When confronted,

in ignorance I spoke:

“Would you believe I was provoked?”

but, soon after…. you dimmed my lights

left me permanently with squinted eyes

Do listen to what I think of you

You whose soul I long know

Know you’re worth every breath in you

You have been chastised for all you are

Are in truth a star shining beautifully

Beautifully unique, yet untimely made

Made to suffer Man’s indifferent ways

Chapter 1

Within the four walls of my home, almost all things sex related were considered taboo. I guess it’s to be expected, my parents marriage for the most part always hung by the edge of a knife. It’s hard to find truth to share about sex and intimacy, when you yourself are struggling with the concept. My mother on one end tried wholeheartedly to love my father. Sadly, between the alcohol and his demeaning attitude towards her, the damage became and ever growing chasm. In his mind lust and love were one of the very same. Often making my mother feel more like a piece of meat than a soul mate; often, this point made evident by his secretive indulgence in porn. Make no mistake, it wasn’t the porn that disappointed me. I would never dare be such a hypocrite and dirty the same cup from which I will later drink from. It was the idea that he never could find a good balance to love and value my mother the way she deserved. Their marriage created a rift within me concerning all things physical. I never dared ask my dad for advice on the matter, fearing it would lead me to become some sex crazed monster. On the other hand my mother poured her personal pains into her lessons; thus, making me paranoid to not cause pain to the opposite sex, so much so that I grew to avoid relationships altogether. The weight and responsibility of holding someone’s heart became too much to bear. So for the greater part of my youth I chose to remain abstinent, only ever having the capacity of friendship towards women.

My name is Alexander Cassius Drake. I tower above all mortals at an impressive 5’11, with dark raven hair that drapes over my shoulders(usually worn in a high bun). Im medium built, and although I don’t have a six pack like most story cliches, I am naturally strong. My eyes are a deep dark brown whose only merit comes through in daylight, where they tend to look like dark marbles capable of reflecting the world they see. I bear a small hairline scar on the right side of my forehead (from cracking my head open when i was 5) which I’m conscious about. Personality wise I tend to suffer from what some would call “resting bitch face” due to my stoic nature. Putting it plainly, God when he was busy creating the rest of the Earth hit the Plain White Vanilla button when he created me. Good thing this story isn’t about me though, but about a girl named Amber Rose Blackwell.

Apart from occasional milking sessions fueled by the sexual concoctions of my teenage mind, I’ve only ever had theories of what intimacy was supposed to be. Singlehandedly she tore my world open, showing me that theories without experimentation remain just that, theories. In retrospect, every cum filled sock from stroking my inexperienced ego I’ve come to amount to nothing compared to the euphoria she made me experience.

How did this all begin? Excellent question. This story begins just before the ring of the 3rd period bell.

Johnathan and I were making our way to health class moving past the hordes of cliques and couples.

“You see that Gunther video I sent ya? I tell ya it will change your life!”, he pried with a mischievous smile, putting extra emphasis on the “change your life” bit.

“Hell no. Everything you ever send me is weird John. I’m still scarred by that up-butt coconut one,” I replied with annoyance.

“Oh come on!! You know you into it….Ya know… the whole stuff up your butt part-“

“Fuck you!” I cut him off half choking from me holding back the urge to laugh. “Fine let me see it. How much weirder can things get between us.”

As we finally arrived at the doorway of Health and Development class, he begins pulling out his phone. Now, why we thought it was a good idea to stand at the very doorway blocking the entrance is beyond me. If there ever was such a thing as fate or a shit idea, this single moment in time would definitely fit their descriptions. As he brought his phone eye level in between us to play the video, a fellow asshole (whose name to this day I curse) decided it would be a good idea to pants me in an attempt to get us to move out of the way. As my cheap Walmart kaki shorts came down, my dear idiot of a friend presses play on Gunther’s Ding Dong Song.

