Thrill and joy.
This is what I am good at. I have tried several other things in life, I know deep down that writing suits me well. I am a highly emotional and sensitive person, writing offers me a channel to harness my frustrations and anxiety.
Though sometimes, I need outside motivation to write, otherwise it comes to me naturally.
Good writing at the end of the day provides thrill and joy.
Everything suddenly becomes beautiful and poetic.
Sometimes, when my work is not appreciated, I lose confidence. But, I am trying to believe in me and my writings. I am a fan of my own writings. I love to read them again and again.
I have been a vegetarian for the past 30 years. Never ate egg or meat. But, due to certain deficiencies, I had to start eating eggs. When I lived away from home in a separate city then it was fine.
My mother is a stauch vegetarian, she would never allow egg/meat in her house. When I came back to my home, I had to hide eggs in an underwear drawer, books cabinet, sometimes, I would not take them out of my bag.
One day, I boiled eggs, and kept them in lower shelf in kitchen. My dog snitched me out. Her nosy nose brought attention of mother to eggs. That day, I heard loud ranting.
Eggs were thrown in dustbin, along with the boiling pan.
But, I did not give up. I had to play hide and seek with mother and eggs. It has become totally comical.
Initally, I was agitated, now I take it sportingly. Just I need to keep my dog's nose in check.
A dull boring life, bereft of delight.
A dream lays dormant, as I sleep tight.
A day, a month, a year, a decade passes like a flight.
I hate dying like this.....
I can't say how I want to die, but, how I don't want to die:-
- drowning in the vast ocean alone
-burning of flesh.
-accident cuts me to pieces.
-cancer break me to death
-stabbed by a serial killer in darkness.
-suicide-jumping off a tall building, eating poison.......
There are many more dreadful ways of dying...I hate dying in any of this way.
I have not yet thought of how I want to die.
In another world maybe, I would care less about what people will say.
Maybe, I will believe in myself and take your hand in mine, without bothering other's opinion and gaze.
We both looked at each other but none tried to get closer and shed inhibitions.
Maybe, you and I are both weak and coward. I fear judgements and ostracism, maybe, you does the same.
I fantasise of us being together and making love. But, I have no guts to express my true feelings. Maybe, in another world.
Why are we both alike? If one of us has been braver, we would have been together.
Maybe, in another world.
Keep your judgements in your pocket, and If they are full then it's your problem.
Well, I don't have time for you, but you have always been free to observe me.
Keep going. You must be bored with your life.
If someday, I judge you or pass a comment then don't be offended because you said worse and I still let it go.
I have the right to live my life as per my terms and you cannot intimidate me.
Try it, and I will give you what I will receive.
This is a short life, I have all right to be happy. So keep your nose on your ugly face and let me live.
I hope no one judges you as you judged me because you may not be able to handle pain.
I have tuition after school. On my way back home, something caught my attention.
A big promotional poster. A clown with a finger pointing at me and it read, “You. Come here. I have the key to what you desire.”
For a second, I thought it moved. I got so scared that I ran.
Mrs Rita slammed the book at my desk.
“Lily, why are you lost all the time?”
I was startled by her action. I looked around and few of my friends were laughing.
I hate being absent-minded all the time.
‘Chapter 2, geography of the world’ Mrs Rita started reading the next chapter.
My mind went back to the morning fight between my parents.
“Why were you late home last night?”, mother asked.
“I had some work”, father replied.
“You did not care to inform me.” mother said angrily.
To that, father dropped his plate in the sink loudly.
There were loud ranting for an hour.
It attracted neighbourhood attention. I found Mr Verma peeking. When he saw me looking at him, he left. Why don't people mind their own business?
I cannot describe how much I desire for a happy family.
I closed my eyes and I thought someone whispered in my ears.
"what do you desire Lily?"
Sound of bell woke me. Mrs Rita pointed at me and left the classroom. I looked around and thankfully no one was looking.
In the evening, I changed my route to avoid the creepy poster. A girl outside a stationery shop handed me a pamphlet. I did not look at it and put it in my pocket.
My father was late today. I could hardly eat.
″ Mamma, why is dad not home yet?”
“hmmm,” she said.
And, I repeated my question.
She looked at the clock and grudgingly said, "It must be work. Go sleep, you have school tomorrow”, She commanded.
As I lay on my bed, I could hear seconds hand of the clock ticking. I stood up and went near the window.
I was scared that something might have happened to my father. A boy in my class lost his father to an accident.
My fingers went cold and white on window railings. I started crying.
I rubbed my wet hands on my pants and took out the pamphlet from the pocket. It was the same clown poster in a smaller version. Something was written at its back
I know what you desire. It's easy, just pretend what you want to be.
Huh?, I thought.
So, if I pretend to be happy, then I will become happy.
I tried it. I started laughing and jumping like a mad person.
Somehow my desire was fulfilled as my father honked outside.
I cannot describe how much happy and grateful I was.
Next morning, I was in a good mood. Even though my parents argued again
Just pretend to be what you want to be.
I never felt happier before. I have the key to fulfil my desires, I shouted.
I thought I was right and walked with confidence. Until I was tricked by you.
I fear unwanted attention.
I fear people's gaze as if I have committed a crime.
I fear my legging will tear during an extreme workout in the gym.
I fear to faint in the office with everyone looking.
I fear the pics where I look fat.
I fear meeting an old friend with a successful life.
I fear acne which pops up from nowhere.
I fear diseases and death.
I fear meeting a psychopath on the street.
I fear the death of some loved one when the phone rang.
I fear people will ask my age.
I fear someone will hit my head while I sleep.
I fear someone is looking at me when no one is there.
I fear, fear itself.
It's omnipresent character eroded me inside out.
I have started challenging fear, come straight at me
I am prepared.
Fear no one, be brave. There is no boogeyman, only men..with large fangs and smiles.