Rejection
I never knew the blessing that was
to come from my rejection.
From the email I received
Telling me I'd not reached that goal
Of getting a place at the university
My father had learnt at all those years ago.
I was not disappointed, for I already saw
that this university was not a place for me;
The top in the country, but stuck up,
And I was stupid.
But I could never have seen how that rejection
Would deliver me from a life of hurt
And pain and upset
From addiction and hatred,
To a life of love and freedom and light.
That rejection lead me to a university
Where I would meet the love of my life
The friends I would feel myself around
And would break the curses of abuse
That had held me my whole life.
And I would learn so many lessons
About how to treat myself and how to think.
And that rejection solved my pain and upset
It fixed my mind and my heart and it stopped me
So suddenly, from the horror of my brain and from
The will to end it that I had endured for so many years.
That rejection was a blessing
That saved my life.
Three Knights
The air was cold. The snow was thick. Wind bit my face and whipped my hair across my eyes. I'd missed my train by 20 minutes, and had still not reached the station. Instead, I was stood before the largest hill in a city made entirely of hills with a suitcase the size of me and twice as heavy. It had taken over an hour to drag the case here, covering a total of less than 2 miles, and the skin on my hands was cracking from the icy wind. I may die on this journey, I had decided. A clan of drunken man celebrating St. Patrick's day had offered to help carry this case the remaining short distance to the station. I'd declined; I did not want to be held accountable for the injuries they may recieve in their attempts to lift this luggage. I braced myself, held my breath, and heaved the bag up the hill. It took another 10 minutes to reach the station, some 300 yards away.
Having missed my train, I had to stay on the platform til the next possible train home, which happened to be 6 grueling hours after I'd arrived. I watched wearily as it pulled into the platform. The automatic doors opened, and people piled in and out as I dragged my suitcase over to the train. I took a breath, and prepared to lift the case into the carriage. And then I realised. The gap between the platform and train was exactly the width of my case, and I was not strong enough to clear the gap in one movement. I'd fallen at the last hurdle. There was no way I could possibly get my case onto the train alone...
And then three men, in their forties, approached me. With a smile and a joke, they took my luggage and lifted it with ease into the carriage. I thanked them several times over for their kindness, and found a space to stand with my suitcase out of the way of other passengers. The train began moving, and I began texting my partner about the men's kindness, when I was approached again by two of the same men. They smiled, "You look like you've had a bad day", handed me a hot coffee and a kitkat. I never saw them again. I can only aspire to be as selfless as these three men were to a young student travelling home for the Easter holiday.
Life Lessons
I’ve learnt that people are selfish
because that’s how you survive.
I’ve learnt that people forget
because they’re more involved in their own lives.
I’ve learnt that children can be as horrible
As the parents who raised them.
And that teachers will abuse their power
When they’re too thick to see there’s a problem.
I’ve learnt not to trust
My own mind and family
And that you can never rely
On what's imprinted in your memory.
I've learnt not to make a fuss
When I'm hurt outside or in.
And I've learnt the secret to love
Is to be careful with the foreskin.
I've learnt to be true to my heart,
And study only what I like.
And I've learnt that freedom is important
And two minds can think alike.
I've learnt to see the beauty
In everything that I see.
And I've learnt to smile more
With each epiphany.
The time I broke my arm or
The time I got concussion
When I hit my head.
Being slapped in the face or
Scratching my skin
until I bled.
Losing nails and
Losing teeth, and
Throwing up in bed.
Nose bleeds and
Breakups; losing the one
I thought I’d wed.
None of these things
Compare to the thought
That she’d end up dead.
None of these things
Are more painful than
The life she has lead.
Why so serious
Life is short
and it may be shit
and you're not the sort
to cherish it
you sit and frown
turn it upside down
but have you thought
you're the exhibit?
There are times
when it's not so bad
when your words can rhyme
like you wish they had
Or slightly less
But why so serious?
So be a vodka and lime
drinking undergrad
The U.S. Constitution
We’re sat at the dinner table.
Six of us talking, eating, happy.
One American. One Lawyer.
One Politician. One Philosopher.
One Mathematician. And me.
The Mathematician asks about exams
Because she’s the stressy type.
The Philosopher asks what an exam is
Because she’s a little bit ditsy.
The lawyer answers: exams are her life
Because she didn’t realise what her degree was.
The Politician moans
Because she has to learn the U.S. consitutions by tomorrow
And all the amendments.
The American laughs and says don’t bother
Because she’s forgotten it already.
The 1st amendment doesn’t mean all that much
To someone like me
And though it affects the lives of many
In a country away from mine
It affects my life in one simple way:
It’s a bonding point for people who should study
But would rather put it off.
Smile
I looked at her, a smile across
both of our faces;
Red cheeked, red lipped;
Mother and daughter, happy together
At last. In a way I had never known
her, to smile in such a way
but we were happy. All three,
we were happy. The bottles of liquor
empty on the family table,
The cans of beer that I had not drunk
And the wine that was instead my favourite.
And my father, laughing at her silliness;
At her squiffiness and I saw his love
For her, a love I seldom saw.
And I understood that love
In the smile across
Her beautiful face.
It's cold.
I feel sick.
And I feel very, very calm.
The trembling has stopped.
And whoever is in my way better move real quick because I'm not in the mood to ask nicely.
I won't talk to you. I'll just look at you. And you can see, right there in my eye, the hatred.
One wrong move from you, and you will live that icey hell I've harboured my whole life. You will feel all of the pain that I had to feel over all these years, all condensed into one glorious experience. And you will cry.
And it will be a glorious experience. It will be pure ecstasy, all that ice running through my chest will sublime and I will be a wild animal; I will be my father, and you will be my wife.
And you will cry.
Personal Madness
You're tired, you should sleep.
Don't listen to her, you're fine.
Jesus don't be stupid, what else are you gonna do? There's nothing TO do.
You can go outside. You can go for a walk.
You're too tired.
Look the sun will do you good!
The sun hurts her eyes.
No it doesn't, you're just saying that. Stop it.
I'm not. She went to the doctor and everything.
She lied and you know it.
Hate me then. If I'm such a liar then hate me.
She already does.
I don't!
Yes you do. You both do.
Now come o-
Go away. Get out of my head.
We're not in your head! We're in our head-
Piss. Off.
Now loo-
ShutupshutupSHUTUP. I have to get out of here, I have to get out
You can't get out of your own body
I'll peel my skin off
please don't
Watch me
Please
I'll peel off my skin and tear my skull and rip out my brain just to shut both of you up
Both of who? You're the only one here.
You're all alone here.