I'm standing on a cliff's edge

Waiting for the water to consume me

I wonder, Will I take the leap or will the wind push me down?

You're gone.

I watched you struggle for breath,

I stood in the deafening silence.

I never thought it could be so quiet.

I have stood still since

Waiting for the reality to hit,

but here I am.

anticipating the inevitable but preventing it from happening as best as I can

Everything has changed yet I do the same thing every day.

It's the mechanics of how I do it that has changed.

I enjoy music less, yearning for the silence to sit with the news

Accepting sympathy that feels forced

Comforting a mother who can't do the same.

Sitting with me and my grief.

Alone.

It is honestly what is best,

The pain of sitting with friends with my unspoken pain contaminating the space is far worse.

The pitty very well may be the gust that tips me over

Nobody can look me in the eye

but I can not blame them,

What do you do when someone loses the most important person in their life?

Truly what is there to say that is not already implied?

I never believed in a greater power but for her sake, I hope she's strolling the beaches.

She was a beautiful force of a woman and I know death can not even stop her.

Even so, I wait for her to walk in the door while I wear her on my neck.

The oceans coming into view quickly on this fall

and I hope

and I pray

The water is inviting.

We always said you were one in a million,

so of course something that is a one-in-a-million chance would happen to you.

One week you were fine

The next you were a different person.

The only solace the doctors could leave us with was six months.

We learned we only had six more months to celebrate the absolute unstoppable force of a person you are.

The hospital that breaks down incurable diseases couldn't even touch this.

I find myself grieving you while you are in front of me.

Hospice came and even the person admitting you cried for you and what we are facing.

I do not think I have ever held so much grief before.

At first, I couldn't even sit with you without crying,

because how can you be gone so early,

you're not even 70 . . . not even 70 yet,

and this is something you now will never be.

Everything turned into your lasts so fast.

Your last mothers day,

Your last birthday,

The last of your life.

I went from thinking I had over 10 more years with your beautiful soul

to only be left with six months or maybe less.

You raised me when my mom couldn't,

we lived together and you made me who I am today.

I learned from you how beautiful a smile and kindness is,

and how to share your kindness with the world.

You prayed every day, multiple times a day,

only for God to what, punish your faithfulness?

Why can't she live and at least have a normal death?

Please change the prophecy.

I will do anything to end her pain and confusion,

All she did was give and give to everyone why did you have to take from her too?

When the nurse explained what creutzfeldt-jakob disease you cried with me,

somewhere in there you know what is happening,

and I hate that it is out of my power to stop it.

I masquerade all day to make sure you are enjoying your time here,

with what's left of it I want you to be happy and not worry about me.

You took care of me and cared for me,

it is my turn to return the favor.

If God is even out there,

which after this I can't say I believe it,

all I ask is to make her happy up there.

Take her to Maui,

she still talks about how much she loves it.

Let her watch the sunset over the beach one last time and fill her with warmth.

Give her back everything she let others take from her,

most of all I'm begging and pleading with you to please let her be happy,

I only want her to be happy,

That's all I have ever asked for.

You told me you could not start what you already set into motion,

And I hate to admit it but I knew before you told me but I didn't want to accept it.

I wanted to believe you would be the first to stay

I wanted it so bad I denied everything that got in the way of it

Because I just needed someone.

You told me you still cared

But I'm in the dark

I am Euridice and you are Orpheus but you gave up on finding the road.

You chose to leave me in a hell you put me in.

You let me know through the deafining silence when I tried to explain my emotions.

Yet you expected me to still be your shoulder to cry on.

You told me I was your White Ferrari

While you pushed me to the back corner like something forgotten long ago.

You relished on the pain it caused me to be left behind.

The way you explained it to me I thought I was Persephone in the spring,

eagerly waiting for the time she will return to her lover

but you left me above, all alone.

You tried to visit but you would sit in silence that hurt me more than when you were gone.

I realized soon that you only wanted me as the one that got away so that I would always be waiting in the shadows, ready for you when you decided you wanted me.

You merely wanted another possession,

Something to lay claim to whenever you so decide.

