Just hold onto those happy thoughts hun
And don't let go
lest all the wild things
we've kept dark at home
will take mold
and grow blinding cotton fields
only the teeth of our guillotines can sow
can you see?
within their matted fur?
now shone by that old cold sun?
oh! how it lights up those
sleepy stars like slitted eyes
in some forever jungle hummed
as part of a daydream
or a river-
a river that rages on
towards that flat line
seen by glassy eyes
not knowing why...
only a pearl of an inkling
that it came from the pain
we had both felt
once we left each other's chests bare
not knowing our fangs were the only things
that plugged the holes we made
before we had met
or at best the string that could've held
the creeks of our palms
twined, tangled, and signed
like the shower tiles for our hair
maybe in another life
the ink never runs thin
and rages on
to blot out that old cold sun
there, we can let them roam and graze
with eyes open
while our lips sink deeper and deeper
into each other, until calling our names
echo hymns we forgot
were a part of someone else's dream
assuring us that the only thing
which shades the contours of our faces
are dancing fireflies
from those thoughts
we promised each other
to never let go of
June 28, 2022 12:21PM
how you are
as I crane my neck up
towards the stars
like antennas blinking red lights
and there, blinking back at me,
is that bright blue one
you had pointed out
with those frail fingers of yours
calloused and shelled
from tours done by the hands of stick insects
around, around, around
circling tree rings
molded fit for our necks to look out from
slowly dyeing our skin lavender
and windpipes rose
from some slow swan song
am I still in your mind?
a razored sliver hanging off burnt ends
of nerves, slowly being whisked away
by the fanged winds you carry
there in your chest and then in our bed,
until embers and fireflies
are snuffed out, asundered
or is there nothing there anymore?
just the charred remains
camoed in the lightless place
we stuff behind closed eyelids
May 9, 2022 10:04PM
I asked if I can kiss you & you asked
oh my little heart skipped a tiny beat
as that query curved down & skipped
to the very end
of your dirt blonde hair
without pause I said "your cheeks"
like it was stupid to even think
I'd say your lips
but I wanted to,
the cliff just seemed
nowadays I forget we don't talk anymore
even in my head or in the shower
yes a flicker would burn silently at times
there behind clouds of sheep
yet that face halved by an amber lamp
blurs the same way as my first ever dream
maybe its the brain steering my sails
away from an ancient pain
able to tame a sun's shin
by shelfing you at some sacred place
where wool warms & dampens
your baritoned hymns
or maybe I've wrecked already
stranded beneath starving waters
whose fangs had soaked the tears
so all I'm left with
is the beauty of the sun from under here
how it doesn't hurt to stare anymore
April 22, 8:05AM
I stick my tongue out
to let your shadow kiss
but a paltry taste of what
I thought would numb my knees
from the pain
I felt would give me bliss
if I just stuck it out
and held my lips
clamped, remind myself of our good times
during the bad ones
and how you were always there
whenever you weren't
or whatever we should've held
close to our chest
yet our mouths betrayed
and the dams buckled
but they didn't break nor bend
just forked little rivers and little lakes
for our chimps and turtles
to live in
or whatever we should've said
instead of the silence
that ferries dead words 'cross the styx,
saying "we could've built something else here"
something whose shadow
is thick and strong and black as onyx
making itself known into the skin of the earth
branding "I am all that will ever will be forever and ever amen"
and by god I'm not making any sense
anymore, just following that tug
that leads me, incessantly, knowing
I don't know where I'm going
I play the script
and paint over this mold
with peacock green
a sheen only fitting
the cotton bloom
that can give one pause
because it looms in some forgotten corner
you thought it never could
and hang myself in my head
the way normal people do
April 14, 2022 1:10PM
i force myself to brush my teeth
just so i don't forget my face in the mirror
tell myself "yes this is who I'll be today - this is who I am"
and wash off this cocoon that swallows my head
like they say
sweet is the crown that wears this cotton candy head
or is it the other way around?
or is something else wrong?
the questions stir
something I don't fully like
snaking a pit there
the size of a star
right below where my stomach
sends its busy work,
this pin-sized star's
not too big to make me bleed
but small enough that fields of apple trees
can cover up all the blood
from just a single seed
it threatens to grow and mold
yet never does
just there, ever static, ever dull
in disbelief, I finish off while pissing
foam spit drowned in yellow
I stare, pulled by my river, forgetting
what someone who was close to me
from another life
told me this morning
April 6, 2022 11:52AM
how do you remember
the moment you've started forgetting?
just woke up
and the rearview mirror's broke
crossed state lines but you don't even
know where you came from
you've popped out of nowhere dear
all you are is now, blinking in and out
with your eye floaters the fishes of a dead sea
bloated and depressed like a memory foam headrest
that this place, the wind here only blows
for your trail, not you
not for the sweat dragging their nails
'cross your nape
but for the hair that dies on checkered linoleum
and hanged nails cut down from half-moons
march 25, 2022 9:48PM
nails tap and scrape against
my phone screen
this Moses parting the white sea
his credit card staff
rap against the L.E.D.
