As the summer transitions in to the cold, so does our hearts the strings once attached one by one becoming brittle from the lack of warmth we use to have. The passion dying, eyes aren’t aligning, the way you coldly leave me in the dark as the sun comes down faster and faster. The distance is killing me. The unknown for tomorrow and knowing only severed strings are what to come breaks me at the thought of it. I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel broken. The worst part of it is you don’t seem to care. Not for some time that is.. so I’ll write and write my pains and experiences here in hope one day you’ll understand. But I know you won’t. This is a new kind of despair one told me about. My only experience is when my parents were absent most my childhood. So maybe it’s a familiar kind of pain just in a new form of someone I love.

my soul tied in a knot to the tail of your ghost, slowly drifting and fading like our Past. Every so often I can feel my soul tugging on my heart south where you are. How I wish I could pull your sheet to me back in my arms. But it seems your soul has sever its connection. now all the remains are lost memories that only seem to be within my own heart and mind. Playing on repeat over and over again, how I wish I could make more. The only true connection left is the Moon, in hopes we share the same glimpse at the same time otherwise it’s just my soul strung out over the west coast. If for a moment I would die happy and give everything just for one more glance into your gorgeous eyes. There’s a terrible longing in my soul to make right for what a young naive dumb boy threw away.. the Love of his life. So I’ll just remain north in colder waters in hopes to share a glance of the moon we used to share.

As I hug this bottle of bourbon to nurse the heartache inside my chest, you’re out there with someone having me worried. Deceit within my head I can’t help but to feel my guts are pouring out upon my lap. I’ll take another sip. I’ve had suspicions of this ghost for some time but to confirm it I had to go to your place of work to be informed you weren’t there. Thoughts haunted me right then and there, it’s a familiar feeling of pain. I know you’re with another, no proof but call it a guy feeling.

Is it true you’re doing well in the midst of your mid twenties, is life all its been cracked up to be in the success of the fruits of your labor? Are you struggling? Are you thriving? I assume the latter of the two which I hope is true. To know one of us made it out and to see you thrive if life for one of us were to succeed I’ll play my role in the failure, the villain on the dry destroyed field on my side. While I try to peek in. While I can’t I’ll use the last of the supplies that were left like a memory and read the receipts from our history. Will not lie I’m struggling through And through, wishing to be on your greener fields to thrive with you.. but I can’t. Instead I’ll listen for the echos of your joy and the love radiating through the hedge that divide us. While your grass is greener on the other side I’ll keep rooting for you to thrive. for that sadly brings me enough to keep on trying.

Every day is starting to blend into one. The nights are spent tirelessly as I can’t fall asleep. Insomnia is a hell of is disease on top of the frustrations of failures and getting no where. I see her and the others and I’m tired of what I see. The he constant comparison the “good ol days” and I’m a wreck. as I see their sails on the sunset coast going in their main voyage I’m stuck here in the bay sinking deep. This life is a toxicity and I can’t help but to feel trapped within my own wreckage. unknowing of what to do next. So I swim as hard as I can with my ship tied to my legs in hopes of reaching the sunset. For more day in hopes of relief. I am my own captain of this ship and I choose to sink and attempt to swim. I’m tirelessly watching as sun the sun passes with the moon. I’m downing in my own sins.

I have my mother's rage,

and my father's ability to walk away. this, I've learned,

is a very lonely combination.

her eyes and his face. Her hands but thicker, the wrinkles on his head and the same grin as hers. The way he stood in silence in the midst of demons and her negligent walk. Their addiction, his depression, with her anxiety. The internal battle of her unfairness and his shortcomings.

the lover he strived to be, and the go getter she sought to show me.

failure of failures.

I am the product of who should have never met.

The sweet sadism of falling for pain, Is something I no longer long to comprehend, Man loves his own tears, More than his own smile,

For I saw many a man live and breathe with the knives that they had in their backs

and the knives they had in their hands,

They all whispered to the blade quietly and painfully -

"Do not go,

For even though you‘ve cut me deep, You'll always be my only reminder of home."

As the days grow warmer

I shed my weight in anything remotely good in me.

because it is heavy, causing thirst and hunger amongst these dryer days.

a simple morsel would do, anything from a drop of your blood to the faintest bite of your flesh would fill me for a life time if you ask me.

My body’s already telling me all the signs I need to know that I’m in starvation mode. Craving you, all of you.

im stalking you like prey at this point for any signs of validation that you know I still exist.

you have me locked in this trance without having to do anything. Out of frustration I shed more and more of what’s good in me in hopes i can get your attention.

im malnourished for it has been days, years even since I’d seen your face. And these posts online can only hold me off for what seems like split seconds.

im starting to go into a craze I’ve never experienced.. well since you left me I’m reliving this trauma I need you to talk to me. For I not know what might become of me.

im dying from starvation of your love and acceptance. you play with my heart knowing you see these and follow me. Does he not know ? Our little secret? That we’ve kept minor contact.. I’m in your back pocket? Can I say the same? Knowing you’re pulling all of the strings, my heart strings can’t take it.

what will it take to satiate this thirst, of you love and flesh I’ve desperately been craving.

all I have left are memories like blood on a knife I can’t help but to lick and lick until I’m lifeless.

going into a craze at the taste of blood not knowing it’s become my own, I’m self sabotaging my own life

bleeding out from the heart.

I need guidance because I’m not longer the man in your life who can provide it.

I miss you

I need it.

I crave it

I crave you.

I don’t know where to start this. I’ve got so many thoughts, so many wishes on the subject Even regrets.

so I’ll start here. I’ve known I’ve gone down this cycle many times where I can’t get you out of my head, as of late you’re constantly on my mind to the point where it’s getting in healthy. There’s a breaking point, a climax, and point of no return and it can either end good but most likely down a worse path if I keep pursuing the idea of you seeing, the idea of us being one again.. which I know is impossible..

for me to write and write and pour my soul many times over in hope you see my heart through the screen of your phone but to no luck most times.. I wish you would act on my words so badly most times but I know it won’t happen. when you say you toss and turn knowing I’m in the same town what does it mean? Does it mean you want to see me? Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Did we both make mistakes in choosing our partners? I’m so confused it hurts. I’m spiraling thinking about all these scenarios knowing none will come true. So I need to know from you what I should do? I feel like this weight on my chest grows heavier and heavier each day and it’s taking its toll on my health. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m worried about you daily and I’m worried about me too..

please reach out because I’m afraid I’m at my breaking point where I might cut ties all together.

I hope you really know how much of an influence you’ve had on my life even after you being married. It hurts

so so much. You’re all I think about despite being with another. For when you walked away from e last I spent years looking for love that couldn’t amount to half of you.

im drowning in drowning in drowning.

It’s the moments in spring turning to summer I think of you the most.. the day I met you, to the first time I kissed you and told you I loved you. I saw something today and it resonated with me to my core. It’s kind of sad but bear with me. To this day it’s a harsh and bitter feeling that fills me honestly with dread but the thought of someone else being able to feel that intimacy of the pressure your lips give breaks me. The way your fragile hands felt on the back of my neck, right under my ear. The way you would squeeze me tight when we had to say goodbye. Whether for 5 mins, a day, a week, forever you always gave me that warmth.. and the fact that you get to give it to him every day and night kind of burns. Like touching a hot pan, my head feels like crashing into my calling fan. The thought of you pressing your lips on another man.. fuck it stings.

thats all for today. just me groaning about something that resonated with me and made me realize I can’t ignore what’s real and what won’t heal.

-Love