Dreams of you
Every so often, I dream of you. Sometimes I wake up smiling, sometimes crying. But mostly all of them I end up crying anyway.
I miss how our love used to be. Before the all the mess, the trials, the hurt.
Every so often, I think of you. I wonder what you're doing, what you're thinking, who you're with. Are you outside on your porch? Are you looking out the window? Are you looking at the same moon as I am? Staring into the stars that so resemble your eyes?
Are you driving down the roads we used to drive? Are you smiling? Do you still laugh the same at you do? I miss that- the way your eyes always twinkled when you laughed or smiled.
I hope and pray you are happy. And I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you too.
I wish that in a different life, perhaps- all would be fixed and well. I wonder what my life would be like with you more often than I'd like to admit. Conscious or unconcious- you are with me always. You still haunt me, even in my dreams. You are permanently sealed in my brain, and will be with me the rest of my life. Both the love and the hurt, the pleasure and the pain- you're there. Forever.
My heart is heavy these days. I think of you often. I hope you're happy- that's all I want. I forgive you and I wish you the best in life. I pray to God that you know you are loved. You will always be loved.
beer and a fight
sirens in the night
poverty and crime
poor and doing time
contempt and spite
dry ice and sprite
get out of the way
why would I stay?
He gets things done
Sees and follows
his goals, plans—
and many~ dreams.
inspires me for sure!
most dear friend
who I’ve known for ages.
Him, incredible musician•
artist, unlike any other
knows what he wants,
and I truly admire that.
How have you gone so far?
Yet statyed so close?
Night after night at a bar,
you’re sat ’til dusk,
drinking woes away.
You said together forever,
but why won’t you stay?
This heart of mine is lonely.
So spread out across the state
my heart can’t take it,
and my mind is full of hate
for once because of this.
Once upon a time we were one,
but now a split has come
and my heart is none
without someone like you.
I forgot to tell you
about your appointment on the fifth,
about the leftovers in the fridge,
and the bills yet to be paid.
I forgot to tell you
that the sex was getting stale,
that I’d found a marriage counsellor
and that we should go on holiday.
I even forgot to tell you
that you left your phone at home this morning
and that I was eating breakfast when it buzzed;
that “Lydia xoxo” has a rockin' bod
and that I can see why you like her, spunky as she seems.
I forgot to tell you anything at all—
I was too busy leaving.
you meet her. you meet her
& your heart beats so hard
it breaks on impact.
even knowing her, even
touching her hand, you see the end
coming restlessly like time.
there is so much of you
inside her. what is left if she
takes it & runs?
you envision angels with
their hearts on fire & try to
visualise that pain,
& explain it to her so
she understands, so she knows
how she should stay.
when she finally lets go, you
experience loss you never read about.
so deep it is immeasurable.
grief that cannot be felt,
but only carried.
Sometime In July
I shouted your name
In a fireworks display
I could hear my own heart beat
Dragging my leg
More useless weight
But no one cared to see
You were looking up
For rockets and love
I could tell that you were free
It’s days like this
Oh in these times
That no one cares to be
If we found love
If we called it a life
I’m not sure what’s still clear
I can’t do another night
Dinning under Roman candle light
With a centerpiece
Of freshly cut tears
Staring at my pillow through my blurred vision and my face streaming with endless tears yet again
I think to myself “why do I love somone who just keeps hurting me”?
Why do I keep doing this over and over again? When do I draw the line?
When do I let go of the hope that twists and turns in my heart?
The hope that maybe one day things would be different
Things would be right
But they won’t, they never will
There will always be lies,
There will be pretending, there will be manipulating
There will always be that memory of knowing I wasn’t pretty enough,
I wasn’t fun enough,
or good enough
When he says he loves me
but sneaks around when im not there
Is that love?
Does he love me when he lies?
Does he love me when he is laughing, holding hands with another?
Does he love me when he plays with my mind?
Does he love me when he rips my heart to shreds
You say you have "paid your dues" and apologized to me
Does saying "Sorry" undo what you have done?
Does saying "Sorry" make up for all the times you made me feel worthless?
Does saying "Sorry" justify your unfaithfulness?
Must I forgive you yet again and have the same thing happen again?
I may have been niave then, but I can see right through that act you put on
Stop pretending..please...let my torture end
Where you pretend to be passionately in love with me
And as soon as I look away you've got another
It's just a game to you, isnt it?
All the world is your stage
And you string on hearts like puppets
Do you really know what love is?
Do you Really know?
I dont think you understand at all
All I've ever done was love you
And all you've ever done was hurt me
You dont hurt the people you love
All this time I didn’t know...
You once told me that “we are one”
I didn’t believe you at all.
It has always been “work for everything and it’ll be yours.”
Don’t except gifts because they aren’t free.
Don’t expect to get things to get handed to you so easily. Always expect an ulterior motive behind a gift.
Learned behavior from my parents that’s what I’ll call it.
In and out of divorce I watch these people love and fall out of it.
Stability and structure is what I lacked growing up.
But now I have you I’ve realized that I have something so special.
Before I didn’t understand you every time you told me we are one.
Every time you told me “we are one” I wanted to run, I was afraid of what my parent’s had experienced once.
Until now I get it. You have shown me something I’ve never had or witnessed.
We are one.
I believe you now.
We are better together than apart.
We both bring out better versions of ourselves.
How everything I have is yours and how everything you have is mine. Loving you has shown me love in a different way. Loving you has shown me that my future doesn’t have to be similar to my parents. Loving you has shown me that we can do this until the day we die. But also hope that in another life we can do it again because...
We are one and I don’t ever want it any other way.
Why did you like my post?
Why did you hit me up?
Why did you get my attention?
Why did you keep talking to me?
Why did you get closer to me?
Why did you hang out with me?
Why did you go on a date with me?
Why did you become my first valentine?
Why did you kiss me?
Why did you say you love me?
Why did you start texting that other guy?
Why did you start becoming distant?
Why did you start fights with me?
Why did you talk about him?
Why did you say you like him?
Why did you argue when I cried?
Why did you tell your friends I was a stalker?
Why did you tell your mom I tried to get with you?
Why did you block me forever?
Why did you do this to me?
I dont understand why...