You haunt me still,

Over a year later because I gave you the power.

I drive on an empty road my thoughts blowing out with the wind,

Till I pass a car with a broken headlight and wish it was you.

I knowingly lie in wait for something I do not even want anymore,

Because in the end I would turn my car around to tell you one last goodbye.

I chose my eternal spring,

yet you wallow in your empty castle,

forever pushing away anyone who gets to close.

I only hope when you think about me that you do not regret letting yourself embrace the spring.

Ever since the day I have met you,

you have been actively changing my life.

I proclaimed my fondness within six months,

This was very out of character for me

because I have always waited and never said something,

but you were different, I couldn't stop myself.

You turned me down, and I moved on

Despite my efforts, you always lingered in the back of my mind,

and it became second nature,

no matter how hard I tried to get rid of it,

the feelings stuck with me like honey.

We grew closer and we both had our share of relationships.

Every one of our exes hated us because they all thought we were a couple,

we joked in passing how friends and family kept mistaking us as together,

You think I didn't notice how you kept getting sadder each time you brought it up,

But I did, I noticed each sigh and glance when you brought it up.

My mother knew what the happiness you brought me meant,

and of course, your mother knows too

and I would give anything to be that wonderful woman's daughter-in-law.

I always joke about how she is everything I wanna be when I get older

and you can not contain your grin with it spanning from ear to ear.

It has been around five years now since we met and we couldn't be closer.

And ever since I told you how bad she treated me,

I can't help but notice how much more watchful you have become.

You got more protective of me than you had ever been,

even though this breakup was on par with the rest I have had.

You came the night it happened because I didn't wanna just sit at home,

making me not even think about my sadness

and instead made me snort in public like a child.

Then we spent two different trips together,

and each night I would wake up wondering why I was so hot in the room,

only to realize you were holding me,

even though we have never been friends who hugged or physically displayed affection.

I would go back to sleep only to wake up to you up and about,

wondering if you woke up when you were embracing me too.

We're around each other every second we can be now,

Our goodbyes get longer every time we say them,

your smile is the warmest it has ever been,

and I have never been happier to be in someone's passenger seat.

You always play Lover whenever I'm there and I can't help but think,

Do you like me now too?

After all these years I have ignored it but you have made it so hard

and I can not help but think I'm making it up and deny it.

But then I see you and I can't help the rush of emotions you give me,

they wash over me like the ocean,

continuously creeping up on me till I'm enveloped in the crystal waters of you.

We have played this game since the end of it,

Who can act like they never cared the most?

You ended it,

But I cut contact.

This is what started it,

I couldn't stand being the stray who did you favors,

having me be your therapist,

but you didn't even reach out after the accident,

That's when I knew and I walked away from your sadness and sorrows.

Nobody tells you how much silence hurts,

stuck in a room with someone who used to fill you with such happiness,

now only unsaid bombs plague the air.

Who knew silence could cut me to the core?

You were bitter and in turn, lashed out,

In turn, I became bitter too,

because how could you care so deeply then hurt me so for putting me first?

something you knew I already had great trouble with,

but you couldn't let it go and had to make it that much harder.

You kept hurting me because you couldn't handle how life treated me.

So I took it a step further and removed myself from all aspects of your life.

I let the ocean sweep me away

because I couldn't take the shore beating on me any longer.

If you cared so little why did you keep watch of me like a guard dog?

We were caught in a never-ending dance of who could do the most damage,

I did mine by removing myself,

you always hated that I could leave so easily when I knew my time was up

because you could never do the same, letting people abuse you for fun.

You did yours by making me a number,

you knew I hated how you could rank me on your scale in your notes,

skillfully threatening where my name would end up on that list,

you never knew how to hold back did you?

Then one night you visited me once again,

we were where we first met,

we were just kids, yet we were here all grown up now.

I carried on as if nothing happened laughing like my life depended on it.

You questioned me then,

You broke the fourth wall of my dream

and asked why I was so happy after everything that has happened

I was taken aback it is my dream after all, so why can't we just enjoy it?

I replied that I had learned and moved on,

I have grown from what you have put me through

and have chosen to put it behind me.

