"LU? LU!" Regan's voice cried out from the darkness.

Her stepfather Lu, the devil himself, burst open the door and approached her bedside and calmly asked. "Yes Regan. What is it?"

"Lu, I think there's a monster under the bed." The frightened five-year old peeped as she shuttered under her covers. "Can you go check it, please?"

"A monster, you say?" Lu amusedly said. "Well I suppose I could take look. Just hope I don't catch it in some sort of weird act."

Lu knelt down and lift up the covers to peak under the bed. His scarlet red eyes could not find any scale, hair, or any evident presence of his stepdaughter's so called monster. He then stretched his arm underneath, toying with Regan's expectations. 

"Oh, wait! I think I might have nabbed something. I think it's big." He conned. Suddenly, Lu's body lunged into Regan's bed as he was pulled underneath the dark underbelly. "Whoa, it's got me! Oh no, it's pulling me under. Save yourself! OH GOD NO!"

The slippery serpent vanished underneath, leaving little Regan to hug her stuffed monster plushy tight. She could barely move. Fear engulfed her body like a ghostly cloak. Then her stepfather's voice called out below.

"It's really dark down here. Better flip on a light. Crikey! Look at the size of this beastey! Camping under my little princess' bed, huh? Not on the devil's watch. Take this! And this!"

A rough scuffle rocked Regan's bed around as Lu fought off whatever creature dwell below. She heard punching, kicking, and a horrid monstrous shriek. 

"He's trying to nip me. Ha, tis but a scratch! Have some this, and more of this! En garde! Fire in the hole!"

A blazing light erupted from the darkness under the bed, and a fireball blast out underneath. The fireball shrilled in pain as it flew out of Regan's bedroom and into the hallway. Lu crawled out, unscathed and posed like a superhero. 

"Ha ha, I am victorious! Now don't you ever come back, you scoundrel! This bed is not up for rent, not when the Guardian Devil is here to protect and serve this little princess. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night accepting autographs."

Regan smiled and cheered wildly for her champion. Lu gave a couple bows and patted Regan's small head. "I don't think we'll be seeing that monster under your bed again. Now that's done, get some shut eye, kay kiddo?"

"Okay." Regan tiredly said as she laid back to sleep. "Thanks Lu."

After departing with a small kiss on her forehead, the not-quite-knight-in-shining-armor flipped off the lights and watched his stepdaughter casually fall back to sleep. As he quietly closed her bedroom door, Lu used his dark powers to conjure up a plastic bag full of ice.

"Nice job out there, Scrugs." He said as he tossed the ice bag to his freshly, barbecued associate. The small bat-like imp twitched in pain as he firmly pressed the soothing bag onto his fresh bruises.

"Why do we have to pull this stunt every time the kid thinks a monster is under her bed?" Scrugs whined. "I don't think I can continue to take this kind of abuse."

"Do it to put a smile on that sweet bundle of joy's face." The devil reminded his disciple. 

"Fine! But next time, you play the monster!"

I’m on my second beer when he sits down beside me at the crowded bar.

At first, I don’t acknowledge him, because I’m way too busy staring at the picture of JewBoy87’s penis on my phone and wondering when my life came to this.

Firstly, who sexts pictures of their genitals at eight p.m. on a Friday night? Someone with no life, who has nothing better to do than come home from work, make dinner for himself, before stripping down and taking photos at various angles of his very erect, very pink penis. Or someone who just has a folder entitled ‘Dick Pix’ on their smartphone just for show-and-tell moments like this...