This had been a difficult, disturbing year for me and I was exhausted as I fell back on my chair seeking the relief of a deep sleep, maybe even a permanent one. But as I tossed and turned on my chair, I opened my tormented eyes to see my past thumbing its nose at me from the chair across the room. I saw his demeaning face berating me, telling me I was worthless, his face contorted in a rage with veins bulging on his forehead.

“Can’t I even escape you in my nightmares?” I moaned in utter dismay.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that I was the master of my dreams. I could change my destiny by tweaking the circumstances, molding them to my needs and wants. I decided to get rid of the albatross that had been hanging on my neck for far too long. But I had so many fates to choose from. I decided that an unknown force would slice the artery in his neck and leave him suffering while he bled out. I laughed out loud, knowing that I would never have the courage to watch him die if I were awake.

The next morning, for the first time in many months, I awoke refreshed and feeling ready to face the future. I realized it had only been a dream but it forced me to realize that I needed to excise him, neatly, from my life forever. Getting up to start some coffee, I was horrified to see a large crimson stain on my chair. I hated knowing that I had to get rid of my brand new chair!

A beautiful girl,

With a beautiful smile,

Looking in a mirror,

Only to see her flaws.

She claws into her own flesh;

Hoping,

Trying,

Doing her best to change the beauty she doesn’t see in herself.

She doesn’t seem to notice;

She’s hurting them by not believing, Not seeing,

Only tearing apart.

Her skin is a battle zone;

A war between her beauty and her demons.

So torn up,

Beaten,

Bruised,

Shattered,

She continues to fight for the wrong side:

Believing her demons speak the truth.

Tears drown her soul,

She gasps for air, but she’s just too deep,

Lost in the depths.

It hurts to carry out what they tell her she must,

Her demons leave her to drown as they watch her struggle,

Together with her thoughts, they build up walls in her mind,

Blocking her from seeing clearly,

But forcing her to listen only to them.

This beautiful girl,

Now a dull shadow,

A whisper in the wind;

She’s lost her true self.

Tearing at her unseen beauty,

She knows it cannot be right,

But she cannot stop.

The scratches and scars now placed upon her soft, delicate skin,

She doesn’t know another way.

The whispers of her demons grow stronger as she grows weaker;

They’re consuming her very life,

And they celebrate in her down fall.

The beautiful smile she wears,

Now hidden away,

For fear of what they might say.

Staring into a mirror,

Blood trickling down her face,

Tears slowly falling from her precious eyes.

Beautiful things die too, you know?

Just look at her now;

Fading away,

Losing her colours.

They ask her to stay,

To see the true beauty she carries.

But how could she?

Her demons won’t allow her to.

Beautiful things may die,

But beauty itself, shall never fade.

She continues to be the beautiful girl,

With a beautiful smile,

Just a little battered and bruised,

But the beauty never dies.

They’re making “sex dolls”

It says on my TV.

Something else to be rejected by

When it won’t have sex with me.

And where’s the passion?

Where’s the lust ?

Where’s the lack of human trust?

What’s the point of plastic passion

Carried out in a plastic fashion?

Her body, face and boobs are phoney ,

But she’s your wife, your one and only.

So leave the plastic doll alone

And go back to the one at home!

self-loathing, depleted, hatred, and lack of endearment

I meant the best but what I did was the worst,

my words were violent, shrill wales instead of soft silent calls for help,

my moments were fading slowly and instead of helping I made things fade inside,

I gouged out my eyes trying to fall asleep at night.

silent cries for help

I cried,

know you're not asleep

know you're not alone,

I'll remind you I'm not away, and if I fail you at least I tried. my cries are not worry or pity for you they're hatred for me.

I hope one day you see what I see

through the eyes of the eyes, you do not love.

love me hate me,

meet me leave me,

cycles on rewind

cycles on repeat.

the devil hides in between the cracks that form from the line between your face,

love me hate me

meet me leave me,

cycles on rewind

cycles on repeat.

never ending but always repeating

my self destructing tendencies never seem to fade.

I want to feel the warm embrace of my tears,

As they roll down my cheeks,

Hugging my skin so tightly.

But I don't want to feel the pain,

The aching pain that caused the tears to fall.

Listen to the silent screams,

The muffled sobs,

The harsh, hushed whispers.

I thought I could swim,

But I'm drowning.

Struggling just below the surface,

Ready to break free,

But it's alright that no one notices,

I'll be okay.

Won't we all?

Happiness is only a teardrop away,

Things get worse before they get better,

That's what they tell us.

So I let the soft tears slide down my face,

Leaving warm streaks from my puffy eyes.

It's okay to cry,

It's okay to feel this way,

It's okay to show your true emotions,

Trust me,

It'll all be okay.

So take my hand,

I'll wipe away your tears, if you would be so kind to do the same for me.

Maybe I'm drowning,

Maybe you are too,

But we aren't alone in our silent struggle.

We never seem to understand that when we need to,

We never understand why someone would choose to love such awful beings.

Let's save each other from the darkness we've been drowning in,

From the silence we've been haunted by,

Let's teach one another how to swim,

We can do it,

For all the tears we've cried,

All the times we've died,

All the voices we've ignored,

All the thoughts we've attempted to push away;

Let us swim together,

Through this silent, stormy sea.

I’ve written at least a dozen drafts of this very letter. Stumbling on the words. I just needed to know you’re really invested in what I’m saying. I couldn’t possibly say my goodbyes in person, especially to you. You wouldn’t listen.

Before I go, I need you to see my side of the story.

Meeting you was life changing because I’ve never known someone who harbours so much love in the deepest core of their heart. I know everyone that you love and I’m so happy for them, jealous of them, and in debt to them. You are the sun and the moon and every single god damn star in the sky. That’s how I see you. You asked me awhile ago and I couldn’t possibly answer while looking into your eyes. That’s my own fault, I’m far too afraid of vulnerability and you deserve someone who can reach your depths alongside you.

I love you.

It’s ok, you don’t have to love me.

I would never say it to hear it back, I just think you deserve to know.

Listen before I go. I love you the most.

Sincerely yours,

and yours forever.