I pulled away from the confines of the wall charger and sat up long enough for my body to rewire. My circuit broke again last night to avoid fueling bad dreams. On my wrist, a monitor flashed red, 16% charged. I stood slowly to shake off the most recent bad dream, my knees creaking. To call this sort of thing a "dream" is still inaccurate, but I am afraid to tack it onto the malfunctions list. I've got enough of those to worry about. The overheating truth is that robots, even upgraded models like myself, wish they dreamt about electric sheep. I wasn't programmed to evaluate my own conscious simulations, but I do know that the morning glory about to bloom outside my window knows more consciousness than I have in decades.

On that stormy morn, on the rocky cliffs walked I

Underneath the billowing clouds, through the sad winds sigh

I looked out to the swirling ocean, there atop a wave

rowed a lonely boatman sure to meet his watery grave

furious rowing

Wind was howling

grey wave rose and

crashed upon the rocks

furious rowing

wind was howling

he was at the

mercy of God

I broke my spell, and ran down the rocky path

to a shore that was sheltered from the dark ocean’s wrath

but the foolish boatman was still far out, and my fear:

he’d be dashed upon the rocks before he made it here

I tried to shout and call for help and on my knees I tried to pray, but

my voice was whisked away, just a whisper in a crowded room

but I was all alone, a creature frightened on the shore

there was nothing that I could do to save the helpless boatman

so I watched him as he struggled, ’till he could struggle no more

He was coming in, slow, but sure that he would land

but the ocean couldn’t allow it, no it wouldn’t let this stand

it sent forth a lusty wave that broke his boat, it was so strong

and the poor boatman with the churning waves was swept along

I ran onto the rocks, prepared to save the drowning boatman

but he had disappeared, the selfish ocean swallowed him

and as I lay weeping for his life in the rain

his poor maiden waited by the window for her young boatman

whom her poor eyes would never see again

I do not think that science and religion are necessarily opposing or contrary ideologies, mainly because science is not a belief system, but they nonetheless collided in my mind as I grew up.

I was born and baptized an Irish-Catholic and believed firmly in God and Heaven. At the same time I had a lot of books on various scientific topics, of which the books on astronomy and cosmology were the most interesting. Looking back, I had two separate understandings of the universe, one biblical and the other scientific.

I believed in the big bang and evolution, but God was the progenitor to all these things. As I became a teenager I began to question the literal bible stories, losing faith in the supernatural aspects of religion. I had trouble believing these stories as I learned more about science and saw and recreated real experiments. I didn’t have faith in religion, and I liked the stories that physics told over the bible stories.

Eventually God didn’t make sense to me. There were too many questions about God’s eternity and powers. Could ‘he’ (Catholic God as ‘he’) make a rock he couldn’t lift? Is he good? Why make life in the first place? “We cannot understand his vastness,” was a common response when I asked people. The universe seemed better with no god and a lot more questions.

My faith in God has shifted to my faith in our ability to accept that we don’t know all the answers, but that we can slowly find them. Science is not a belief system, but it influenced my belief system, and I now believe in the ability of humans to find an ever more complete understanding of the universe.

I learned about quicksand in Alaska

I was on a trip with four other guys in Gates of the Arctic National Park as a part of a "the Y" camp, Widjiwagan. We were about halfway through a 40-day trek and were had been making good progress that day.

We had been walking through a flat river valley filled with sand and rocks, which made for great terrain compared to soggy tussocks. We had gone maybe 5 miles so far and the endless days meant that we could go as far as we wanted.

The stream we were following made a wide bend ahead around a grassy hill. We decided to take the obvious short-cut and go up and around the hill. We hiked up a small incline and found ourselves in front of a flat field of grass and dirt, which might have made a wonderful camping spot.

I walked ahead and with each step I found it to be less nice a place for a tent. A small pond at the base of the hill fed into the clay dirt field and made the ground wet and sloppy. I kept a brisk pace and was able to walk through it for a short time, but it became difficult as the clay grew deeper. I stopped to tell the others to turn around and then I began to sink.

I tried to lift one foot, but just pushed the other deeper. I tried to diffuse the weight, but I still sank, my backpack not helping me any. I turned and asked for help, the others watching my plight from firmer ground. Shawn came, but could not get too near without sinking himself. He said he could take my pack and I should dig myself out. This whole time the clay had rose up past my knees and was now around my thighs. I took the pack off and flung it to him as best I could and he dragged it away.

