hit me in the face

hard.

recollecting events

puts some effort into my breath.

how dare I get those white shoes muddy?

they came from shopko 

1,000 miles away 

my real home reduced to coagulated dirt and water

“What were you up to with that hunk?” cigarette lady playfully asked my mother

what is a hunk?

a thumbtack in your boot should have made hunk leave

it didn’t 

despite the careful position of the point

I try to understand the leafhoppers dancing in the grass

I know how to spell my name and am invincible.

invisible.

I was trapped in a suffocating darkness. It was like being stuck in a jar of maple syrup in a forgotten cupboard. I remember thinking if I could just touch one of the sides of the glass jar, I might be able to get out.

I don't really know how it happened, but one day my sickeningly sweet existence became, well, pretty sweet. I was no longer imprisoned. It was as if suddenly an outside force acted upon my jar of sticky hell. Maybe I was transported into a different time and place altogether. No more cupboard and no gooey sugar. No half-asleep states or zoning in and out. All of my thoughts were real possibilities ready to be carried out with this amazing new strength pulsing through my muscles.

Taking stock of my new circumstances, I noticed I was wearing a flowing silk robe with big pockets. I reached inside them, feeling nothing but the luxuriously smooth fabric in one, and a small bag of pellets in the other. That was it, but I couldn’t see anything through the thick darkness. Remembering the syrup-like liquid filling my lungs, I decided to test out my power.

With a bright shine and deeply satisfying warmth she swallowed up the darkness and sent the shadows dancing to their graves. “Wow, oh hello.” I was stunned, but also very pleased. “I’ll call you Star, if that’s okay with you.”

She nodded and beamed a little brighter. Looking back I can see that she had a hypnotizing power over me as I stared into her beauty with pride. Although I was still a little stunned, I ventured a question, “Do you know where I came from or the nature of this immense power that I seem to posses?”

She shook her head and laughed, “I haven’t the slightest inkling. I don't even know your name. Do you have any clues”? 

Skipping past my name because I didn't have one, I related the whole story. I showed her the pellets in my pocket. In her light they looked like seeds.

“Interesting,” Star giggled. “Detained on a dusky shelf somewhere else. Now you’re here.”

"Cupboard," I corrected her. Her face revealed a flash of annoyance just for a moment, and then the multifaceted elegance returned. "All I know is that it seemed like the jar, if it was even a jar, was located in an obscure, confined space.”

Her soft, mesmerizing voice filled my ears, and for a second, it became one with my own thoughts, “Forget the jar. Let us truly exist in the present moment. The things you create, I illuminate. The real problem is, as you already know, that I only have enough hydrogen to burn for a short season. What I really long for is a core filled with bubblegum pink and Byzantine diamonds that will shine forever. Make me your immortal goddess, the one true star shining high above all.”

She smiled and waited for me to respond. I felt myself slowly slipping away from the trance of her beauty. "One must earn their immortality diamonds.” I suggested. “How about I give you the timelessness you desire if you complete a challenge." Without waiting for her response, I waved my hands theatrically and said, “let it be” creating all of the galaxies in the universe. 

"In one of these solar systems in front of you I will plant the seeds that I found in my pocket. Perhaps the fruit of these seeds will tell me something about why I’m here, or maybe where my power comes from. Go ahead and choose a solar system you'd like to cultivate. The responsibility of the life in that garden will be yours, and once it thrives you can have what you want.”

Star thought for a minute, and then zipped around looking at the seemingly infinite systems. “Ok, that one will do fine,” she said as she pointed to one that wasn't any more special than the others. I took the seeds out of my pocket and gave them a stylized throw. They bounced off of the nearest planet to us, skipped over the next one and landed gently into the dry dirt of the third planet away from us. "Now let me just add a dash of water. Let there be life!”

I was so enthralled by all the seed throwing and planet choosing, that I hardly noticed Star growing increasingly agitated. I had willed her dream diamonds into existence while designing her perfect challenge to fulfill her reward. Amid my amusement she must have gotten a glimpse of the pink and purple light reflecting off one of them in my pocket. I guess she wasn’t so sure about wanting to play after all, because before I knew it she whipped the diamonds out of my pocket with one scorching solar flare.

How could my beautiful creation go against me like that? She placed the diamonds in her core and spun around with joy. "Look how lovely I am!" She sang as she twirled. Pink and purple lights gleamed and flickered under her surface, but after a moment they burned out completely, bringing her back to her original swirling shades of yellow.

With a motion of my hand she was silent and still. I finally saw her for the child she really was. I knew then that my creative capacities left a lot to be desired. “You will still cultivate the garden. Bathe it in light. Watch it grow on that third planet for as long as you live.” I declared.

I still have the ridiculous hope that someday the life in Star's garden might give me some answers to my questions. So far, I’ve gotten nothing. Sometimes I drop by and look around at the new inhabitants: street cats hissing at each other near a pile of old doors and metal junk; a solitary canary singing out of his desire for a companion; a person lying down on the soft grass just staring at the holes of blue behind the heart-shaped, deep green leaves of a Catalpa tree in summer. 

I hid in the broom cupboard

inhaling embarrasment, exhaling self–pity

mourn my loss of consciousness

look at me think about me

one    last    time.

you might as well be dead

your soul allows the vapors to swirl from white to a liberated indigo

change while you still can

Big sister said she hoped to die young, never wanted to be a stupid old person

what was it you wanted?

she insisted that sleeping feels better than waking up.

take a deep breath of stale dusty cupboard air and step out.