I want to laugh, but my lungs won't allow it. I feel everything and nothing through the shivers that echoe through the empty caverns of my body: one moment I feel your hand and then you are gone. Again and again.

You are telling me jokes and I want to laugh. I want to laugh at these memories we share and the continuity errors in your story, how one moment you're in the story and then you disappear and it is just me. You are losing your voice and I am losing my will. A machine beeps in red. You hold my hand tighter.

I want you to remind me what it feels like to live because I am forgetting. It has been so long and I feel so empty of something I was once full of: this isn't how I meant it to be. Everything is hurting but the pain is leaving me too. Everyone is here but you are leaving to get a glass of water.

I'm afraid I will die in the moment you go to the sink, and the moment you let go of my hand, the beeping will intensify and you'll spill your water all over your green shirt and you'll call the nurse but it'll be too late and this time it'll be me that's gone. You were always gone and you were always coming back. Now I am leaving and I can't even open my mouth to say goodbye.

You were always just an illusion

You were real but different in my mind

I thought you were a dream come true

You were an idea sparked from a beautiful picture

Five years ago I thought so much of you

I thought you were saving my life

But you created a person in me 

And neither of us wanted this change

I guess I was stronger than you, 

To stick around any longer

I didn't know how to deal with it

I'm sorry I created the wrong illusion of myself

Now we're in high school

Now I'm changing again

Now you're only an idea to me

I created more of you than I received

Whenever I see you I feel like you're my creation

Seeing you again is like

Painting a picture with the wrong colors

But I didn't

You came to life

I remember, as a child staring at the closet door

Afraid that if it was open, just a crack

Some sort of darkness would pour out-

I'd run into Mom's arms, feeling the softness of her embrace

And sleep on the floor in my parent's room

Thinking, somehow, their presence could ward off

My nightmares. 

I think it was never a fear of the dark, 

It stemmed from my fear of being alone

It was the same feeling as when I was standing alone in the playground

Swinging in high arches with no one on the swing next to me

Climbing that tall tree in front of the school and feeling like I was the only person

It was those opposite feelings of freedom and dread:

Green and ebony, mixing together and forming the same knot in my stomach

That made me think

Maybe I'll die here, tonight

Maybe no one will hear me scream

All I am is a tree falling alone in a forest

But there is no forest

There is only me

And it's cold

    and it's dark

Who ever told you it was okay to be distant

That when I said "I'm fine" every instant

You were never allowed to think, maybe

Maybe she's not okay, we'll see

If this or that could make a difference

Well maybe it won't, to you it won't make sense

How I only function when I set my own rules

When I use my own tools

But still screw it up somehow

And that's why you catch me late at night laying still with my eyes open

And did you never stop to think, maybe something's wrong... maybe she's choking

On her own thoughts. 

Well I was never brought up

To think that anything beyond circumstances could change the way I am, 

It was always nurture, not nature, so I'm alive and not damned

My mind isn't cursed, I have a perfect life

Yeah right

Maybe those poems I showed you could offer insight

Into what I'm thinking at night

Or maybe not

Maybe I just rot

And you'll let me

This is the last time 

I'll write a poem that rhymes

Because it bothers everyone that I never put words correctly together

So maybe I'll just stop writing altogether

And smile at you, at both of you, and say the words that are on the surface

And hope to never find out what it truly means to lack purpose

So would it bother you for a second to think

That maybe I'm just always on the brink

Someday I'll explode

I hope you're there to see me go

So next time I step out of the school bus looking like I was just hit by it

Stop and think to yourself, my daughter might not be okay

And that didn't rhyme

But that's fine

Anyhow, who are you to get the overall message

Without picking at its parts?

The house had a porch, and a sideways entrance

With a screen door that creaked when opened, 

Revealing a young woman with a familiar face

And blonde hair.

The truck she drove was orange with flashing lights

And she used it to kidnap each one of us, and take us here

To the old house, with a big garage that could fit her truck.

She was pretty, but with a cruel look to her

And I was so small, looking up at her, I must have been a kid, and she greeted me

With a slap across the cheek and a kick in the back so hard

That I could feel it ricochet down my spine as I lay in my bed. 

I knew I was dreaming but could not wake up,

Could not control this nightmare. During the day she kept us

In cages, with the wiring they use in chicken coops.

It was my mom who saved us all in the end;

Somehow she'd followed the bright orange truck to the house, 

And called the police, who saw me laying there, bruised and beaten

Like a bird who'd forgotten how to fly. It was her voice, too, that saved me;

Calling through dimensions, speaking through the wave of the nightmare, 

Saying it's getting late and I should get up soon, take a shower

And eat breakfast. 

Try to be okay,

And when you're not,

Try a bit harder.

(note: if all else fails,

stop trying altogether)

As I’m sitting here I’m thinking,

This is the only time that this time will be here

This is the only 9:13 pm on May 11, 2017

This moment has passed, will pass, passed decades ago (now it's 9:14)

And will never return, this moment is the only one of its kind

So, in theory, very moment is a waste of a moment

I sometimes realize how much I lose

While trying to buy time, that empty commodity

I'm losing sleep 

And I wonder how many moments I have left, in total

It must be scary when you start realizing, you realize

The years you have left are less than you can count on your fingers

So maybe then, these moments mean more

Or maybe not

Maybe eventually you’re ready for all time to end

For it all to fall apart

Maybe you’re ready to go from an is

To a was

We have our ups, we have our downs

It gives me something to write about

The best of times, the closest of friends

It's a shame to think someday it all ends

With explosiveness and dissonance

You will leave me standing in bitterness

I know it's true, and so do you

But what are we supposed to do?

Just promise me I'll see you tomorrow

Promise me the sun will rise

Promise me there's an end to sorrow

And I'll begin to see blue skies

We're both depressed, it's such a shame

We'd lean on ourselves with no one to blame

Then we found one another and became best friends

It's inevitable that this will end 

But I'll enjoy you while we still have breath

Though every day it seems we talk of death

As if there was just some way out

It gives us something to ponder about

Will you really kill yourself

And leave me here to fend for myself

Leave me here to fend for myself?

Just promise me I'll see you tomorrow

Promise me the sun will rise

Promise me there's an end to sorrow

And we'll both begin to see blue skies

they'll never understand

that my heart rate can go up to 120 bpm 

without even lifting a finger

that i'm always shaking, sitting up straight

feeling as if the strings that hold me will all break

all the ties i've made, all the friends i've tried to keep,

will leave me and I'll be alone alone alone

just me and my words

they'll never understand

that even though breathing is a natural instinctive thing,

sometimes i forget how to

and my lungs implode 

and i feel like i'm going to collapse, right here and right now

they'll never understand

that this can come from anything, anywhere

it's not because of my situation at home

i don't have ptsd

they'll never understand

that my thoughts spill out so fast that sometimes

i have no idea what is happening around me

and i shut it all out, and i can, and i will

if need be

You’re so close,

So    close     to      me

That your magnetism gives     me    a heart attack

As it beats           in rhythm with yours

As I feel dizzy and my brain does cartwheels

Because you are       here, you are        tangible,

You are                                  present.

Now you are talking            to me,

And I am responding         with the wrong words,

The wrong syllables, yet     you      have patience,

And smile as    I      stutter.

You know               I love you

You know           I care so much about you

You know       I desire, above everything, to be close to you

And you are        here,        in this room

But you aren’t        here         with me.