sometimes i want to just scream,

i’m trapped in my head, i can’t think

my thoughts are flooded, i can’t breathe

i wish all my problems would just shrink

i feel like i’m living a bad dream,

i’m being pulled apart by the seams

i’m different, what does that mean?

sometimes i wish that i was unseen

damage has a way of following me,

i’ve learned that my heart will always bleed

i’m crazy, can’t you see?

stop viewing from a screen

i have demons following,

can’t you see that the problem is me

things have felt off lately,

i just can’t be sure what

i’m starting to feel like i’m stuck in a rut

i know that i’ve changed,

i can feel it deep down

i don’t want to admit it because i look like a clown

i know what i want,

it’s never wavered in my mind

but if i’m staying with you, i leave all that behind

i’m bent over backwards, i’m gonna fall soon

my eyes are now open, but still i cling onto you

you won’t tell me you love me,

it’s been over a year

when are you going to stop living in fear?

i’ve proven myself,

all my love and devotion

so why are you showing such a lack of emotion?

you know that i want you,

all strings attached

so you’ve tied me around your finger,

your way of keeping me latched

this isn’t fair, what i want doesn’t matter

i can’t keep serving you with my heart on a platter

you said you don’t want commitment,

you’re scared to let your feelings show

i’d probably be better off if you would just let me go

i’ve held on so long,

tried so hard to make this work

but actually leaving would make me look like a jerk

i told you i’d be here,

i don’t really want to go

i just want the commitment, and you already know

it’s weighing heavy on my heart,

i really don’t know what to do

i can’t even see myself actually leaving you

you’re my best friend,

my safe space, you’re my home

and the more i think about it,

the more i see that i’m still scared to be

alone

i fucked it up

can’t take it back now

i have so much to say,

but I don’t even know how

i’m scared that i’ll lose you,

that you’ll pack up and go

i’m muting emotions,

ones i’m too scared to show

i guess that’s my flaw,

i love way too loud

i don’t want to be just another face in the crowd

i know i was lost,

i was sad and confused

but it’s you that i want,

I don’t know what to do

you feel like home to me,

you’re my safe space

i’m scared when you leave that you’ll have me replaced

i want to be yours,

i want you to be mine

i’m trying to believe things will get better in time

i’m anxious to tell you,

i don’t want to scare you away

but i’m dying to tell you

that i want you to

stay

it’s easy to give my all to people

most times i do so without a second thought

sometimes my all will overfill their glass,

their containers not large enough to retain all that comes from my heart

but it’s not always that way

sometimes expectations aren’t met and their glass is left half empty,

for every content of my being is not enough to satisfy their needs

it can be draining trying to fill a bottomless cup, everyday i run the race and i never get to the finish line

insufficiency is suffocating

but having to clean the mess from the overfilled cup eventually starts to feel like a chore, the towels are sopping wet and the liquid keeps pouring

at first it was an accident, but now it’s like a dam that has broken and is flooding everything in its way

neither glass is safe to drink from

one glass too small, and one glass too large

both of which containing poison

i am hoping to someday find the right-sized glass

a glass that will not overflow, but will be filled up to the brim

not one drop too little, not one drop too full

i want to meet in the middle,

a person to drink from the cup before it’s overfilled

someone who waits for their refill before their cup is empty

i want to find balance in unity,

reciprocation as common denominator

if that’s even still a thing

with words unsaid,

i beg you to love me

i give all that i can,

my efforts still seem subpar

i’m running in circles,

the destination i once dreamed to find has dissipated

i hate what my life has become

i’ve grown numb,

the pain became unbearable

another chapter of life that i hope to forget,

memories i will soon suppress

i ached for your love,

passion used to radiate from my smile as i’d watch you play your guitars

my smile has turned gray,

every spoken word falls deep into the abyss

i didn’t let you shatter me

like a dog chasing it’s own tail,

i look like a fool

i was so far up my own ass with the visions of the potential that i saw in you

my eyes are now closed,

the only thing that keeps me awake at night is my own stupidity

what’s the use in running after someone who doesn’t wish to be chased?

