Day 32 of self-isolation.

I am dreading yet another day of zero inspiration.

I get up only to crawl back into bed 24 minutes later.

No I musn't. I cannot bear to hibernate under these covers again.

For when I did last time, I did not see the light for 547 days.

Instead, I climb out of bed, that dreadful memory burning a curse inside my soul.

I will not let the despair steal me from this earth.

Not this time.

And with a force so enormous, a power I cannot explain, I get dressed.

I decide to put a smile on and think to myself, "think good things."

Today will not be the day the darkest parts of my brain try to drain me from my world.

Instead, I choose to find joy. And see what inspiration comes my way.

I am asleep. But I am dreaming. I am dreaming of being chased by something. It resembles the body of a bull, wide and muscular, but instead of it's fur being brown it's color is bright red. It's long neck resembles a giraffe, but it's face looks like a moose with those big antlers sticking out far from it's massive head.

It is coming after me with an intention to hunt me down, and kill me as it's prey. And I am terrified, running wildly towards anything that would give me safety. As it gains on me, I run faster, and faster my lungs about to burst. Ahead of me are some trees, could I climb one in attempt to avoid getting speared with this creature's fierce antlers?

My heart is pounding through my chest now, but before I know what would happen next - I wake up. My pajamas cling to me from all the sweat, my body aches as if I actually had been chased.

The thing is I have been running. Running for quite some time now. And it wasn't until today that I have finally been aware of it.

A few days up leading to this night where I had this vivid dream, I had a heated encounter with my parents. It was the kind of arguement that wasn't a huge deal to them, but meant more to me. The kind that made me re-think them as parents, how they raised me and my siblings, and how they let their pride get in the way of dealing with us as kids - and now adults.

The day before I had the dream of being chased, I struggled really bad with feelings of pain, hurt, resentment and bitterness towards my family. Everything I was raised to believe as a child up into my thirties all of a sudden did not make sense to me anymore. Their Christian upbringing, which I accepted as my own faith, now looked like a big fucking joke. And I was angry.

I screamed at the God that was supposed to love and care about me. Who gave me family that was supposed to love and protect me. And it was in this moment, that I was running. It was the day that I ran away from God, and family, and everything good and true.

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In my dream, I never did find out how it ended.

I woke up this morning to a darkened room. There was nothing but the alarm clock to distinguish between night or day. But, alas, there it read "6:05am." Yup, it was morning.

As I slowly turned over my crinkled covers, I felt the chill in the room. Dark and cold, the start of autumn, I thought to myself as I leapt up to run for the furnace gauge. I quickly ran back to my room for my housecoat and slippers. The heat came on after about a minute, pouring out warm air as I pore my pre-brewed cup of coffee.

I grabbed a snuggly blanket, and found my spot on the couch. I sat there all nestled in with my computer and cup of coffee - ready to start another day. Today would be a good day, I was sure of it. As I read my newsfeed and checked my emails, the sun was starting to come up. It's glowing presence made known to myself - and all my neighbours that indeed it would be a great day. The sunrise displayed a vast array of oranges, reds and yellows that rose and danced for their audience. I pulled back my curtains all the way back so I could really see the sunrise. I stood at my bay window and took the beauty in. All of it.

I absorbed the light and all it's energy and was filled with a glowing presence in my Spirit. Outside the window, my tree that once was full of green leaves, was now almost completely yellow, it's leaves showing the ever changing seasons. It reminded me that the season of autumn is a season where things change. Leaves turn gold and then they fall and die - only for a period until spring comes and brings new life.

And as I stood at my window, I realized this new season of autumn - well, it was like a new season for me. I was like the tree, getting ready to brace and equip itself for winter. Like the tree, I am ready to let go of some things in my life that needed to die to make room for this new season of life. I am ready to embrace this change that is coming my way. And like the sunrise and the tree, I would do it with grace.

I am realizing, that I am bold like the very present, beautiful sunrise that flooded my home - and heart. I will be that sunrise in this next season of life. 

Yes I thought. Today will be a good day.