I'll tell you this once and twice again if you'll just sit and listen.

I have one friend. He is male, I am female. He is the Ying to my Yang. If you ask me why he is my best friend, I'd tell you that the trait that he carries is relentlessness. I carry resilience. He teaches me to move forward after I get up from falling down. He teaches me unconditional love, no matter what my thoughts are. He teaches me to stand 10 toes down on my decisions. I learned how to follow through from him. We both have potential. What makes us best friends is the consistent positive traits that we throw at each other to balance each other out. We are both recovering addicts with goals, dreams, and ambition. We are the walking definition of perseverance. He is confident. He is strong. He is courageous. I call him my best friend. His name is Shane.

I used to think that drugs and alcohol could solve all my problems, even if I didn't have any. I would use on any occasion. I didn't care how I felt, what was important, or not important. I used if I was happy, sad, mad, etc.I just knew that drugs and alcohol were my antidote to life.

If you asked me what was going on, I would give you a simple response and tell you nothing. But, I seemed to be slipping deeper and deeper into a darker hole than most. I'm so stuck that I'm losing everything. My friends. My career. My family.

Little did I know that it was deeper than that. I used to cover up childhood trama. I can cry right now because I was hoping that using would make the pain go away. It didn't and it won't.

I had work to do. It's easy not to use but it's harder to do self work. It takes courage to decide that it's your life and that you are in control. Once upon a time drugs were my antidote for everything. Now that I’m clean, I love to write about how my drug addiction changed my life. That's my antidote.