how can i live lightly

when i am being molded for the massacre,

when i am birthing fires

that will bear infernos

that will bear ashes in time?

how can i bloom

when i know i will one day wither,

wilting into freshly laid mulch above my ghost's past?

how can i avoid whatever comes last?

i will never be done

running from this continuum

i will never be completely finished

until i start surrendering

we are so obsessed with closure

that we forget why it's called an ending

we’ll be there

together

or

on the way

to each other

to meet in the middle

or at the end

of the beginning

to reach up

and

stroke the

long silk necks

of the

beautiful

horses.

i rise like lazarus

in the morning—

with the sun,

without the glory 

up from ashes 

and tangled bed sheets 

i weep 

for my resurrection 

and abandoned selfish ambitions

i need someone to celebrate me

i need someone to help

i know i'm not a hero for saving myself

but goddamnit, 

i want the recognition

to those who think i am daedalus,

who think i built my labyrinth

with my own two hands:

do you think i can 

at least make it out alive?

i am trying so hard to shine light, 

but i'm afraid i'm at the end of my wick

i want a plot by the sun

to remind everyone 

even those that burn the brightest settle into their graves,

that every man wants an end—

some of us just want ours sooner

whether it's this life or the after,

we all commit

some of us just don't want to admit it

i beg god 

to change the plans he has for me,

erase all that he's written

but i am just a wolf

howling at a moon that doesn't listen

When you suffer with issues such as

an eating disorder or self harm,

Your eyes become so much more well acclaimed to all that others battle on a daily basis.

You see patterns of disorder,

faint self harm scars,

you see through the lies.

The lies you told others to protect your secret.

The lies you still sometimes tell yourself.

The lies you're afraid you will be telling forever.

The lies you once told yourself.

The lies you still sometimes tell yourself.

The lies you're afraid you will be telling forever.

Because the imprint such occurrences make upon you

is an infinite one.

One that both augments

and defines your vision.