soon i’ll accept that it’s really over,

and that everything is

my

mistake

my house burned down today,

there was nothing i could do to save it

i stood on the pavement as i watched the roaring flames grow higher

the sound of the crackling foundation echoes through my head,

the smell of soot fills my nostrils

i can’t breathe

the fire is out,

but my heart is still burning

my belongings destroyed,

my memories engulfed in the darkest of smoke

nothing is okay

the ground is hot, but i stand here with bare feet

watching my life crumble before my eyes

the tears i cried weren’t enough to put out the flames, the only thing i could do was watch as it burned

in the street i stand alone,

for i was the only one home

ash and debris pour from the sky

it feels as though i’ve been caught in a thunderstorm

alone i stand,

and as devastations sets in

i look down to see the burnt match in my own hand

lately i have been intrigued by my own trauma

I don’t know if i’m intrigued by the way it has shaped me, or if i’m curious as to why it continues to affect me?

it’s as if suddenly all of the emotions and thoughts that i have collected over the years have compiled and have begun seeping from my pores

the outline of my trauma is simply a rough-draft, it tiptoes at the edges of the story, but it doesn’t give away the plot.

the storyline of my trauma is a little fuzzy, suppression like a rainstorm on the freeway, the context like windshield wipers that don’t work. my memories, smeared across the glass.

i’m most fascinated by my storyline, because i can see a clear picture of the affects it has had on my story.. but there are things that i am curious about.

what happened to me to make me the way that i am? do i remember what it is? why has it had such lasting impressions on me? will i ever get past it, or will this forever be a piece of the baggage i carry?

the plot of my story is undecided, it rolls with the punches and changes direction every once in a while

the ending to my story may be the most terrifying part. the ending is undecided, undetermined, and unexpected in every way.

i was never abandoned as a child, but i have an immense fear of being abandoned. i want to know where that is derived from.

i sometimes fear that my mind has suppressed key factors and experiences that have provided me with such intense trust issues, anxiety, and vulnerability.

i am quite obviously attracted to mentally abusive, manipulative men. i know it’s because my dad is that way, but i can’t remember everything clearly.

i wish i could play a movie of my childhood to help myself better understand what affects it has truly had on me.

therapy has only danced around the thought of this past trauma, but i want to dive head first into it.

will i ever find love, or is true love just imaginary? is there something wrong with me? is there something about me that attracts abusers? why do i fall for men who are incapable of loving me?

i feel simply unlovable

and maybe that’s the plot twist after all

it comes in waves,

tonight i am drowning

i’m sitting in silence as my life crumbles before my eyes,

but in my head i’m splashing around vigorously and gasping for air

my mind goes quiet as i begin to sink,

the water has entered my lungs

i’m crying, but there is no one there to see

i’m begging for another chance, i want to live but i was never taught how to swim

it’s over now, the current pulled me under

life preservers can’t save someone who’s already drowned

i haven’t felt the need to escape my situation to cry in my car in a long time

i guess today is different

my anxiety is back and it’s hitting me harder than it has in a while, although it never really went away

all of the feelings that i push away are emerging again, settling just beneath the surface

i can put on a good show, no one would ever know that i’m not okay unless i wanted them to

fake smiles really do go a long way

reality reminds me that i’m broken,

my fears make me panic

my insides feel as though they are shaking,

they tremble so hard i can feel it in greatest depths of my core

times like this make me resent human interaction

i wish i could run away

i feel as though i am doing something wrong,

i am bothering you

i am scared that you’re upset with me,

that you are looking for a way to get rid of me

i’m scared that you feel stuck with me,

i feel like an obligation

i would do anything for you,

but i feel that i am overbearing

i don’t want to suffocate you and i’m scared that i can’t help it

i succumb to the fear, the self loathing,

i am the hardest on myself

i can barely make sense of my emotions

my world is spinning too fast now,

i’m dizzy

i’m not okay, i haven’t been for nearly half a decade

it’s been four years

i’ve let you control the way that i feel about myself for four years

you’ve ruined me

i just want to be free

three words,

they dance at the tip of my tongue

it was easy for me to fall for you,

you’re everything i need

your intentions never waver,

your consistency is reassuring

you care for me,

in a way no one has before

falling for you was inevitable,

you reeled me in without even having to try

i knew what i was getting myself into when i pursued you,

i knew that it could mean that if we were ever to be anything that you may have to leave

and you did

i am waiting, i would wait forever

i hope that once you’re home again that things between us stay the same

i hope that you don’t change your mind about me while you’re away

i found a best friend in you,

a lover, and a home

my heart belongs wherever you are

i can picture a life with you

a marriage, a family

you are all that i can think about

my roots are planted deep in the heart of salt lake city,

but i’d rip them from the ground and plant them anywhere else as long as you were there

i want you forever

i want to be yours

today and everyday,

my heart is yours to hold