Dull sounds of silence

breed its seeds

of apathy, caught

in downpour

of smog, veiling

absence of light,

weeping echoes

left behind,

hardened clay

without center,

dead trek

to nowhere,

hunting for hope.

Awe extinguished

as sun beats down.

“You're gonna fuck up.”

The voice repeats inside my head as I stare at you.

Iʼm sure I'll say the wrong thing and we'll instantly be through.

I am over analyzing every evidence I have that you may not like me.

But thatʼs just my brain corrupting how I interpret things and see.

I just know I've messed up so much before with people who mattered far less

So please excuse me as I scream and cry because I am under a lot of stress.

Stress that I am not good enough, stress I never will be good enough

Stress because thinking Iʼm even close to lovable has become very tough.

You press your lips onto mine, my heart sinks a thousand feet. 

If love is a war, then it's time to admit my defeat.

How do you do that with your soul ?

Why does your presence make me whole? 

I'm nauseous and it's all to do with nerves,

I can't help it with the way you expose your curves.

Not to mention the things you say to me,

and when I look at you it's as if for the first time I see.

I see a future, a present, an everlasting dream.

I want to be your best friend, I want to be a team. 

What makes you tick? What makes you smile?

Tell me everything, I'll be here for a long while.

How much time has passed ? What day is it?

I've forgotten everything but you I must admit. 

I don't mean to be brittle, but I've spilled my insides out. 

I want you to know every thought, every fear, every doubt. 

I'm enraptured, thanks to only you. 

I hope I can give you all these feelings too.

But I know what it feels like to inhale you.  Little pieces of your personality and being penetrating me.

I inject your love or your deception. You make me feel nothing and everything all the same, you help me see.

Euphoria wraps around me like a blanket in your presence. And the intake of you is ever so addicting.

I've overdosed on your beauty and I'm gasping for air. Turns out this love thing is rather conflicting 

brain broken from every emotion,

Lacking the ability to handle any commotion,

Cats got my tongue, and someone took my heart.

I'd love to speak but I don't know where to start,

Lord, I pray every day that this ongoing suffering may go away,

But now I'm stuck on the floor with tears, and blurred vision with nothing to say.

I always used to have so much to say.

But my head can't wrap around the idea of being stable,

And when it comes to believing in the idea of love, I see it a fable.

This lack of love stems from me though, my family will claim

As if my depression is something I could possible begin to tame.

They don't understand, and neither do I,

Most nights I'm screaming on the floor even struggling to cry,

emotion has my mind spinning and every wall caving in,

I try to stand but the dots cloud my vision and the room starts to spin.

Pounding and throbbing overtakes my brain,

as if someone is beating me over the head with a cane.

I can't breathe, and I'm not sure I want to anymore,

and my best friend begins to be the comfort that i find laying on the floor,

"Don't let them walk all over you" they will advise,

as if I can see through people's facades and their lies.

I'm not a genius, just a girl, and hardly that anymore.

because most days I struggle to even walk out the door.

But the problem is me, once again. 

As if not knowing how to cope is possibly a sin. 

I'm not a bad a person, I just don't know what I should say,

I don't hate people, I just get in the way.

So please remind me how I'm out of control,

and how I've completely wrecked my soul,

As if, I don't feel bad enough ,

They tell me I need to learn how to be tough.

and how do you be tough?

How do I fight what's only in my head?

How do I grasp the pleasure in the thought of being dead?

They expect me to be alright with a constant repeating of "you're okay"

Yet I struggle in and out , still, every single day.