Is this me
Is this me?
This pills, these diagnoses
Is this me?
This scale, the numbers I read
Is this me?
My blonde hair, blue eyes, and Eurocentric beauty
Is this me?
My quirks, personality
What defines a human
Can't even be humanity
For what we've learned through war is
That word doesn't mean what we meant it to mean
How do I describe myself
On applications to set me free
Three lonely words, lonely together
Even on my writers biography
A word count is me
The limit is me
For I don't have to reach it
To be enough
Carnival Glosolalia
I don’t have the best reputation with working. Or that's to say, it wasn't always bad. I’ve never had a capital J “job” but what work I have done has been tough. Especially with my ever so unstable mental health. Anxiety can make work impossible, or, at least, a million times worse.
You may have heard of dog shows, but its opposite exists as well; cat shows. During that show, cat owners bring their purebred cats to be judged along side other cats of the same breed. There are usually ten “rings” with ten cages where all the cats are rotated out to be judged. When a cat leaves a cage, a steward cleans it, and that's what I did.
Rewind to about September of last year, unsuspecting me was going to a cat show with my family. I thought it was going to be just another cat show; be bored and wash cages for seven hours each day and get fifty bucks. I was listening to a new song called “Star of the Show” on repeat. I was enjoying the circus-y atmosphere of it as we arrived at the show.
Everything was fine at first, but then I got sleepy. As I was nodding off there was a thought that kept lapping at my feet, I can't let anyone down. If I didn't get to the cage the clerk (the person who writes down and organize the judges results) would have to clean it. That's bad. It's bad it echoed, its bad its bad I can't let that happen it's bad. The thought that was lapping at my feet was now drowning me and I went into a delusional overdrive. Anxiety tends to do that.
Suddenly I was an acrobat in a circus who couldn’t disappoint the audience. I kept mouthing words that weren't even words but speaking in tongues. A carnival glossolalia. Disjointed phrases about popcorn and lion tamers. My body was buzzing, my head was waterlogged, and my eyes were darting. All to appease some imagined audience.
I somehow managed to get myself to the bathroom and attempt to calm down. I still couldn't shake the delusion. It was stuck to me like some insanity inducing love bug. I knew what was wrong, and I knew I needed to fix it, but my mind remained on the tightrope. I kept repeating over and over that I needed to get out of the circus. I tried breathing exercises. In… and then out, in… and then out. In with the air, out with the circus. In with the oxygen, out with the delusion.
Still buzzing but a bit more stable, I made my way to the show manager and said I needed to stop stewarding. She understood. I made my way back to where my parents were stationed and cried. I let them down. I shoved work onto other that should have been done my me. But at least I was out of the circus.
So, now you’ve had a glimpse into my reality. I haven’t stewarded since for fear of a similar episode. I hope any capital J “job” I eventually get won't be as bad. It might be impossible, or at least a million times worse, but I hope it's neither.
Night Court vs the Classroom
I spent a few evenings witnessing the comings and goings of night court and I smell a contridiction.
In a court of law, I hear judge after judge tell each defendant that, "ignorance of the law is no excuse". Citizens are required to know each and every law and stand ready to defend themselves against all charges, all without training.
In every class I have ever taught (high school, college, adult learning), the initial premise begins with the students knowing nothing. The onus of knowledge transfer falls solely upon the instructor. If the student will not learn, fails to learn, or fights against learning, I have to develop individual educational plans, attend professional development seminars, and create a syllabus that addresses the student's needs.
Permit me to recap.
In the court room, a defendant stands alone in front of the law, in front of people who are experts in the law. The defendant pays for their ignorance with fines and jail time should they not possess all prerequisite knowledge.
In the classroom, a student stands in the class in front of people who are experts in their subject. The student pays for their ignorance with review, extra instruction, sympathy, and empathy.
When I encounter an ignorant person, I do not fine or imprison them.
When I encounter an ignorant person, I cure them.
A Difference of Perspectives
“Well that’s pretty obvious: it was the adventure of it. As Dr. George Mallory put it in regards to Mount Everest on old Earth: because it was there. Our ancestors had an opportunity to see the stars and so they did.”
“That’s not true. They left because they had to. The oceans were acidified, the atmosphere was getting too hot for comfortable habitation, populations were out of control, resources of all kinds were starting to run into the scarcity wall – need I go on?”
“You’re such a pessimist, Cyn. Humanity had been looking at Earth’s moon since they could look up to the stars. The desire to leave Earth was always present.”
“That’s true enough, Bright. Yet they left out of necessity. None of those billions of mongrels actually got up off their asses to explore a new solar system – or even a new planet in person – until their backs were up against it. With no choice left the evacuations then started.”
“Come now! The ancient combustion rocket-engine craft were exploring the moon and sent their probes to Mars. More than a hundred years before the evacuations the Deep Black and Yuǎn de Jiàn Tóu probes with the Shen-Fukawa FTL drives were exploring the closest star systems to Earth. Why? Because they could. It was an adventure. The same adventurous spirit which caused ancient Chinese to set sail to distant lands, the American pioneers to conquer their wilderness, and hundreds of early astronauts to reach up to ‘touch the face of God’ as they said.”
“Psh! Nonsense. The evacuations were a necessary act! We’ve been over this! The irradiated landscapes made an impossible task out of feeding so many people, renewable energies proved not to be the magical cure-all to the world’s energy crisis, and regional strife from ineffective governance pitted the best minds of humanity against one another. Those who didn’t kill each other had enough good sense to cooperate long enough to get themselves to safety. With that action the colonies were born.”
“Now who’s not telling the truth, Cyn? If that was the case: why were Rigel and Axis and Wangxia founded? Those were done long before the evacuations. I say it was because of the opportunity to explore. The human heart has always desired this, as my aforementioned examples prove.”
“Bright, you frustrate me… I can’t deny that truth. Perhaps the reason our ancestors left Earth was for multiple reasons, then.”
“I suppose I can agree to that notion. Humanity has rarely ever done anything for one reason alone.”
“Good then that's settled. However, as we sit here in orbit above this long-abandoned, poisonous mud ball I have to wonder: why did we come back?”