*rap* *rap* *rap*
in 4/4, no swing, lost all of her luster
just the powdery taste of lustral and mother
they never had the paint we have to paint with
bad it all was back then
good I've had it since sun down
good it'll be till the next dawn
if I just chose to feel the warmth of that break
and not the cold at the back of my arms
I know ma
but these tiny lungs have been swept
from its feet
up to my throat
and every breath closes the gap
between the burn on the skin
and that fire it gave itself to
winter cleaning 1
Sometimes I get stuck in this waking coma. Or choose to at least. Prolonged days of passivity. Glue my eyes onto the computer screen and not even pay any attention to what's happening. Whatever video's playing is a wall for me, so that I can live in my head. Wall of a house, a castle, a whatever. Looks impenetrable but really it's just
white noise like a fog which comfortably blankets my daydreaming.
Hard to talk about it. Feels mad. Unreal. Brain rationalizes it somehow, and enough days of that, the rationalizations doesn't seem like rationalizations. Just that it was always the way it is. Your true self. This is it.
I get scared when I'm doing good. These brief moments of clarity. And it's the only way I can talk about it now really.
Trying to pinpoint why I'm afraid of these good days.
It's the fall really. Push the rock up so far. The fall's inevitable, it's going to happen, you can't stop it. Then you sink back.
The amount of times I've tried and failed and tried again. To stay here in these moments of clarity. God, it's a lot.
Earlier, I looked at my flower-patterned blanket hanging off the railing. Just stared at it. The side I was looking at was shadowed. A thought creeped up. That this wasn't going to last.
Nothing really does. I get sad when I'm happy because I know it'll end. I don't like my birthday cause when you're going to bed, you don't want to let go. This special day. But still you move on. And the day after, nothing really changes.
I stopped counting when I turned 21. My brain takes a second to remember I'm 22. I'm 22.
Trying not to think too hard about things anymore. Trying to let go more often.
I remember in those moments of happiness, with friends or family. I'd burn the image in my head. Like in a video call with my parents. I'd focus intensely. Taking a picture of every wrinkle and every white hair and every crease of what makes my dad my dad. Cause I know one day, he won't be here anymore. Appreciating what I have now, all I can do really.
The funny thing is, when I look back at those images I branded on my skull in the future, it'd feel like a dream. My brain would've added some extra details or took some away. But the feeling would still be there I reckon. A sliver at least.
this little hornet
this little hornet
wriggling in-between the grooves
of my brain
with wings fluttering
and i can feel
its little legs
and its hair
and its mouth
and its eyes
brushing against it all
against me all
again, again, again, again, again, again
again, again, again, again, again, and again
ferries me to this island
carpeted in a fog
thick you'd forget your face
and your legs
even if your fingers traced the contours
on the air
and at some point
running's the same as walking
sitting's the same as standing
crying's the same as laughing
and that roar
a God's roar
a Hell's roar
a Child's, a Dust's, a Star's, a Throat's,
you don't even know if either you
or that little, tiny
1.) The Powers that B - Death Grips [rape, experimental] (pretty much all of their discography)
First time I listened to Death Grips was the track Guillotine from Exmilitary when I was 16 or 17. I remember hating it, thinking it was just noise. It was nauseating at the time. Now they're literally my favorite band, and their discography's timeless - I can listen to Exmilitary and think it was dropped yesterday.
Don't know what happened when I went to college. I think I got burnt out from listening to the same stuff over and over again so somehow Death Grips smashed all of that and clicked for me. Either that or it's stockholm syndrome where I forced my brain to dig the shouting and the production that likens beating your head in with a hammer.
Favorite track off of this double album's On Gp. Helped me through my first year of winter in China. Just did mushrooms for the first time then and it kind of sent me into a depressive episode so the track means a lot to me.
I suggest reading the lyrics if you're listening.
"All the nights I don't die for you
Wouldn't believe how many nights I ain't died for you
Not that I care, I'd be a liar
If I sat here claiming I'd exit in a minute
But I can't say I wouldn't, I have my limit
All the nights I don't die"
2.) A Long Drive... - Modest Mouse [alternative]
Never got into Modest Mouse until when I was 20 or something. Always knew about them growing up but it was only from the song Float On which I had always mistaken for Franz Ferdinand's Take me Out. A close friend of mine who's a huge Modest Mouse fan made it click for me.
A lot of memories are bundled up in this album, most of them hazy, shades of gray. Favorite track's Talking Shit about a Pretty Sunset. My friend and I were on acid while we listened to it as we watched the sun rise on his birthday. Good word play and melancholic compositions, it's a band that definitely counts as one of my influences in terms of music and writing.
"Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
Changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself"
3.) The Microphones in 2020 - The Microphones [indie]
This one's a record that clicked only recently. I've listened to it when it came out and wasn't too enthralled by it. Then I listened to it after I broke my leg about a year ago, was kind of the only companion I had throughout the whole ordeal. I remember putting it on on a car ride to the hospital to get an x-ray, we turned into a roundabout and it felt like life didn't feel real. Maybe it was just gravity being weird in roundabouts, I don't know. But at the time the trees that were bending from the wind and the buildings looked like miniatures or a caricature of a city.