Luckily I seemed to have reached the deepest point, and stopped sinking, but I had to get myself out. I couldn't lift my leg or yank it out, I had to dig. I clawed clay away from me as quick as I could before more flooded in around me. I soon was able to pry one foot out and rest it, ballet-like, on top of the clay. I clawed the other out and rolled, crawled, and lurched back to dry land.

We had a brief water break, and a laugh, and then continued around the pond and up the hill, the clay around my legs drying and caking. I could feel it seep into my boots and socks with each step.

We made it over the hill and came back down to the stream where I was able to wash off my legs in the arctic water. How easy the earth can pull you in before you realize what happens. This wasn't exactly quicksand, but it was close enough. How strange that I came to the mountains, and sank.

I hold stones in my hands and lucidly wonder where to cast them. Could I break the window with the yellow drapes? No--I'll just kill someone down below. Maybe they deserve to die. What if I kill someone on their way to kill their boss. I could be an unsung hero of the potential future--but what if the boss deserves to die?

What if I killed her. . . The Her. The Her that bought the stupid little fountain that trickles over the rounded stones I was now holding. What if she died? I want her dead but . . . I don't want her 'dead' dead. I wish I was dead. No, I want to live.

I still don't know why the fuck she left.

I poured over all the reasons and nothing makes sense. We fought . . . We fought about how I don't take risks, I was too safe, she needed more. She needed more?

I can do more. Here's a risk--

My arm swung and a little stone flew into the air, glinting in the light. It was black with green veins streaking through it. I always liked that one. Damn.

It is hard to draw a line of causality past a few leading events. I bought a sandwich because I was hungry, but I also haven't had a sandwich in a while, and I went to the specific place because I remember it was good. Many things happen because of many reasons, but we like to see a few that make the most sense for us.

Physics is great to invoke for this because obviously things happen because of something else, but there does not need to be a purpose. Two topics lend themselves to this discussion well, quantum mechanics and cosmology--two fields that are ever more entwined each year.

The uncertainty principle is much lauded and has created many useful inventions in technology and physics, but is misleading when expanded out from the quantum world. Do we change the world by looking at it--observing it? Not necessarily. We need to carefully examine what occurs when we "observe" things in the quantum world.

Electrons encase atomic nuclei in clouds of probable energy states as described through Schrödinger's equations. When we look at these electrons, we can use a high energy photon to find it's location, but change its momentum--so our observation changed the electron's behavior greatly! Well, our method of observing changed the electron's behavior. If we were not present and a random photon bumped into the electron, a similar result would occur--we wouldn't know, but there is no reason to expect human consciousness to change the electron's behavior when it is the photon that does so.

Does the moon exist when we don't look? This is an obvious exaggeration of this occurrence, but it serves well to show my point. Obviously the moon will always exist--it is a mass of atoms that are all localizing each other so there is no room for quantum unpredictability. Let's imagine it acted as one large particle that needed to be "observed" to exist. You close your eyes at night, look up, and open. There is the moon. Did it just start existing the minute you opened your eyes? No--you see it right as your eyes open, but light takes a second to go from the moon to Earth. This would mean that the moon would have had to exist a second before you opened your eyes and know exactly when to localize to a specific point, and similarly it would cease to exist a second before you closed your eyes. If its existence depended on when the photons hit your eyes, you could look at the moon and close your eyes for a second, then open them, and you wouldn't see the moon for a second, which obviously does not happen.

The point of this is that things happen outside of our actions and the quantum world is not beholden to us. We CAN affect things with our actions, but it is not solely our actions that affect the quantum world.

As for cosmology--as far as we know the universe exists and in such a state that we are able to live. There does not need to be a purpose for all of this, but it is not difficult to see how it could be probable for there to be an underlying purpose.

In summary things happen for a reason, but those things are not dependent on us.

I think my favorite words are, "another cup of coffee." In the morning, golden and new, sharpened by a dark roast. Noon, afternoon, evening. Even a night where you are dedicated enough to make more coffee. It is a sleepless night, but one with that récompense, that iohnend that you know it will be a good night, not matter how bad it is.

That place where I go

Where I always go

Flying and driving

Letting others take me

It's still me and my decision

I could change

Change the world, or at least

Change mine

It's hard. There is routine

Necessities

My life as I see it

Takes me along

I follow and lead

But I still have to go

So maybe it's not about staying

But returning.