“Ooooooooh you touch my tralala!!!! Yea, my ding ding dong!” blasted from the phone at what I assume was the highest volume setting. At that moment I learned three crucial life facts:

1. Never allow Johnathan Manning to show you any youtube videos. They are a curse and ruin lives.

2. Never block an entrance or exit. Except to leave the person who publicly humiliates you blocked off during a fire.

3. Never wear tighty whities. Ever. Invest in briefs. It’s visually more appealing.

Needless to say all eyes were on me. The laughter bellowing from the hall and inside the class seemed endless. Sparing no time, I quickly picked both my pants along with my dignity up off the floor; thus, beginning my walk of shame towards my desk. I didn’t bother making eye contact and kept my gaze directed at the floor. No need to add insult to injury by engraving the many faces of mockery and malice to memory. Once I reached my seat, all I could do was sit there looking like someone who just had received a lobotomy. Nothing but that embarrassing moment registered, each time it replayed, my cheeks would burn intensely. I guess that’s why I didn’t bother acknowledging the new girl sitting beside me. She fashioned a smirk across her face; fiddling with her phone with intense concentration. Within my soul a sigh of relief at the thought that at least one person was blissfully unaware of what had just happened to me.

“Sooooo…I take it you’re circumcised huh?”, she whispered to me without even bothering to look up from her phone.

“…..you…you saw?”, I replied turning to face her in an eerie manner that seemed like a robot suffering from a short circuit.

“Saw it? Ha! I took pictures.” A devious smile now plastered on her face replacing the subtle smirk.

“Moments like that must be treasured. One does not simply get pantsed and goes forgotten.”(Props to her for the Lord of The Rings reference)

She then proceeded to turn the phone towards me, shedding light on the “painstaking” task which I had noticed her so preoccupied with. At this point she made sure to look directly at me ensuring every micro expression on my face could be savored. Sure enough though, there I was, rocking my tighty whities with a deer in the headlights look to compliment.

“Don’t look so down. My dad is the only other man I’ve know that could sport whities with such confidence.”

As if the old man reference wasn’t enough of an execution shot to my self-esteem , she then proceeded to scroll sideways revealing the next masterpiece. Now I will admit that her photography skills were as they say “fire”. The ability to capture a moment so crisp and clear even though it happened within seconds is impressive. Imagine this if you can. Me bent over with my shorts in hand, eyes closed from a poor timed blink; in addition, mouth gaped open from the shock, and lastly ass popped out gracing all behind me with a full moon. It literally looked like I took a dick and couldn’t handle it.

“That second one is my favorite! You my friend have been blessed by the ass gods.” The ear to ear smile persisted on her face now bordering demonic in nature.

“We are not friends..please erase them…”, I pleaded. My face remaining stern for the sake of posture and emphasis.

The response from her that followed consisted of a demeanor and attitude change that made me realize one fundamental fact about this girl: she was indifferent and dangerous, with little to no remorse.

“Make me…although let’s be honest… we both know you don’t have it in you to do anything about it.”

She stared directly into my eyes, never once blinking, as if waiting to see if I’d challenge the taunt; however, though the moment was filled with intensity, past the anger my heart began beating rapidly for another reason. As I stared back, I had finally come to the realization that before me was a beautiful creature. If I had to guess probably 5’6,  with smooth burgundy hair that curled at the ends, and easily went down halfway to her back. Complexion wise she was pale and smooth with freckles adorning what seemed to be her entire body. Blush pink lips that were well defined, sleek, and glossy from the lip balm she used. Without debate all of it worthy of admiration, yet it all paled in comparison to her eyes. Time may not stop for no man, but in that one moment I wish it had. Those eyes were beyond reproach. The outer ring crafted of dark green with hints of brown that made them seem like the soul and essence of Earth. The Iris itself fashioned a dark to light sky blue ombre; moreover, with dedication one could make out slashes of gold stemming from the pupil. Eyes like those were made with the undeniable purpose of reminding anyone who looked upon them, that there is beauty to be found in the world. Sadly, they also grounded me back to the reality of how basic and bleak I actually was.

“…..nevermind”, I whispered in a voice that died off as I turned to face forward.

Now I may be wrong, as I was turning though, I could have sworn for a split second I saw sadness across her face. Did it consist of regret for kicking me while I was already down? Was I simply that pathetic as a whole? If i’m honest my money is on the latter of the two; regardless, allow me to introduce Amber Rose Blackwell. The girl who from that day held my mind, heart, and sexuality in her soulless ginger hands.

