Enlightened.
A few years ago, I woke up with a feeling I had never experienced before. I was happy and at peace. My heart was racing a million miles a minute, yet, I had never felt more calm.
Slowly, images of my dream flashed into my mind forming a tear that slipped down my cheek and onto my blanket. As I sat still, I held on to things I had seen when I was asleep. In my dream:
I stood on a beach in the south of france at the crack of dawn. A few feet away from the water, my feet were planted on the warm sand that smelled of sweet cinnamon. I bent down to scoop the sand as then let it fall from my finger tips like liquid gold.
I stood back up as I watched the sun rise from the horizon, casting its ember rays onto the water that danced to the elegant melody of the breeze. Tall waves, taller than I, began to gracfully meet the shore. As if the waves were my emotions, they were synced to my breathing. The deeper the breath, the larger the wave. Piercing through the blue glassed water, the sunlight carassed my skin and beckond me closer to the sea. I walked forward till I felt the soft foam reach for me.
Blending into colors I never knew existed, the sky held the sun as I stood frozen and enchnated by the beauty of a moment so precious, I forgot how to breath. Knowing that I had to leave, I stepped into the sea and tilted my head up to witness a wave so great, it challneged to touch the stars.
I spoke of this dream to my mother, but I could not contol the tears that fell so easily.
To this day, I have never seen a sight so memorable of felt such pure bliss as I did in that dream. This place has become my get away, it is a mental escape because the waves have always seemed to help me find my peace.
(with understanding)
The Fates have
favored me
to be born
in the month
of Love
my folks would say
since my birth I
laughed like an adult
(with understanding)
It's life I've loved
love I've lived
and You I'm
laughing with
before the cradle
and the grave
seeking our humane
a smile outstretched
(with understanding)
#autobiographicalpoetry #challenge
<font face="Helvetica" size="3" color="silver">02.07.1980</font>
With scones, clotted cream & curds
She served them tea
In Wegwood cups,
Featuring tantalizing Hibiscus designs.
Stylish angular handles welcomed even stubby thumbs;
Saucers, like deep-blue ponds, encircled each vessel.
In another life,
She’d been quite swanky:
Champagne parties, slinky skirts,
& jingle-jangle jewelry—dangling,
From her thin, pale, elegant neck.
But now,
Her parties were tame:
Small, social, afternoon affairs,
Starring sandwiches, scones, clotted cream & curds.
Chit-chat opened each outing; gossip, each close.
Weariness,
Wearing a drab cloth coat,
Chose to attend this otherwise ordinary day.
Exhaustion & Fatigue tagged along.
Next time they had tea, was at her funeral.
Today, I am Trans
-In sixth grade I cried because I started to develop underarm hair. I shaved it, not knowing you needed shaving cream, and it burned for a week. I haven't loved myself since.
-In seventh grade I told myself I was skipping school so I wouldn't have to change in front of the other boys. I didn't, and ended up changing in the bathroom stall for half the year. Kids made fun of me, so I stopped and changed in front of my locker. Every time, I stared st the wall and hated myself a little bit more, lost a little more dignity every time. I haven't loved myself since.
-In eighth grade I took a trip to Washington D.C. to learn more about our country. Naturally, I had to stay with another boy in the hotel rooms, because a boy and a girl cannot be trusted together. The first night I stifled sobs under the bed covers because, however little bit of intimacy it was sharing a room, I was not comfortable with it. I haven't loved myself since.
-my freshman year was a repeat of my eighth. My band took a trip to Dallas, Texas for a biannual competition. I had to stay with three other boys in a two-bed hotel room. I cried because I couldn't even confide in my female friends in private, because I wasn't even allowed to enter their rooms. I haven't loved myself since.
-my sophomore year I told my mom I was transgender- a quivering fact I'd known about myself for a while. She'd always said she'd support me no matter what, so I was taken aback when she said I was on my own because she didn't want to have anything to do with it. We never talked about that night again. I haven't loved myself since.
-this year, now a junior, I wore the guard makeup for my color guard performances, and a lot of people complimented me on how good I was at cosmetics. I know it was a little heavy and i mainly looked like a drag queen- not the girl I wanted to be- but I felt beautiful and was ecstatic.
-this year, now a junior, I know that me being transgender is not a phase. It is a fact about me- like that I have brown hair or love Taylor Swift- and it will never change. I am not open or presenting, and I'm not sure I ever will be, but i do know i will do everything in my power to help other minorities and people like me.
-today, I am a closeted trans teen. I have had to grow up a little quicker than the other kids, but it has only made me more mature and more versatile than the other kids. When we're pushed down, I am the first to stand up. When we are abused, I am the first to fight back. And when we are oppressed, I am the first one to riot.
-today, I am trans. And I will not let you walk on my rights as a human being.
Naivety
You were born on the wrong side of the tracks.
Destined from your first wide eyed look at the world to be a nothing
when you had the potential to be everything.
My mother whispered about you in the ear of her friends and turned away but I stared.
I saw all the world's stars in your eyes and all the worlds bruises on your cheeks.
It was odd, because at this point I saw the world in full colors, vibrant tales of happiness and goodwill towards men danced in my thoughts.
I saw a boy who's mother laid hands on him but not in the loving way I was used to. I didn't even know that was possible.
I saw the world as bright and warm and suddenly you made me realise that it's not.
In true Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon fashion I started to see the bad everywhere.
I noticed the bruises on their wrists before I noticed the soft crurve of their lips, I noticed the rain before the bow, I noticed the ruin before the love.
You were born on the wrong side of the tracks, but I opened my eyes a little wider and saw past them.
true self:
humid
stale air
hangs heavy
as my breath
is shallow
and anxiety laden --
a wolf
with lonely eyes
swims in my blood
wanting to escape
from stalking
worry
and then,
i release --
allowing
cool air
to penetrate
my constricted
soul --
it is
knowing
that the
vortex of
life
is love
and that
i recline
in the arms
of solitude
where
my true self
resides
in blue
surrealistic smears
of intrinsic
light.
the air
still
hangs heavy
and worries
like a
broken leg
cleave
to my brain
but i
allow myself
to touch
serenity
which
streams
through my eyes
coloring
tightness
with
the peace
of a
flickering candle,
and so
my day
continues
in monotony
but shaded
by an awareness
of a simplicity
of vision --
a portrait
of my true
self
which is
breathing --
a gentle
observer
like a
busy sparrow
dancing
in water.
I am
a kite
rocking
and swirling
in
cultivating
nurturing
sky.