After that, I started to dig deep into Elvrum's discography. The Glow Pt.2, It was hot we stayed in the water, Mount Eerie. This DIY aesthetic he has and the raw, unfiltered lyrics resonates with me.
I would drive out to the ocean and not tell anybody
I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in a dollar theatre in Aberdeen
It was a rainy matinée, 2001, Sunday, March 18th
And in the parking lot afterward
For a few minutes in the rain
I stood glowing with ideas
Of what I might try to convey with this music
At that moment, my mind flashing like a blade
4.) Slow Riot for New Zero Kanada - Godspeed You! Black Emperor [post-rock]
So Godspeed You! Black Emperor used to be the first one on the list when I was younger. They showed me that music doesn't have boundaries and you can make of it what you will which blew my mind as a kid. To have these 20 minute slow, lumbering songs that end in a crescendo was new to me at the time. They went further down the list but they still have a place in me.
Without lyrics but through field recordings and orchestra-like performances, they show rage and dissatisfaction on how the world's ran, with glimmers of hope sprinkled in here and there.
5.) You Won't Get What You Want - Daughters [noise rock]
It's a lot. You get two breathers throughout the album, Less Sex and Daughter, the rest is like having a knife stab your ear drums over and over again. I've always described it as a horror movie when talking about it mostly because of how the guitar parallels the sound effect off of the Psycho shower scene.
Favorite track is the closer Guest House. The end of the song feels like the sun came up after a night of primal rage.
I have come from the distance
Where you can't see
It is there, believe me
Now let me in
Let me in
Let me in
6.) Purple Mountains - Purple Mountains [country, indie rock]
This one's pretty out of place. Never was into country but the cheery instrumentals contrasted by the depressing as hell lyrics really grabbed my ear on the first listen. Added to that's the catchy hooks and goddamn do they get stuck in your head. Favorite track is either "All my Happiness is Gone" or "I Loved being my Mother's Son"
Guess this went on here cause the lyrics really meant a lot to me, and the closer "Maybe I'm the Only One for Me" gave me this glimmer of hope for Bergman that was very much dashed away when he committed suicide about a month after he dropped the album. I don't listen to it often, only when I'm drunk, but I don't drink anymore either.
"Mounting mileage on the dash
Double darkness falling fast
I keep stressing, pressing on
Way deep down at some substratum
Feels like something really wrong has happened
And I confess I'm barely hanging on"
7.) Visions of Bodies Being Burned - clipping. [rap, experimental]
I like rap but I rarely listen to them in an album sort of way, just singles and a few tracks here and there. This album was an outlier though. Daveed's headbobbing flow whizzes through and bounces over horrifying ambient productions and fresh, boundary pushing instrumentals. The previous album There Existed an Addiction to Blood had the track Run for Your Life where the main beat was being played out of a car that would drive by at different points of the song, matching Daveed's flow at the same time. It's insane. And cool as hell.
Favorite track's Enlacing. Drug hazed and an absolute banger.
"Your body is a drug you love, you crush
Make the most of magic, map the math of it
Master mouthpiece and extract the past from it
Plummet, plumb it, plum pit, fruit
Summit, some shit, sunk ship, loot
Loop, feedback, look, see that
Bloody sack, you used to be that"
8.) Lost and Safe - The Books [folktronical, post rock]
Melodic and calming, this was an album I'd always put on during acid trips. Helped me calm down during tense moments. The production's very intimate like they're tickling your ears or they're there performing in the same room as you. Favorite track is Smells like Content, can't even count the amount of times this song anchored me.
"Most of all the world is a place
Where parts of wholes are described
Within an overarching paradigm of clarity
The context of which makes possible
An underlying sense of the way it all fits together
Despite our collective tendency not to conceive of it as such"
9.) songs - Adrianne Lenker [acoustic]
This one's recent as well. Was one of the records that inspired me to play guitar and write songs. Very beautiful and comfy, reminds me of when my friend would play guitar on the balcony as the sun started to set. Can't really pick a favorite on here, each one of them stand out on their own but forwards beckon rebound shows off some of Lenker's best lyricism and god her voice is like ginger tea with some honey.
Rise like a full moon
Show me pictures that hang in your house
Pictures that hang in your mouth
Crosses and fishnecks
I have nothing to pray to you now
Nothing to pray to you now
10.) Shukusai - Ayano Kaneko
A Japanese record that really encapsulates the whole start of the 2020 quarantine. My housemate (the one that got me into modest mouse) and I would just put this album on repeat. We were pretty much drunk the whole time and on the verge of losing our minds because one of our friends went missing at the same time as the quarantine started but this album kept us up and going.
Groovy, catchy, a ray of sun during winter. I'll always keep this with me.
Favorite track's the closer.
Spiderland - Slint
Maggot Brain - Funkadelic
Infest the Rat's Nest - King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard
The Seer - Swans
Drukqs - Aphex Twin