I wrote this 2 years ago but I've been feeling like this often. Reminder to anyone reading: You're good enough exactly the way you are. You are worthy of respect simply for existing. Big hugs :)

I’m not sorry

For going to bed at 3am

Instead of working

Until dawn.

I’m not sorry

For studying with my friends

Instead of sitting

All alone.

I’m not sorry

For going home at night

Instead of playing

A sport I hate.

I’m not sorry

For stopping piano lessons

Instead of forcing

Myself to play.

I’m not sorry

I chose not to run for council

Because you wanted it

Not me.

I’m not sorry

I chose to tutor instead of study

Because my friend’s at

A fifty-three.

I’m not sorry

I chose not to take physics

Because I loved Spanish

So much more.

I’m not sorry

I chose to take Saturday off

Because my family means

The world.

I’m not sorry

I refused to jump

Through every single hoop.

I’m not sorry

I didn’t check

Every single box you drew.

I’m not sorry

I used my time

To write poetry

And truth.

I’m not sorry

I never tried

To change myself

For you.

(Content warning: su!c!de attempts, mental illness, self-harm, pills)

Please note that this is an old poem, it’s mostly fiction, and my mental health is very good and well taken care of recently.

Secondly, please note that if you are struggling with mental health issues, please feel free to message me anytime. Wishing you all the best.)

A young, bright graduate

with a promising future

now sobbing in a waiting chair

in the hospital’s psychiatric ward

Sorry, hon, I know you’ve tried

seven kinds of medicines already

but let’s just try one more

don’t take them all this time

Bloody wrists and vomit

wipe it up, wrap it up

have a panic attack or two in class

go back home and try again

I apologize for the poor quality

of this academic essay

I just started new antipsychotics

because I can’t tell what’s real

The whole world feels greyer

than my defective grey matter

wake me up when something matters

if that day ever comes

Tell me, have you ever blacked out

with no one there to catch you

except the slate-grey concrete

with all its warmth and empathy

Tell me, have you ever floated

in a bubble-filled bathtub

with your head underwater

and wanted to breathe in

How do you think

about a problem

when your problem is

you can’t think right

How do you live

when your life’s over

and you’re got a mangled gouge

where your soul used to be

in a quiet room with beige walls

a girl kneels by a woman’s bed

the woman

with crinkled brown skin and wispy white hair

fragile as an autumn leaf

wrinkled and weary from a season now past

softly swaddled in hospital sheets

the girl

her skin soft and rosy with youth

and tracked with tearstains

they sat here together

as the girl wept

her head bent and shoulders trembling

hunched under the agonizing appreciation

of time’s ever-persistent march

she crumbles here, beside the bedframe

trembling with grief

in this beige room

a wizened, knobbly hand reaches

and grasps hers

the woman shakes with the frailty of age

but her grip is strong and steadfast

she pulls the girl close to her chest

and murmurs into her hair

the girl understands

not the words, but the meaning

the woman holds her here

and whispers

until the girl’s tears slow

she holds tight to the woman’s shrivelled hand

and she knows her skin will too be crumpled

under the weight of a lifetime

but at this moment, she rests

held chest to chest with the woman

breathing in pace

with one another.

if everyone who loves me

everyone who held me, comforted me

has died

except you

i would stay for you

i would hold you, comfort you

i would endure such a world

to be there, to love you

i would do that for you.

i would stay.

(one day maybe i could do it for myself)

if you went to hell

and i went to heaven

and everyone i love went to heaven too

i would leave

i would spend an eternity burning

trade heaven for hell

just to be with you

even if i couldn’t touch you

hold you, comfort you

if you didn’t even know i was there

i would go in a heartbeat

it’s not a decision

not a good or kind choice

it’s the hook in my heart that pulls me

between you and the struggle

you and the suffering

you and the world

(even if it were a choice

i’d choose you over anything.)

if the world held nothing for me

except grief

and you

i would stay.

They love you, but

honey

the sad-sack act gets boring quick

The only reason

they’re still here

is they feel bad you’re sick

Admit it, you did it

you’ve left people in the past

You love them, but

the love you have

isn’t built to last

Under this dark and crushing weight

you can hardly breathe

So don’t ask them to share it

depression stays

and people leave

_____________________________________________________________________

I see sadness in my aunt’s eyes

a life of leaps

and falls

Her illnesses, her miscarriage

I love her through it all

I never met my grandmother

she never knew my name

Her brief life was heartbreaking

I love her just the same

These children, they are broken

difficult and rough

If all I do in life

is love them

that will be enough

My grandfather gave me this sickness

and the strength to make it out alive

I forgive him without question

I take his hand in mine

So tell me again

how sadness

will break my life apart

When I say I love you wholly

that includes your broken heart.

To my muse

You have helped me see

That I have a talent

One that I never knew I had

It’s helped me open up

All my pain, love, fear, happiness...

It’s written out in my poems

Words are the way to say

Thank you for the inspiration

Thank you for listening

Thanks for being a friend

And most importantly

Thank you for being my muse!

I will not wait forever

I will give you some time

But don’t expect me to stay around

Don’t waste my time

I’ve been waiting long enough

I’m ready to love

If your gonna drag this out

Please tell me now

I know exactly what I want

And I will move on

I have a question

How do you love?

What do you look for in the one?

The one you hope will be!

Do you look in there eyes?

Do you feel their pain?

Do you notice their smile?

Or do they have a frown?

Do you notice the way they walk?

Are they confident or act shy?

If it was me would you look at me

Would you give me a second look

Could you see in my eyes the love

The love I’ve been longing to give

Or could you see my pain?

Would you be afraid to be friends?

Don’t be afraid

I’m stronger than I look

You can’t scare me

I’m afraid no more

I’ve come back from a place you’ve never seen

So I ask you again

How do you love?

What happened to us

I thought we were meant to be

We started out in love

But as time went on

You grew distant

You stopped caring

You blamed me for everything

But you couldn’t see

That it was you

You changed

You weren’t the person I fell in love with

All those years ago

What had changed in you

Why couldn’t you talk to me

We use to share everything

But those days are no more

A love I wanted

And now you give none

What happened to US!?

As I close my eyes

I remember how you felt

The way you touched me

The smell of your cologne

Your voice when you said “I love you”

But your gone

As I close my eyes

I remember all the tears

With each tears there’s heartache

A heartache of an undeniable pain

A pain I can no longer describe

Why did you hurt me

As I close my eyes

I remember the struggle

To finally find the strength

A struggle of all the love

That I gave and lost

To a man who didn’t deserve me

As I close my eyes

Tears well up

And I begin to cry

I wiped away the tears

And pray that I found the courage

To move on and be free

Of all the heartache