I feel like I'm losing it,

Sitting in my car after work

Music loud enough to drown

Out the noise of the past week;

I still see you in everything-

A plethora of ghosts

Following my every move,

They blame me and I deserve it.

I deserve every late night

Spent staring at the ceiling,

Feeling like

If I stop forcing the breaths out

They might just stop coming

Altogether.

I sleep with your sweater on my chest

And imagine holding you slowly, carefully.

You are the best of me-

The way I laugh until it hurts,

A smile that comes out when I see you,

The softest spots of my soul.

You love the worst of me-

The way I fall too fast,

Stubborn loving, no room to breathe,

The selfish longing to be wanted,

But not too much and not too little.

You never said it,

Never admitted you cared;

Only traced the curves of my loneliness,

Held me like I was fragile and priceless and yours

I've been falling asleep with your

Voice in my head and hands intertwined;

You call when you're home from work-

I'm tired, but I drive over,

And stay until tomorrow,

The sun reaching in through

Your small basement windows;

You live far, but close enough

That we take turns visiting.

Your mom hugs me every time

I come into your kitchen and every

Time I leave to go home.

We passed your dad driving

On some side street, he waved,

And we smiled- love is so easy

When every part of your life

Fits so casually with mine.

My parents love you,

My sisters adore you,

My brothers tell me how lucky I am.

And I love you too,

But can't tell you yet,

without sounding like a fool-

I've never been so sure of anything.

Loving you is so easy,

It has been since the first

Moment our eyes met.

I get the sinking feeling now and again

Almost like I'm drowning, falling-

No, dying; this feeling feels like

dying

Slowly

And without you;

Without anyone

No one to hold my hurt;

To calm my nerves or

Pull the grief from my lungs.

It's hard to breathe, to think, to

Exist-

Knowing that this feeling might

not leave my gut, knowing that

My head might stay clouded,

Devoid of memories of you

The summer smell is here

It encompasses me, fills my lungs and

Reminds me of when I was a child-

No worries, only thoughts of the blue

Sky and what I'd wear to a

friend's party;

Now my head is only filled with you

Surrounded, encompassed

I leave pieces of me everywhere,

hoping

That one day when I lose my way

I can come back and collect it all;

My grief sits in a small box

On my bookshelf back home,

Happiness can be found on the

Walkways of the zoo,

He's got a necklace I made him,

She's been taking care of my plants,

And here, in my borrowed room,

The smell so familiar to me

From childhood summers

Fills my lungs.

I must leave that too,

Just as I left you.

The touch of others

Disgusts me today;

I don't know how to tell them

That their leg brushing mine as we

Sit in the car beside each other

Makes my stomach

turn and my skin burn.

I was never good at saying

The things I think in my head,

I'll gently pull my limbs closer to me

To avoid contact or conflict,

Their hand will still brush my thigh

Reaching for something sitting

On the seat between us;

I'll pretend my skin forgets

The feeling of someone else.

Everyone has someone, but lately

it's felt like I have no one for my own

I still write you poems,

hoping you'll read them

I call a friend and we talk for an hour

About life and how it moves so fast

I text him when he gets off work

At 3am and no one else would reply

But I'm still up and he's still a friend

We sat up til early morning, cried

Together about how life is unfair

All these souls I love

could care less about

the shape of my hands,

They just want someone for

Their own too.

Could I ever find that person in you?

I barely lived in black and white,

most of my childhood playing

back like an old film.

One day I saw the world in color;

the blue of the sky bled to orange,

dandelions freckled the green grass.

The whole world seemed real

in a way it never had before.

These days have been saturated, filled with color and light and shadows.

They aren't perfect, but I'd be sad

if anything was different.

I don't miss you like I used to,

There's no ache in my ribs

Like the one that once sat there.

I've made new friends,

I'm not trying to replace you,

Just fill the space you took up;

I've stopped worrying about

What I'll look like in pictures,

Who sees me at my worst,

Who knows the best of me.

Instead I give my best to everyone

The girl in the desk to my right,

Someone I walked with to the car,

A boy who I'll never see

Again after the summer.

It feels good to be so distanced,

Distracted from reality,

Keeping the voice in my head

Steady, but not overbearing.

I'm back in the same place

nearly a year later,

Same hands, same face,

same small shop where I

bought your mom a mug;

The only things that have changed

are my feelings for you and

the rim of my glasses.

The weather is a bit colder,

clouds overhanging the

stretched blue sky-

I still think of you

as much as I did then,

still wonder how you're doing,

if you're happy, if you've been

drinking again.

Your happiness, your safety-

is not my responsibility.

But I still worry about you

anyways.