Addicted
The dust in my throat clogs
The swallow of spit as I ache
For a slight reprieve of this thirst
The bottle of vodka stares me down
I imagine the trickle of liquid
The sensational burn of inner
Thirst. Quenched.
Make me feel braver.
Prove that I'm stronger.
Erase this anxious creature
Bring back my better half.
Vodka, please.
A Breakfast Poem
We sit here together,
Unaffected by the weather
Which chose to not pamper
Our day with warm loving rays
Blue eyes so bright, quickly closed tight
As my dear young son prays
"Lord help my mom stay"
I open my eyes to a haze
Of unbeckoned tears
I've realized the years
Have emboldened my smart little man
With his unmarr'd worldview
All he knows to be true
Is his mommy improves his days
This trip, a surprise, that brightened his eyes
He is truly so glad that I came.
Of course, I am too
As he is the glue
That binds up the parts of my soul
Which threaten to shatter
Due to all this black matter
That's tainted my grown up world view
I've realized what lies
Beyond the blue skies
Of childhoods ignorant bliss
I wish he could stay
Forever this way
Unmarr'd by the worlds abyss.
Unfortunately I know
That for him to grow
He must endure some pain.
And although I hate it
And wish I could erase it
I know his bright future
Depends on the suture
Of these childhood wounds.
So I take his small hand
And promise I'll stand
Forever and always beside
His small little soul
As he continues to grow
Into his foreordained destiny
It won't be easy I swallow queasy
Feelings of inadequacy and dread.
Such a daunting task
I'm tempted to ask
Someone else to fill my shoes.
But if I've learned just one lesson
It's that history proves
Little boys need their mom.
To kiss on a bruise and aid as they muse
Over why this world is unfair.
I may not have answers for all of the cancers
That threaten my baby's blue skies
So we bow in prayer
And send words through the air
I promise him no more lies
When I don't have answers
And can't produce dancers
To brighten a cloudy grey day
I'll tell him the truth
Regardless of youth
And hold his hand steady to pray
"Lord I am grateful
For this big plateful
Of blessings you've brought my way
But I cannot pretend
That I can just blend
All this together and say
Thank you all right away.
I might have some questions
Regarding the digestions
Of dishes served on my plate
Excuse all the trouble
But my belly's in bubbles
I thought the reviews said you're great."
Out of the silence
With no hint of violence
My dear God proceeded to say
"Don't question my talent,
You chose your own fate.
You picked off the menu
What you just ate."
"Yes, ok fine, that choice was mine
But I asked for blue skies, not grey
That wasn't my choice!"
As I raised my voice
Indignant, "god what do you say?"
Instead of a fuss, he said
"Child, just trust
And open those pretty blue eyes.
Who cares if it's grey
You're here now to stay
For a time with your life's greatest prize
You have a purpose
This wasn't just chance
Don't question my judgement
There is no happenstance."
I open my eyes and gaze at the prize
That has been entrusted to me.
I know I could spend
Countless days on end
Asking him what he was thinking.
But the decisions been made
And surely I've prayed
To be in this moment with him
Those big bright blue eyes
His miniature size
My child, his heart is my home.
As we walk to the house,
I'm quiet as a mouse
Only answering his continual chatter.
The grey skies don't matter
And though I would rather
The yellow warm rays of the sun
My heart is so full
As I feel my son pull
Me along the street to his home.
His hand in mine
No regard to the time
Just enjoying our moments together.
30 lightyears
“She shines like a star
And like a star sheʼs far away."
The lines you wrote echo
In my mind as the tears
Leave salty stains on my face
I canʼt help but wish
I could take your place
The song you wrote for me
Captured our essence uniquely
Somehow now you're the star
Shining, beckoning, beaming
If only it werenʼt so far
Today is the first of December
The day I'll always remember
As the beginning of your cycle
Burning with thirst and passion
So bright you burst into particles
I look to the sky almost expecting
A rain of ashes signifying your demise
But the grey bellies of the clouds keep
Your soul from dispersion and
I know you are held in quiet sleep
Like the star you saw in me
So I will ever keep you in my heart
As you orbit 30 lightyears away.
"He shined like a star.
And like the stars, heʼs far away.”
Hieroglyph
I got your message today.
So cleverly painted.
You placed it in orbit
Today it just landed.
The layers of meaning
Continue to unravel.
Based in anguishing truths
I yearn for a chance to hovel.
Like the hieroglyphs of Egypt
So our story is set on a canvas
Of blindly illicit love, sex, magic.
How fittingly perfect the end so tragic.
No longer can I waiver
The time has come to be.
