1. Unemployed treehouse architect and amateur comedian

2. Toothless southern troubadour/roofer with a drug problem

3. Troubled Seattle poet who could drink his weight in Evan Williams

4. Extra large Italian laborer with Tony Soprano aspirations

5. Pint sized pseudo anarchist/lothario with a penchant for spousal abuse

6. Globe-trekking foppish Australian with near crippling ADHD

7. Insecure bike messenger who ghosted me after I saw his micro penis

8. Tax-avoiding Israeli who hated America but really loved her women

9. Towering blond lawyer with a love of the Beach Boys and being creepy

10. Honorable mention: guy who drunkenly peed on my floor, so I sold his Dreamcast for $50 to get some extra beer money

On days like today, I have to remind myself I'm not a neurosurgeon. I don't work at a nuclear power plant. I don't drive an ambulance.

I'm a content writer who creates clickbait articles on what type of pasta you'd be based on your personality. Accordingly, the level of panic I feel right now is unwarranted for the task at hand.

Greetings. Howard Alexander Roark here. Charmed.

A little about me. I stand 6'3" in bare feet. My eyes are a piercing cerulean shade of blue. My steely reserve is often mistaken for smugness or conceit, which it may well be. I intend to move the earth itself with my innovative designs of a vague nature. I am the golden god you've been waiting for to accompany you to Joker: Folie a Deux and then perhaps a late dinner.

What I’m doing with my life:

Calming hysterical ladies with my penis; making lesser men feel inadequate; designing unique and innovative structures that cause anger and confusion. 

I’m really good at:

Is this a trick question?

The first things people usually notice about me:

My aforementioned large stature; my innovative designs; my shocking orange hair; my dislike of consent.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

I don’t really have time for such plebeian pleasures. I prefer a glass of Cognac and a partially willing lady in my lap.

The six things I could never do without:

Cognac

Ladies

My penis pump

Valtrex script

A vaguely Semitic foil

T-square

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Innovative building designs, like putting a slide in a cracker factory. Ladies’ rumps, as long as they are alabaster and tight like a drum.

On a typical Friday night I am:

Standing at a bar looking suave; giving a lady the best thirty seconds of her life.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I’m a bed wetter.

I’m looking for:

An alabaster skinned free market goddess with the morals of a fruit fly and a publishing deal.

You should message me if:

You want to be mistreated by a handsome, dashing, devil-may-care architect. You don’t mind the hour of penis pumping it takes for me to reach full capacity.