3 reasons my cat may be a CIA agent:

- He watches me as I sleep

- Every time I consider journalism he glares at me till I stop

- I'm pretty sure he staged a coup to have the landlord's cat go missing so he's the only cat in the apartment building

3 reasons the aliens left without bothering:

-They arrived in Florida first

-Some dude showed them Twitter as a way to understand the human race

-Another dude explained the de-yassification of the green M&M and its controversy with pictures

3 reasons the FDA approves of alcohol/nicotine:

-It's the only way some of them cope with the vile creations people try to sell to the public

-It can be beneficial in reasonable quantities

-No seriously you guys someone tried to submit a dry jerky made of squirrel tail. When that got brought into the office, 4 guys went straight to a bar, 2 went to the roof for a smoke, and 3 skipped all those and just went straight to an AA meeting.

3 excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing:

-Hey Boss I'm feeling quite down today, I think I Cod really use a pick me up. I know I was meant to be handling the morning shift (Hali)-but I really don't think I could make it.

-Yeah no seriously boss, I was just telling this green looking dude about the M&M thing and he just started running and took my roof with him

-You give me the day off and that'll be the end of it. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. Wait what do you mean fired? I mean I'll take it but wow, talk about an overreaction.

Wait… what is that hiding in the corner?

-Dude I'm not hiding from my cat. Yes this is an application to work for the Washington Post. No man, I told you that CIA cat thing was a joke. Wait, where is he?

-I'm actually choosing not to look in that corner. No I didn't know the shadows growled when you got close. Huh, hell portal? Nah never considered it. Well no, obviously I'm not going to close it, do you know how much I save on heating every winter?

-I can't articulate my astonishment. How is it that you of all people have first contact with an alien race, and within 15 minutes you have them curled up in a corner. Oh my god is it crying, what did you do? Green M&M? Nope, I don't need to hear anymore. Wait, where's your roof?

...could never illustrate how I feel. I had been woken up to a part of life that was previously unaware to me. And I hated it. I understand not how it happened, only that it did, and things were forever changed. Could you try to understand for a moment? Imagine you wake up tomorrow and something cracks in the recesses of your mind, and after that crack you start noticing things. People you pass on the street seem less real, almost shadows. Buildings you see in the distance seem flat, as if they are just set dressing. And then you start hearing it.

Clack clack clack.

With each of these noises something happens. I get out of bed, I start to get ready for the day, and then I'm on the walk to class. Each time I hear it I want to look around and see where it's coming from. But then I realized, by the time I hear it, it's already been written.

I won't be able to ever find the origin of the noise, because if you're reading this then the story has been complete. I've already done everything I could say or do. All that's left is for you to finish the story. Then I'll be gone. Forever. I asked for your understanding earlier, can I ask for another favor? This last sentence, could you read it slowly, just so I don't have to go so soon?

Three whispered words shatter the atmosphere that had been formed over the past two hours. A social faux pas indeed, but a moral disgrace. His face remains unchanged, even when rows of people gasp and stare at him with a myriad of emotions. Disgust being the prevailing one. The woman at the microphone freezes, hand still outstretched, beckoning the man who had coldly rejected her invitation in front of hundreds. She opens her mouth a few times, words unable to form due shock. The man repeats himself. "No thank you." And then he stands, and leaves his parents' funeral midway.