(Content warning: su!c!de attempts, mental illness, self-harm, pills)
Please note that this is an old poem, it’s mostly fiction, and my mental health is very good and well taken care of recently.
Secondly, please note that if you are struggling with mental health issues, please feel free to message me anytime. Wishing you all the best.)
A young, bright graduate
with a promising future
now sobbing in a waiting chair
in the hospital’s psychiatric ward
Sorry, hon, I know you’ve tried
seven kinds of medicines already
but let’s just try one more
don’t take them all this time
Bloody wrists and vomit
wipe it up, wrap it up
have a panic attack or two in class
go back home and try again
I apologize for the poor quality
of this academic essay
I just started new antipsychotics
because I can’t tell what’s real
The whole world feels greyer
than my defective grey matter
wake me up when something matters
if that day ever comes
Tell me, have you ever blacked out
with no one there to catch you
except the slate-grey concrete
with all its warmth and empathy
Tell me, have you ever floated
in a bubble-filled bathtub
with your head underwater
and wanted to breathe in
How do you think
about a problem
when your problem is
you can’t think right
How do you live
when your life’s over
and you’re got a mangled gouge
where your soul used to be
was a tree
just a bump nothing big
was a dumpster
just a scratch not to worry
was a t-bone
as that car crossed the highway into the side
that I sat in as my head hit windshield
just some whiplash, a bump, and nose blood
was a fender kiss
just a dent nothing major
tipping the old van over to its side
as I crawled out the busted windshield
just some bumps and cuts, alright
got rear ended
spilled some coffee, nothing burned
burst a tire
running over a concrete berm
Who knows how bad the next will be
or if I'll walk away next time like I have before
which is why every time I leave the house
I kiss you goodbye
just in case
it really is
A Crashed Conversation
We were having a conversation.
We were laughing and enjoying the flow, the rhythm, the symmetry. It seemed to be the right time to talk and vibe. A little too perfect. Then the conversation abruptly stopped.
Silence filled the phone with air. The middle of that conversation had no meaning now. A new conversation starts with fear at the wheel. The question “Are you okay?” floated in the air of concern. A brisk “I’m fine, but someone just hit my car” floated back to set the mood. Now the conversation is nervous and jittery. Last thought but in demand, “I hope you wasn’t driving while talking with me.” A quick answer “No! But I have to hang up now because I have to call the police.” An understanding agreement was reached and the conversation ended.
a pop and a hiss
the week is long, it seems to s t r e t c h
coated in cobwebs.
it all slips away
fluid and endless,
until existence ceases
throat trembles bones,
body a soda pop
thrown by the hand of God
on Beijing walls
I hold onto it
hold, hold, hold
till a dribble dribbles
down the threshold
and cheeks sting
then the chest shakes
as ghosts trigger pacemakers
beating their drums
for the rivers while they mold
plains and mounds
into glossy veins
roaming with the years of backlogged pain
I sometimes wish I never found
we ran in crazed circles and
the circles burst into hot pink
yellow sunsets and fireworks
red as tongues plastered by
candy juice, liquid sugar
in the circles that we sucked
the last life from our dry
eyes, burning with our
throats, rotten teeth screaming
ecstatic emptiness into the
sky that fizzed like our
insides circling vultures
over the wrecked remains,
twisted metal ribs and
sugar stains where the plane
crashed in the field streaked
with our multicoloured vomit
and the blood just looked
like more candy, the screams
matched our maniacal
laughter and spinning in circles,
the screams cut off, the sugar
crashed and we all
Melatonin Kicks In
Sunlight poured through the window, burning raw corneas. The insomniac listened as the cars began to pick up, honking like geese. Warmth from the heater mixed with the comfort of the light allowed the bloodshot eyes to finally sleep.
Mother was born in the Oort cloud, an icy sphere at the edge of our solar system. A place comprised of debris bouncing around this cosmic pinball machine, our little piece of the galaxy. One day she decided to zig instead of zag, her mass built up just right with a heaviness of ice and forgotten bits left over from the Big Bang. She’d heard of a planet, named Jupiter, with the power to get her closer to the sun. Having always wanted to visit the all powerful Sun, that great star they revolved around in worship, she gathered up the last pieces of mass she could reach and pushed her way toward Jupiter.
Sungrazers they call them and she was on her way to becoming one. Many cheered her on as she passed them by. Her great beautiful tail growing the closer she came to the Sun, curving and sparkling with magnificent beauty. Her request to Jupiter had been simple, she only needed to be near him, this spectacular center of her universe whom she had admired for so long. She wanted desperately to feel the tingle of his radiation and was more than willing to pay the price of coming so close to the great life giver, her star. Jupiter obliged her by using his gravitational pull and his great mass to send her onto a path leading straight for the glowing ball of fury, their God. With all his might he threw her harder than any other comet that had come before. How brave she was, my Mother.
The Sun took in her great growing beauty as she came nearer and coveted her above all else for it was a lonely position, to be center of attention. The planets and comets in his orbit flow around him day after day but never dare to come so close as she. He watched her approach, tail glowing, with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. There was a reason few dared such an extrodinary feat for even he could not control his power.
The day finally came, she was ready, and as she lowered her mass in reverence to him he felt a great pull. Something deep within his core recognized her as the one he had always needed. With an interstellar sigh heard throughout time, in a powerful tidal force of cosmic love, I was born. Father bid farewell as Mother continued her path back to the Oort cloud and I, evidence of their love, made my way toward his most beloved planet Earth.
The day I entered the atmosphere of my new home was glorious. Father, so proud to gift me to this precious world of his, looked on as I burst through each layer of gasses to meet my final resting place. Scaly heads tilted in awe and enormous trees bowed before me. A trail of his fire and smoke signaled my royal lineage when I landed. An impressive tidal wave of dust finalized my coronation, a testament to my Mother’s greatness.
Father watched with pride as the world reset, regrew and from the ashes his Stardust children were born...
When An Emotional Wave Crashes Upon A Well-Reasoned Rock.
We envy them but love them truly;
Those the world has deemed unruly;
God-sent born and bredded dancers;
Wedding jesters; take-a-chance-rs;
Those we grudgingly call “gifted.”
Those who tarry; burdens lifted
By the tears released on cheek.
We dare to call these people weak.
We envy them but love them truly;
Those the world has deemed unruly;
Men of passion; wives of heart,
None can keep these souls apart...
Not even their own other-selves;
Imps who live where no-one delves,
Seeking to unquell the calm
With dreaded rot beneath the balm.
We, the rocks; the dumb; the blind,
Are tethered to the reason ’hind.
Be there answer, we shall seek it.
Be there interest, we shall peak it.
Be there cause to roll in dirt;
To twirl around in silken skirt;
To shock the world and make it cry;
We will be there, asking “why?”
The highest highs,
All comes to an end
In an instant.
The rushing roars
Of a crowd
Into a single whisper.
Oh so silently,
"Did you hear what they did?"
"They took advantage..."
"They messed up..."
"They no longer matter..."
There is a saying:
Everything that goes up,
The world decided,
It was your turn