Everytime i take a look back,

daggers fly, like lightning,

blood jet-black,

running down my cheeks,

tearing at my skin,

checking,

am i beautiful,

When i realise,

I'll be nothing but bones,

in the end.

so am I beautiful,

on the inside?

So fucking juvenile,

always worthwhile,

hostile,

skin hardens,

I'm immobile,

just trying,

to find out if,

I am beautiful,

on the inside.

A Fragile mind,

like mine,

running out of time,

the pendelum,

swinging like a gulliotine,

full of adrenaline,

the clock chimes,

like a money machine,

reverberating,

through my mind,

reality first dawned at fourteen,

crippling truth which undermines,

what lies in between,

life and death,

I've asked myself,

A hundred million times.

Never mind,

another kind,

over powered by,

the times of wonder,

and each day it feels a little colder,

always suffering under my own sadness,

I put myself and don't clear myself,

I overthink and pretend,

that everything is alright,

nevermind, some other time,

when im humming to myself,

under that ray of light,

because I am different,

I am always torn away,

from the cradle to grave,

to speak truly,

because I am always seen,

for being obscene,

In the sense of breaking norms,

of what a woman is,

I am tall, I hold my head up,

sometimes,

the hatred comes,

from the depths within,

self destruction.

as I believe I am finally running out of thread,

just living my life, fuck leave me alone,

you peices of shit,

I've dealt with bullies,

for most of my younger life,

till a time,

I found comfort in drinking instead?

only for so long till,

I preffered this haze instead,

I want a comfortable life,

dont want to be burdened,

the mind, while I have time,

while my hands are warm and my brain still works,

something spoken,

some self harm from a young age from trauma and drinking,

never wondering why my developed mind,

always felt behind, I just thought that was normal,

I talk normal as the definition rings true,

and I am some where else in kind,

ramblings of a trans woman, trying to get over this fear,

I hold of myself, wrapped up in barbed wire,

twist off my rotten limbs.

bunching,

buffalos,

bulldozing,

boundaries,

breaking,

bending

bashing,

beings,

bleeding,

bludgoening,

burning,

beings,

beating

belittling

before,

binding,

bill,

becky,

boo

beautiful,

bufaloos

BBQ

burger

Baby,

bloody,

brilliant.

anorexic

Antelopes

accelarating,

anxiously

across

africa,

&

aggravating,

asshole

adults,

abusing,

apes

annihilating

all

animals

&

ascending

across

as

ash.

So the habit died as quick as it started,

i repeat, another idea bites the dust,

the taste of salt in the air, as i brush my fingers,

through waves folding over one another,

like folding paper, stuffing all my words,

inside the envelop of life,

only able to recall snippets,

something has to give,

those lies will spill over.

Sat with this uncomfortable feeling,

This guilt, for feeling this way,

For doing what I did,

I sit and sit until, the room fills, with watered words to drown out,

This uncomfortable feeling, underneath my skin, my anxious something, it's slivering,

Consuming within,

Taking my life away,

One meal at a time.

I can't keep up,

with shattered pieces,

scattered along the,

wine stained floor,

light steps,

"come on, break a leg"

They said,

while lightly,

tapping the bat,

on there hollow head.

I'm a schemer, deciever,

I will bleed ya, so i can,

reap those lies,

for another day and time,

come rain on shine,

I do the time,

and then i am back,

to what,

combat this,

self doubt,

It puts me to sleep each time,

I think i can commit,

to something,

anything,

Fuck off and get a grip,

rip this up and throw it in the bin,

That's just day One,

to be contuined,

maybe, patients,

you'll get your bliss,

when I shut the fuck up,

i know you cant take one more moment of this.

Something eats away at my brain,

are these emotions,

why do I cling,

To my selfish mind,

criminal,

wasting away the years,

on something my mind,

replays, over and over,

smashing the pause button,

over your head,

for filling my head with such,

criminal lines, that attack,

on the inside, bashing,

till the cracking sound,

echoes in my bones.

Being sober is boring and I dunno,

Makes me enjoy the simpler times,

Instead of lingering in some virtual world,

I belong, these words dont mean nought without,

being read out loud, I want my voice to be heard,

But I dunno where to shout,

Where do i go to shout?

Whose ears are ready to listen,

get out your head, its a prison,

writing is fine for a time,

so take advantage,

knowing what awaits the otherside,

who lays in the shade, awaiting there time.