Because I was always bigger than all my friends.

In every picture we took together I stood out and above them all.

Because I wasn’t allowed to wear a two-piece bathing suit,

and I was sure it was because I didn’t look skinny enough.

Flashes of every beach vacation ending in tears and frustration plague my mind.

Because I lied to myself about myself. No one will want me unless my body is microscopic.

I was convinced something was wrong with me and that everyone else knew it too.

Because I forgot how perfectly I was designed in my mother’s womb.

Because I wanted to be paper thin like all the girls I saw on tv and Instagram.

Because so what if I hurt myself and those around me if it got me thinner.

Cue the concerned gazes of my little brother during family dinner.

Because I could handle it and I was in control.

That’s a lie, because I started to enjoy the feeling of hunger.

The pain that was once unbearable was now a reward.

Cool water gliding down into an empty stomach became my favorite sensation.

Because my joy was being taken away with every cardio work-out I forced myself to do.

The night before my 16th birthday was spent doing jumping jacks on a broken foot.

Because fainting became a game to me, and I was beating my high score.

Because even strangers complimented what they thought was hard work,

when in reality they were congratulating me for starving.

Because my mind was swarmed with figuring out how sneaky I could be,

how long I could not swallow and how many ribs you could see.

Because enough was never enough. Too little never came, too small was non-existent,

and suddenly I couldn’t picture my life without being hungry.

And then, one day,

my secret was no longer a secret, and my family was worried about me.

It became because I was tired of hating myself.

Because my body is simply the shell I am inside of.

When I think about the people I adore, their size doesn’t even cross my mind.

Because my body is the least interesting thing about me.

Because I started therapy and there are people who know what I go through.

Because I owe it to five-year-old me to be the girl I was before I cared about calories.

It’s liberating eating what you’re hungry for instead of what you feel worthy of.

Because true beauty is realness and even famous artworks have imperfections.

Because Hannah Montana said nobody’s perfect.

Because Christmas lights and stars both shine beautifully,

but there’s no need to compare them.

Because food keeps us alive and tastes delicious.

It’s still scary sometimes, but that’s okay.

Because I won’t stop trying to unlearn all the evil habits I adopted.

It turns out no one cares about your BMI.

And because it’s exhausting being at war with yourself.

Blue bird singing outside my window,

letting me know the day is new.

I lean on the frame to say hello.

I watch her land in the nest with her babes.

Beautiful creatures perfectly made.

The second I feel You;

I know that I’m Yours.

Not literally, but in my heart,

like the babies and the mother bird.

Little ones that don’t speak at all,

yet they know to whom they belong

because she treats them so well

and grows them to be so strong.

The sound of my engine giving out on me again

fills the air as tears suffocate my eyes.

Fourth time this week, my boss

won’t continue to be understanding.

My forehead meets the cold tan steering wheel

of my beat-up pickup truck.

A sigh leaves my mouth.

Every day I want to give up

but,

When life drags on hopelessly,

I dance with You.

Again and again,

you take the lead,

so I don’t have to.

A woman with short, bobbed hair yells at me in Target

for accidently scanning her dog food twice.

My hands shake and my voice quivers,

I feel foolish.

I feel belittled,

but,

I have Your Word tucked in my heart.

They never leave me, nor forsake me.

Letter recipes that sit so sweet on my tongue.

One taste and my paralyzing fears are gone..

“The Lord is my light and my salvation;

whom shall I fear?”

Daily reminders of truth that shine light

on the darkest of evils.

I remind myself I am called beloved

and wipe my tears away.

The green numbers on the oven glow 11pm.

Sitting on the tile floor, alone in the kitchen,

phone in hand, scrolling through Instagram.

Slapped in the face by the posts I see.

My “friends” must have forgotten

to invite me,

but,

Your comfort is as solid

as a steady heartbeat.

At your table,

I always have a seat.

For love and affection,

You never make me compete.

At the very end of everyday

when the air is stale and silent,

I get to sit still and chat with You.

My dark grey comforter forms a cocoon

and my Cinderella nightlight illuminates the room.

There’s no big epiphany or trumpets from the sky.

It’s me talking out loud to the only being that ever

makes me feel like I’m worthy to be alive.

Though I try to stray every day to live life my own way,

You continue to let me come back,

carrying the shattered pieces of my longing soul.

Delicately you place them together again,

as if it never got a scratch.

My eyelids droop and my voice begins to fade.

A few last thoughts escape me.

They’re a jumble of sleepy mumbled mess,

but Jesus doesn’t mind.

You’re mine and I am Yours.

You’re with me till the end.

Thank you. I love you,

my very best friend.

Sometimes the loneliness shows up in places I never expected it to. How is it that one single feeling can drag so many parts of you down? Sometimes I do not realize I am truly lonely until I am no longer alone. How does the company of other humans trigger the feeling of being invisible? I don't get it.

That's the funny thing about unhealthy addictions, you know?

You're glad that it's over but you miss the release it gave you. No matter how many other toxic things were attatched to it. It's hard not to go back...ngl. It almost feels like a comfort item or a security blanket that someone snatched away because you became "too attached." And you know it's for the best and you know what you were doing is wrong; you just forget that.

especially when you miss it.

You're not stupid, love.

He is,

for thinking he could do that to you and still have you around.

You're not mean, love.

He is,

for using you to figure himself out.

You are worth it, love.

It is his fault for not realizing it.

So cry for a minute, pout for a day, then say "bye boy" and continue on your way.

hey it's okay.

you're alright.

yes it hurts but it won't forever.

now you know how much not to give.

it's okay.

you didn't know any better,

and now you do.

wow. i'm scared.

why are you scared? you may ask.

i'm scared of bears.

bears? really?

No not really, but they can run fast. fast rythmes with last. did i mention i'm scared of failing?

failing? You may ask.

yes failing. being behind while everyone else is ahead. ahead rythmes with bed.

why does that matter?

it doesn't except for the fact that beds are where you sleep and i can't.

i also can't breathe sometimes.

you can't breathe sometimes? you may ask.

right. i just said that. now back to bears.

what about them?

sometimes to stay alive you have to play dead. sometimes i feel like i am always playing dead except i am alive and i'm tired of playing. sometimes it feels like the bear has caught me.

wait, the bear is real? you may ask.

no, of course the bear isn't real, but you know what is?

what?

doubt. fear. sadness. darkness. loneliness, cryingm shame, hate, ridicule, evilness...

ok you can stop now. i think i get the picture.

oh wow really? i may ask. would you mind explaining it to me then?