which side of the grass will I end up on ...

will I fall ..?

or,

will I rise ..?

I,

don't make that choice.

I just hear the cries.

the cries that fall,

from painful eyes.

a new page, yes.

but, no erase ...

stagger and stutter drunk

dazed and unfazed.

waiting for the grenade ...

If it ever drops ....,

I'll pull the pin upon my own head.

Nothing comes close

to the skin she wears.

hatred knitted into

fibers of her bones.

stolen soul, and hidden,

deep, within evil dreams ...

no yesterday's lift her head.

blood washing down drains,

with secrets to keep,

and a gullet full of whiskey to 'mend' ...

How about,

Fuck you.

yes, hatred is real.

Hatred is felt.

Hatred is lived.

Hatred is betrayal.

Hatred kills and

sends unwanted souls to hell.

pain is only but a scar,

it scabs, it heals

and you move the fuck on.

Hatred is forever ...

It's what you hog tie

as you beat it

like a piñata,

laughing in the face of weakness,

squealing in fear,

giving a half assed attempt for forgiveness.

but the damage has already been done ...

She swims in whiskey,

watching as fish breathe,

If only she had gills

that worked on regret

she wouldn't have betrayed the school

and swam alone ...

Drifting careless through currents

as sharks say prayers before dinner.

fear is in her heart,

she's desperate for light of restoration ...

Heaven shaped like a net,?

and paradise like gasping air,?

the fear fades,

to complete darkness ... ....

she waits ...

waits with fear in her heart.

a withered magnolia still giving

off a faint sent of hope ...

her garden fades and weeds take place,

sun scouring the best of her.

she draws a bath ...

she lies still,

as petals fall

drip ..., drip ..., ....

her voice, turns mute ....

maggots lick her dark secrets

and disappear into sadness.

she can't run from illusions

and plagues follow her close behind...

beehives swarm her mind,

making babies in her thoughts.

Renovated heart,

blood recycling,

mirrors on the ceiling

reflecting her insecurities.

Laugh if you will,

just don't cry,

the crystal ball is floating,

underneath floorboards ...

Dangerous and sketchy,

dirt fills her open mouth shut,

stand back and watch the movie,

play out like her every day reality ...

Too strong to loose,

from an iron made noose,

From rusted chains,

our necklace sways

Barbedwire caught.

I lost, even though I fought.

translate the lie,

as I guilt inside.

Okay so,

I wrote one and then erased it

and then I wrote one and erased it, then another but erased it yet again.

My mind is everywhere, but nowhere all the same.

I tear up at little things because of memories I've missed, I laugh at things that others think are funny ....

I work hard and keep responsibilities in check. but now I sit here drunk.

I know, I usually stop at tipsy ...

I went out late tonight

just to breath in some fresh air,

escaping the lasso around my neck.

and when I looked up into the sky

there was only a few stars,

but the few stars I saw,

shined brighter than ever.

and in-between the bright stars,

were bolts of lightning.

and in that moment, I felt home.

Security, stability and peaceful memories ...

I cried out, looking past the clouds

and whispered to the lord until I could no longer whisper ..

I fell to my knees, in the middle of the open field. rain pouring down and the stars still shining bright, I cried a deep a cry .

I shook my head, and held it low,

I felt small and insignificant,

like the dirt worms make their homes.

but for some reason, I felt heard ...

only time will tell.

so I guess another night loss of sleep ...

"The moment viewed like a movie",

was my moment of born again ...

I found your life tucked away

inside this small dusty box. ...

all alone I began sifting through

as it spoke so softly, I realized ....

you didn't learn to speak,

until after, breath escaped your lungs.

so now I listen to your ghost whisper

to me as I scan still memories,

left to throw away all the mundane. ...

don't worry dad,

I'm not afraid and I no longer cry tears,

that flow without permission ...

instead I hold on to reality that

I never knew, and hardly ever will ...

yet, life goes on

outside of your small dusty box,

where I continue scanning lost times.

so for now,

I put on a smile

and tell my little boy,

all your things left behind,

were all left

for him ... ....

sweet whiskey retreat ...

you make me feel frisky

I'm not tricky,

that's why you call me pixie,

or is it gypsy ...

oh ... tipsy, that's what you call me ....

silky really. my name is Lilly.

I hate frilly, though I confess,

I have a dress, I like to impress,

not to be cliche,

but you're my man,

scan me as you please

you have the keys ...

taste the dream

of sugar sleep,

I am sprinkles

within the cake

making sweetness

of past mistakes,

lick my neck if you dare

to know my flavor,

lick me bare ....

Did someone say risk~ay ....?