I'm finally ready
To be with just me.
I thank you for the lessons.
God bless your dear wise soul.
I hope she keeps you happy
May your belly always be full.
Snuggling with Snakes
A long hiss in my ear followed by the silence of inhalation followed by another seemingly endless exhale on my neck. As the breath is expelled my friend pauses before I feel the shift of his ribs, expanding to increase his air intake.
The first time his breath touched me it tickled. The hiss of releasing air sped my heart rate and all of a sudden I'm wondering if snakes hiss before they strike like cats do. For what feels like twenty seconds it's all I can think and all I can do to lie still and stay calm. It was on the second inhale when I felt his body adjust to increase intake, I realized this boa was far from strike mode. He was basking in my warmth, tucked between my legs, under the small of my back, wound over my warm pit, the snake was snuggling me.
May I be held in loving kindness.
On the third exhale I heard the message.
Just breathe. Slow down and breathe. Breath is all there is.
Fitting message from a constrictor.
Holding him in my arms felt awkward when I allowed my intellect to try to figure out how it would all go. Was he slimy? Would he slip? 70lbs is a LOT for my small frame. We had a tiff. He started to slip and I started to freak and we needed an intervention. Then I remembered his reactivity level was based on his foundation. In this case, I was his foundation. The second I wavered, the second my heart started pulsating, he knew. Of course he began to fall as I began to follow the rabbit down into the abyss of seeking to control that which is beyond me.
The second time we settled in as a unit instead of two separate beings. He anchored himself against my curves, rendering his 70lbs almost weightless. We posed together in silent camaraderie - it is arguable that he held me just as much as I held him.
He didn't move much. Once he was comfortable, he seemed to only move out of boredom. Sometimes he reacted to the placement of my hands but generally he was content. However, If snakes have personalities. This one is a dirty old man. At some point I felt him wrap his tail around my waist. Instead of visions of strangulation, I felt oddly relieved by the weight of his body and the strength of the muscles I could feel moving against my skin.
He liked my skin too. Once his tail was wrapped around my waist it wasn't long before I felt a little poke coming through. He slid his way under my bodysuit and sent his tail up across my abdomen. At least he was a gentleman. He could've gone south.
As his owner began to unwind him, I sensed his reluctance to go, gripping the soft warmth of my body, digging in to avoid being displaced. I felt a void immediately once his presence departed. As if I had lost an anchor myself.
Snuggling with Snakes
A long hiss in my ear followed by the silence of inhalation followed by another seemingly endless exhale on my neck. As the breath is expelled my friend pauses before I feel the shift of his ribs, expanding to increase his air intake.
The first time his breath touched me it tickled. The hiss of releasing air sped my heart rate and all of a sudden I'm wondering if snakes hiss before they strike like cats do. For what feels like twenty seconds it's all I can think and all I can do to lie still and stay calm. It was on the second inhale when I felt his body adjust to increase intake, I realized this boa was far from strike mode. He was basking in my warmth, tucked between my legs, under the small of my back, wound over my warm pit, the snake was snuggling me.
May I be held in loving kindness.
On the third exhale I heard the message.
Just breathe. Slow down and breathe. Breath is all there is.
Fitting message from a constrictor.
Holding him in my arms felt awkward when I allowed my intellect to try to figure out how it would all go. Was he slimy? Would he slip? 70lbs is a LOT for my small frame. We had a tiff. He started to slip and I started to freak and we needed an intervention. Then I remembered his reactivity level was based on his foundation. In this case, I was his foundation. The second I wavered, the second my heart started pulsating, he knew. Of course he began to fall as I began to follow the rabbit down into the abyss of seeking to control that which is beyond me.
The second time we settled in as a unit instead of two separate beings. He anchored himself against my curves, rendering his 70lbs almost weightless. We posed together in silent camaraderie - it is arguable that he held me just as much as I held him.
He didn't move much. Once he was comfortable, he seemed to only move out of boredom. Sometimes he reacted to the placement of my hands but generally he was content. However, If snakes have personalities. This one is a dirty old man. At some point I felt him wrap his tail around my waist. Instead of visions of strangulation, I felt oddly relieved by the weight of his body and the strength of the muscles I could feel moving against my skin.
He liked my skin too. Once his tail was wrapped around my waist it wasn't long before I felt a little poke coming through. He slid his way under my bodysuit and sent his tail up across my abdomen. At least he was a gentleman. He could've gone south.
As his owner began to unwind him, I sensed his reluctance to go, gripping the soft warmth of my body, digging in to avoid being displaced. I felt a void immediately once his presence departed. As if I had lost an anchor myself.
