As I move on into a fleeting future

You stay nailed to the past

To some ideal never meant to last

Why is it so hard to look past?

To see our failures as just that

I scorched you down to your bones

Made your skeleton my home

Let the remnants cage me in

Guaranteed we would never be again

This cage of guilt I've built for me sings of what I never hope to be

A monster, a disease

You were always better off without me

If me loving someone else is what it took for you to see

If this is what it took for you to hate me

I am happy

I confess to you my sins

The atrocities I gave to him

So you can see I was not always human

There you sit comforting me

You got the house he tried to build

We talk and say how I'm better now

That girl was scared, only trying to survive

Like an abused dog, it was not her fault

Full of guilt and worthlessness

I'm disgusting in my self-loathing

Judging myself too harshly

Perhaps I will always be human to you

Monster to him

Rage birthed from passion

Exploding through my skin like gas pipes in a building too old to withstand

Waves rattle through my bones

Perfectly in sync

Each wave growing upon the last

Building

Building

It is in the failing resistance of my bones that I will crash

Tobble down like Lincoln logs

Cursed to rebuild

Crash and rebuild

Crash and rebuild

Less rollercoaster more hurricane

How it washes every trace of me away

The rubble of memories drenched in regret

Shredded by guilt

Is it only the guilty that are powerful?

How I've fallen in love with the acid on my tongue and the fire in my lungs

Fallen in love with the self-loathing that propels me toward better things

The strength in the obscenities

The pain of knowing what has become of me

The monster I used to be

The one that slumbers deep inside of me

A hidden nightmare in my waking dream

There is power in this guilt

And guilt in this power

Often I revel in it

Rather perish by passion than suffocation

Salvation disguised as destruction

Am I villian?

Or merely human?

Is drunk, at the bar, really the best place to catch up on your reading he asks

As if there's any other answer than yes

In a crowded space or my empty apartment

The fields of The Land reach me

Taken through the uncharted

Up and up and up towering mountain peaks

Through caverns and canyons and caves

To the top of the peaks, jagged and rough

Like God himself forgot the usefulness of sandpaper

To see the plains and city and stampede of horses like an eagle above Eden

To watch the Giants sail upon their ships reaching for a home lost a thousand years

The unbelieving forced to believe while others call them denial

The home of rock and stone

Blocked by gates and never yielding guards

Who would give up their very lives in the defense of the Lords

To be affected with such intensity that I must put the story down

Walk away

Tears welling

Heart racing

Cigarette shaking

To think of the loved one who shared this

To understand him in ways I never had

When I come into the bar and you see me with my nose in a book

Yes, this is exactly where I want to be

Boulders balancing precariously

Tracks of iron and will

Placed below here for years they show no fear

Long they have transported across them hopes and dreams, weapons and means to ends

The hands that carved this valley with the help of dynamite and fire

What was it that fueled their will for survival?

The sound of memories rushing below?

Or perhaps what they believed they had at home

The hours and lives buried in this mountain side

Boulders leaning on boulders

Shoulder to shoulder

It's a wonder of physics that they can hold each other

As if they are daring the wind to blow them over

Egging on the bully that they know can't defy them

Strength, obvious

Confidence, passive

They are not afraid of falling

Not anymore than they are sure they won't

Regardless of where they go

They will still be themselves

Scarred and shaped

On top of the mountain

Or drowning in the river

They are unshaken

Whole and home

Love is the most dangerous act

Given as easily as it can be taken back

The way you rolled through me like magma under the earth's crust

You were warm and welcoming in my veins

Lighting on fire each nerve's end

A fire I feigned for

A comfort I yearned for

What would remain if you didn't come through here anymore?

A barren wasteland in the form of a woman

Full of charcoal and smoke

A rainfall of ash settles to the ground now cold

This would be my humble abode

As I sat alone in volcanic snow

I would take note

Of how the time passed slowed

And with it growth

Small trees sprout

Slowly, but surely animals would come and explore about

Make homes where I thought nothing could

I would watch the wasteland become alive again

Mountain springs and roaring rivers

Tall pines perfect for lines of Christmas lights

The fish would jump and bite

Deer and elk would raise their little ones

Bear cubs tussling through tall grass

Who knew the woman I would become after all the destruction we caused

The match you held

The fire I fed

I am not healed but almost

I can taste it on my tongue

I have never been more sure that you do not belong

I do not live for your comfort because I have my own

I have been given a chance

A chance to rebuild

With freedom and strength

I will become exactly who I want

Glide your fingers over my petals

Pay attention to how they fold under your weight

The way they open without my say

Splayed out ready for you to play

Do you see the colors?

How they merge into the stem

Red into orange, yellow, green

This is where my beauty greets the rest of me

Long, straight, strong as my stance may seem

This is not how it's always been

Keep running your fingers down and you will meet my protection

Thorns the size of a finger nail

Meant to stop intruders before they get too far

You may admire the petals

Find comfort within my velvet embrace

If you try and pluck me from my home there will be a price to pay

Blood will run into my soil

Scars will litter your palm

If you wish to love me, love me as I am

Leave me in the garden

Water me with intention

Speak kind words

Take care of me exactly as I am

Thorns and all

Try to change me, prune me, perfect me

I will fall, dead and empty

There's still days where I hurt just as much as the first

Almost a year later and it remains something I can't get over

I watch your friends share memories and smile, laugh, remember

I guess I'm not yet there

Something was torn from me that day

Something that will never return

A love good and pure

A love I still yearn for

So much care

You were always there

Your name like blades across my skin opening wounds with mitch-match stiches

All the times I've tried to sew them shut, without fail they open up

The love you offered was not something I was ready for

I'm still not, but I'm drowning in regret for not giving it a fair shot

I vowed when you passed that I would never love unless they loved me like you did

Took care of me in all the ways I need to be cared for

Ensuring safety and stability

An equal part of this team

Perhaps to find that again, an ignorant dream

I thought I had

Now I'm not so sure

Though pieces of him are good and true

He'll never be you

No one ever could