I wonder if you will ever know the damage you’ve caused. It’s been a year, but in my soul the time where we existed together seems like the only reality I’ve ever known. Everything now seems hollow in comparison and lacking reason or sense of purpose...Will it always be this way? It’s almost funny, so many times we discussed which one of us would flake from this relationship. If i’m being honest I always believed it would have been me. True enough, it was the punch I didn’t see coming…It was you…I fucking hate you for it. So much so that I laugh and cry at the same time, the insanity of the moment creating suffocation within me. Believe you me I’ve tried to forget you. I’ve gone out with my friends; I’ve picked up hobbies, and even turned to religion for comfort. Did you know I even tried kissing another girl just the other day? Her name was Alice. She was sweet, beautiful, and certainly more agreeable than you ever were. By any standard a ten if there ever was one. Yet, I left her all together after that kiss. Nothing tasted more bitter on my lips. Nothing offended my eyes more. Nothing broke me quite as deep than painfully being aware she wasn’t you. Where ever I go, whatever I do, your the reminder that something will forever be missing. There are days were I muster the strength to look at the old oak tree in the field. You remember the one?…I still chuckle thinking of the night of the famous One-Star show. You laid at the feet of that tattered old oak, like a child whose about to see their first firework; the anticipation of magic in your eyes waiting for a sky full of stars to shine in splendor. Yet there was only one. Not even the moon was full. By all means a disappointment by any who knew better, but not you, your eyes stared at that one star as if you were looking at the face of God. Never disappointed, and in that one moment making me realize just how much I loved you. You didn’t see the world the same way I did which is why I needed you near me. My colors grew ever brighter from your light…I dare admit I still need you…So much so that now I lay at the feet of that tattered old tree, and I look for that one star among a sky of millions. When I find it I stare it, much like you did. Only it’s not God I see, but you; it’s not magic I feel, but an endless grief. I will burn this letter after it is written. With eyes welled up, within me never grew the strength to admit and accept; that the moment my life ended was the day you……

How to describe what can not be explained?

The embodiment of numb is a life constrained.

Continual devotion at an emotional abyss.

Where Affliction and Self you will jointly dismiss.

An offering of sorts in the pursuit of peace.

Hoping to silence the pain that does not cease.

If the offer is sincere from your depths something born.

A damnable resilience towards all that would scorn.

Damnable? You may ask. Indeed this is true.

Cold indifference is a poisonous brew.

Bolsters resolve, but in turn rots the core.

Given time you’ll become that which you abhor.

How many of your colors will you choose to compromise?

Is a heart of stone deemed a worthy prize?

So before you persist consider this:

Is it personal growth when you cease to exist?

Inconsequential

One branch in this large World Tree

Lacking bloom withers

Inconsequential

One born from litter of four

Deemed runt was not fed

Inconsequential

One voice drowning went unheard

Consumed surrendered

Inconsequential

Becomes One who sees all this

Apathy chooses

Breathe…needing me is eminent…

Your emotional fragility is becoming evident.

One hit will alleviate. Two can carry you through.

Three or more your soul and semblance will feel anew.

Whether the effects are permanent is irrelevant to you and me,

Our desires entwine, the need to be free.

You concern me deeply. Your light grows dim.

Living most of your life striving to sink yet not swim.

Pitty and shame you’ve got such a nice heart,

lacking being the right “type”, this world’s torn it apart.

Pitty and shame.. you’ve got such a warm soul..

The weight of being human has taken its toll..

Never the right gender..the right color.. the right origin or race.

Never the right clothes..the right fashion..the right poise or grace.

You either talk too little..or you talk too much…

You should try being more like such and such…

Either obnoxiously holy…or repulsively riddled with sin…

Not realizing they’re the real wolves dressed in sheepskin.

Crippling is our desire ..the need belong,

you in this world…me in your lungs…

You’ll be cast out and shunned by all except me,

my existence will thrive through your necessity.

All this being said, do not wait. Let’s begin.

Breathe….Hold me in…. I am your medicine.

Forgive me if you find these words written in vain,

the world seems disinterested in moral gain.

Admirable virtues corrode and fade, what once esteemed decent, now easily swayed.

The unfortunate by-product of unbridled tongues,

fueled by hearts keeping pace to sinister drums.

Tainting the kindness instilled since my youth,

Self-centered gain the new norm and truth.

Lives painfully enfeebled through bias disdain,

through violence exhibiting heartache and pain.

Attempting to break me? May I ask who broke you?

Were there none to sympathize and help pull you through?

Were there none to invest in your love, hopes, or dreams?

Compassion towards you could have been the vaccine.

To that end, I will quell what most humans feed,

the twisted satisfaction from watching you bleed.

Though perilous is the notion, I will open my soul.

I’ll embody your needs absorbing you whole.

Hopefully, once you and I become one,

We’ll gracefully bloom in the days to come.

Hopefully, once you and I coexist,

Empathy and grace will forever persist.