I was free ~

smothered under the

angry weight of

blue sky perceptions,

muted, snagging at seams

cracking me open with them

shaking my confidence

with the shaking summer leaves of

the muggy may evening

heaviness sliding over parched backyards

over a famished soul

clicking into place ~

I sink willingly into denial.

Why should I attempt emancipation when unaware of being enslaved?

Problems shoved aside

shunned

gilded in pink peony skies

and stingy snowstorms

Peace lies

squeezing my shoulders as I sit cross-legged by frozen rivers,

double-crossed as it slithers away,

my hands too cold to catch it quick enough

Till I stand there, breaking.

And I am no hero.

sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry)

Felt rotten.

An apple left under the

scorching sun

that burns my neck

stepped upon, and rightfully so,

thrown into a corner,

go ahead, slap a label on me

I'll despise you forever,

it's not just you.

But I guess you don't matter

till you're crying and

rolling out red carpets for your tears

Why am I

so mean?

~

I don't know why

everything hides.

Charisma rolls off his skin

nudging the feet of those around like dust bunnies.

Can you wait for me till dawn?

Forgive me if I'm a little late, I'm so

tired.

~

The sound haunts me

a sick spin on carnival rides,

theretheretheretherethere

(am I making it all up?)

theretheretherethere

~

SORROW

and I wonder, will it ever leave?

LET GO

why is it so high?

why won't it fall?

~

I'm just scared to grow up,

don't you see?

What is this?

One, three, five conversations,

and I'm crying.

Grabbed by the neck and thrown

into Then

and you are me.

As I hold you and

my red eyes twin yours across a

tile floor and a

screeching symphony

He laughs at you

why did I not

see it before?

Or am I making it up?

it rattles my eardrums, my sick brain, turn it off, it scalds me

It's wrong,

all of it. I said I wanted you to leave,

no one was supposed to leave.

Bittersweet, sometimes,

just bitter right now.

Am I so broken

I weep over strangers?

tables bend over backwards for me

rolling taunts between teeth,

leering behind safety nets

of memories still drilled in my concrete wall

(ones I want to scratch off till my fingernails bleed,

tear apart and throw them behind padlocks

as I decide to step through muddy apathy) ~

I've always been the one who they've stabbed in the heart.

Never thought

it would

be me.

I'm sorry.

(am I?)

Because relief cascades to my toes,

and guilt floods right back up.

Will I always be stuck?

~my glowing real moment, are you

truly

real?~

i hate him

and i hate you

but I say it all

sing it all

through lying teeth

and suppressed smiles

stupid me

and you with your

pauses and

rewinds,

five, four, three square feet

i'm melting, bursting,

cherry candy below

euphoric skies

stop the sun before i melt into a lovesick puddle and you stomp all over me in optimism-laced rainboots

but there's my balloon soul, untethered

a rarity, a New

cliche cascades and seeps into your skin

but grin and bear it,

as doors creak open and elation showers me like confetti

as grass crinkles and wrinkles below our feet

as i realize,

timing is a lovely thing.

i long to say the words

crammed below my tongue

a jigsaw scramble, sunny-side up

have you found my missing pieces?

perhaps it's better

for them to stay missing

because then i can't put you in a box

and you can stay my halcyon dreamscape

i wonder how long

till it's scrawled over

in jet black paint

and bitter yesterdays

but today my smiles aren't timid

and elation is etched on the four walls of my brain, of my heart

what is love,

but a distraction masking reality?

and yet you are my reality, if but a facet of it

and i would like to only see this side of it always, forever

Can you scrawl tomorrow on my wall in permanent marker?

Yesterdays have me in a chokehold.

What do you want me to say?

I spit out apathy,

but my heart melts in cinnamon candy,

why don't you see me?

Why do I

armour myself,

cacti thorns and all?

Fluttering on wings of optimism

have proved a fatal decision.

Now I make pinky-promises with the dawn

and break them by noon,

sorry.

But I'm not blind anymore.

I've said that before, when I bathed in white lies--

A full moon and a new year opened my eyes.

As tennis shoes squeak against a tile that leers

as fireplace embers bleed into red roofs

as summer-sea-skies flash dazzling smiles

I see now, God.

Smiles for them, and me, a punching bag.

~

It tastes of ash and feels like halfway home.

But I glance at faded street-signs,

flickering street-lights,

and dust paints my sneakers

till I'm one with beige monotony.

Scratch out belonging from my dog-eared dictionary,

it bleeds irony.

Irony squeezing itself out through the sun,

burning my skin.

Happy days of now fade to nights drunk on days compared.

The past yanks on my puppet strings, spits on my heartstrings,

and it tastes of ash, Everything burnt up.

faux evergreen lights

humming in red

echo of my boiling blood

bellowing beneath a superficial smile

a grey sky teases rain

and i scream, i scream--

no, i sit in silence haloing apathy--

for it to unleash it all

throwing rocks to shatter its brimming bottle of emotion

but pebbles are no threat to stoic minds

is stoicism fortitude?

or a bypass

tempting next year's calendars?

drain out all the tears

hollows lack poetry

but i fancy being one anyway

no i don't want to but sometimes all i can do is switch off my mind for relief from endless swigs of melancholia that threaten to dissolve me until i'm one with the raging ocean itself

but christmas lights glisten

and mutual trauma is packing tape

sometimes i find no Hope here, ironic

but thin threads attach to Elsewhere

Chocolate milk through a plastic straw

and the sun beats down today,

it doesn't hurt,

for once, I don't hurt

October musings and

fallen trees, not fallen leaves,

but the wind still shivers,

and isn't that something?

Halloween roofs against a blue, blue sky

that isn't bruised today,

and arms stretch to the moon and back,

and back and back again