I can't escape this.

Every day is the same.

It all blends together,

Like it's stuck on replay.

My body is filled with static,

quite an unpleasant matter.

I can't find the right words

To describe how I feel,

But I know it's nothing good.

Like a meteor flowing through space,

Or a rock being carried by the waves,

I can't think for my own.

Whether I say I know,

or I don't,

Nothing could ever solve this peculiar case.

I want a break from it all.

I've never been the one to truly desire death,

But it's the only ticket off this monotone train.

They say it's just a case of the blues,

But It won't ever leave.

Stuck with me since year 4,

I haven't felt pure joy.

There's nothing I can do

There's nothing I can say

To make you understand.

I just want to lay in the land,

never to breath again.

I can’t love.

My mind is a mess

of twisted thoughts

I’ve shaped over the years

to help me do

what I thought I was supposed to do,

to help me say

what I thought I was supposed to say.

Someone said hi,

I said hi back.

Someone said I love you,

I said I love you back

because I thought

that’s what I was supposed to do.

I always waited

for the woman to climax

because I thought that was

what I was supposed to do.

The polite thing to do.

But my heart

is this sunken hidden thing

I don’t think I have access to

underneath all these thoughts

twisted like a mess of spaghetti,

twisted by my need to fit in,

by my need to attempt

to be human.

You never thought ahead, did you?

The only thing going on in that head of yours was the next time you could get high.

That's how I came About,

isn't it?

The only thought in your mind was to move things along faster,

to chase that high a little more,

not that you were bringing me into this world.

You brought me here and you hate me for that,

even though the decision was all yours.

As I grew so did your disdain for a child

I would bang, beg, and plead for you

while your high was on the other side of the door

which meant I was just another obstacle.

A little girl begging you for love and you still didn't get the hint?

But hey that's how you have lived your whole life,

isn't it?

You soon decided that you would remove the obstacle that I was,

You would run because it is the only thing your good at,

isn't it?

You left a hurricane of hurt in your wake,

but you never cared of the repercussions if it didn't affect you.

I grew alone with the hurt you imbedded in my being,

Always afraid I could slip up and fall into the abyss with you,

Then trying to go on purpose,

Because if even you can not love me who will?

I grew and grew and the end of High School and my childhood was approaching,

But you couldn't let that be joyful, could you?

You came in with the monsoons

and you were equally as destructive.

Little girls dream of what they would get at this momentous occasion

and I was no different, but I SHOULD have know better.

A used gift card on the outside of an unsigned or addressed card.

I told myself for months while my 18th came and went,

that I would be grateful for anything.

But then her 13th birthday came,

You entered with a parade of personalized gifts, an addressed card.

I realized then why you have only ever addressed her

She doesn't remember,

and the only thing you know is how to take advantage of someone,

Isn't it.

She doesn't remember so you care,

but I'm the damaged goods you didn't want,

And I guess you still don't.

I'm still outside kicking and screaming for you to please be my dad,

But she's your new high that you didn't leave in a dwindling heap,

isn't she?

I'm truly unwanted by the one who helped bring me on this earth.

I don't know why I expected more out of you,

after all didn't I learn how to be abandoned from you?

I tried to grow up but you stayed child like,

taking only what serves you,

and giving up on hard things,

All I ever wanted was to be addressed,

but I lie in wait for someone else to pick me up and show me how to write the label.

When confronted,

your weak defense:

“She’s pretty, but she‘s not you.”

But, apparently… in dim light

and with squinted eyes,

she’ll do

This is the hour

Of shadows pulling

Against their owners

As if resisting against the

Spectacle of an

Execution by

Drawing

This is the time of Lent

Of Lent starved from

Easter resolution

Becoming a time of

Arising,

Not remembrance

There is the secret hid

In the darkness of roses

Of the dying of all roses

As they cross their

Phases of wilting

Of drying and of falling

For there is the moment of

Transitioning- the moment in

Between- where the rose

Sacrifices its breath

The shadows fall- circles

Within circles, becoming

The Rainbow Body

As if awaiting the growth

Of Callicot's Antakarana

The taut moments are like

A man falling from the

Awning, cascading down

The balustrade

To meet the lover which

Awaits.

The spirit of the man

Of the man falling

Only;

As the body still

Remains.

And so for this series

Of breaths - at the limit

Of rising– we all are

In– the moment of

Indecision, of incision

Becoming as a statue

Of Kazuo Ohno frozen

At the last moment of

His dance, in his falling

Melting and sinking

Oh my mechanic

You somehow persuaded me to bring in my car

when I was ok leaving in the yard

for nature to take a hold of.

You saw my car and loved the made and model,

before I knew it you opened the hood

even though I didn’t know how to myself,

You took time to learn what was wrong with it.

She broke in the parking lot that day,

while I was panicking you figured out how to fix her

when I was on the verge of tears

Because, how could she already be broken?

You hopped in the drivers seat and fixed her.

Ever since you fixed her

you turned your attention back to my car,

my car gave way to your foot on the gas

My car loved your presence.

You helped fix my car

in ways I did not notice she was broken,

You liked my car when others wouldn't give it a second look,

I never knew how you could like my car so much

When you knew what lied beneath the hood,

You still accepted my car dents and all.

But I could see your car starting to break too.

Your car needed the time and attention you showed mine,

I could see your car in desperation

I didn't want to admit it,

because I loved the way you drove my car.

You told me you needed time to focus on your car

while that meant mine wouldn't drive the same

as it would with you in the drivers seat,

it still had all the potential to drive.

But I am so scared for your car,

I love it as much as mine anyways.

If you only asked if I was willing to be a mechanic too,

Because I believe I could do it,

I’m already under the hood after all.

I just need your car to tell me what's wrong and how to help fix it

My car knows it doesn't mean you won’t ever drive it again

it just wishes you would fix your car fast

I keep having to tell my car that's selfish

She whispers back to me;

she believed you could show her that ends don't always mean leaving

that you are not like every other mechanic ripping her off,

she loved being out of the yard and taking a spin around town.

I won’t let the overgrowth take over yet though,

Because I hope you will be done fixing your car soon.

I heard you were ill,

So I wanted to say.

That I said a prayer

To take it away.

Sending a gift

Of spiritual love.

Granting you favor

From creation above.

I pray your healing,

Is heavenly fast,

God hear my pleas,

And make it last.

I'm

I'm

I wish to erase

Every sordid mistake,

Every slight flaw,

That sparked contempt;

In the eyes of those

I might have loved.

he wakes his love

dark rumble

over lush surface

she feels his insistence

a building deluge

that can no longer be denied

cloudbursts profess

his love unbound

as she achingly pulls

every aqueous droplet offered

into her substratum

for she knows

this is life itself

spent, he deeply inhales

the rising aromatic nectar

of their liaison

upon her landscape