You paused baffled at the way I carried myself.

I then asked how you have been dealing with life,

We talked about everything with no hindrance or malice,

and when we were both content with the conversation,

The morning came.

With it so did the confusion of the rawness that a dream could hold.

I just pray you were there in that dream too,

That we talked and connected about what happened,

That you got the same closure I did,

even if it was never really you who gave it to me.

You never thought ahead, did you?

The only thing going on in that head of yours was the next time you could get high.

That's how I came About,

isn't it?

The only thought in your mind was to move things along faster,

to chase that high a little more,

not that you were bringing me into this world.

You brought me here and you hate me for that,

even though the decision was all yours.

As I grew so did your disdain for a child

I would bang, beg, and plead for you

while your high was on the other side of the door

which meant I was just another obstacle.

A little girl begging you for love and you still didn't get the hint?

But hey that's how you have lived your whole life,

isn't it?

You soon decided that you would remove the obstacle that I was,

You would run because it is the only thing your good at,

isn't it?

You left a hurricane of hurt in your wake,

but you never cared of the repercussions if it didn't affect you.

I grew alone with the hurt you imbedded in my being,

Always afraid I could slip up and fall into the abyss with you,

Then trying to go on purpose,

Because if even you can not love me who will?

I grew and grew and the end of High School and my childhood was approaching,

But you couldn't let that be joyful, could you?

You came in with the monsoons

and you were equally as destructive.

Little girls dream of what they would get at this momentous occasion

and I was no different, but I SHOULD have know better.

A used gift card on the outside of an unsigned or addressed card.

I told myself for months while my 18th came and went,

that I would be grateful for anything.

But then her 13th birthday came,

You entered with a parade of personalized gifts, an addressed card.

I realized then why you have only ever addressed her

She doesn't remember,

and the only thing you know is how to take advantage of someone,

Isn't it.

She doesn't remember so you care,

but I'm the damaged goods you didn't want,

And I guess you still don't.

I'm still outside kicking and screaming for you to please be my dad,

But she's your new high that you didn't leave in a dwindling heap,

isn't she?

I'm truly unwanted by the one who helped bring me on this earth.

I don't know why I expected more out of you,

after all didn't I learn how to be abandoned from you?

I tried to grow up but you stayed child like,

taking only what serves you,

and giving up on hard things,

All I ever wanted was to be addressed,

but I lie in wait for someone else to pick me up and show me how to write the label.

Oh my mechanic

You somehow persuaded me to bring in my car

when I was ok leaving in the yard

for nature to take a hold of.

You saw my car and loved the made and model,

before I knew it you opened the hood

even though I didn’t know how to myself,

You took time to learn what was wrong with it.

She broke in the parking lot that day,

while I was panicking you figured out how to fix her

when I was on the verge of tears

Because, how could she already be broken?

You hopped in the drivers seat and fixed her.

Ever since you fixed her

you turned your attention back to my car,

my car gave way to your foot on the gas

My car loved your presence.

You helped fix my car

in ways I did not notice she was broken,

You liked my car when others wouldn't give it a second look,

I never knew how you could like my car so much

When you knew what lied beneath the hood,

You still accepted my car dents and all.

But I could see your car starting to break too.

Your car needed the time and attention you showed mine,

I could see your car in desperation

I didn't want to admit it,

because I loved the way you drove my car.

You told me you needed time to focus on your car

while that meant mine wouldn't drive the same

as it would with you in the drivers seat,

it still had all the potential to drive.

But I am so scared for your car,

I love it as much as mine anyways.

If you only asked if I was willing to be a mechanic too,

Because I believe I could do it,

I’m already under the hood after all.

I just need your car to tell me what's wrong and how to help fix it

My car knows it doesn't mean you won’t ever drive it again

it just wishes you would fix your car fast

I keep having to tell my car that's selfish

She whispers back to me;

she believed you could show her that ends don't always mean leaving

that you are not like every other mechanic ripping her off,

she loved being out of the yard and taking a spin around town.

I won’t let the overgrowth take over yet though,

Because I hope you will be done fixing your car soon.