Holding on to the man I used to be.
The ashes which I emerged from crack between my fingers, taken away to dance in the space between the warm winds.
He has moved on, so should I.
The suns kissed my cheek and the trees whispered my song, and I danced with wind and the ashes I came from. I know my evening will come. I hope my end is met by such reverence and beauty.
Tawny Brown Skin: For Elijah McClain.
A young boy.
He wasn’t normal.
Something the wild things did
his heart pounds through his shirt,
and the sun kissed his cheek,
tawny brown skin, he smiled.
and danced in the Lowest of places
-and that boy died the other day.
When a man guns a boy down because of protocol and Nothing More- No when a man guns a boy down in cold blood, reflection must be had.
his mother carries his heart in a still chest.
A father washes his hands till the skin peels, washing away his sons blood; knowing it runs through him, it boils; knowing the line has been violently cut. And will be nomore. because he smiled and laughed and danced in the lowest of places.
He wasn’t normal.
He was cold.
The sun will never kiss his cheek again.
Chapter One: Control
Raised in a children’s shelter as a young child, Cano was an outcast among his peers. Often mistaken for a girl, Cano was ostracized and abused for his perceived feminine facial features as a young child. In response he cut his hair and violently lashed out to the point in which he was isolated from the other children, mistakenly diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar manic depression by the state. The medications sent him on a rollercoaster of chemically induced feelings and altered mind states. Most wouldn’t take him in due to his record of violence, and his expensive medical bill. In response, his caretakers begged the city clinic for re-evaluation; claiming that he could no longer afford the expense of his prescriptions. The trio even went as far as to make it seem as if he didn’t need it, claiming he was faking for attention, shamelessly bullying him into submission.
Cano became quiet, unresponsive, and reclusive. His weekly required therapy consisted of his therapist’s bland binary questions once met with obscenities and verbal assault now binary apathetic responses; followed by an hour of storytime featuring Children's book authors who wrote of eager dogs, and warm parents, and silver spoons, he could not relate to, and never dared to dream. Cano sat in silence, unbothered by the melodrama bouncing off of his young dismissive mind, unbothered by the chatter in the halls, untouched by the buzz of the therapist’s desk light. Week after week Cano began to find a silence that no man, no bus, no opposition could penetrate. Cano valued the quiet. like a padded room, once the office door closed, the room was his.
Of course, his stewards were chary about Cano potentially revealing too much during his sessions, consistently berating him. Panic-stricken, the three would attempt to intimidate young Cano while inadvertently divulging information Cano couldn't correlate, yet understood to be sensitive.
Cano was well aware of his assured “quiet” being untouchable; but one day, outside of a gas station, on the way to the city’s child services office, the larger and wilieyest of the the three, Mark , had a point to make. Mark pulled Cano up to eye level. His arm, gripped so tight it left blue marks against Cano’s tawny-bronze skin, shaped like the inside of his fist. “You think you grown huh? Mark whispered. Cano glanced around hoping someone would intervene, ending his embarrassment, but to no avail. Passerby’s ignored the confusion, some even encouraged Mark, assuming Cano had it coming, assuming Mark was his father. “Tell you what.” Mark growls. “Let me even catch wind of that pencil neck motherfucker knowing shit about us!” Mark crechendo’s “Let me find the fuck out that- shit let me even think that he know shit about me and your ass is mine!” Mark howls. “You made two mistakes so far boy. One, you thought you could do better than this. Two, you thought you was safe. I’ll have your ass in a straight jacket, doped up in a heartbeat. let me tell you now; You better watch yourself.” Cano blank, staring at the sky, tears welling, nodds as Mark stares intensely inches away from Cano's face before dropping him.
Cano’s therapist is under the impression that Cano enjoys the storytelling. However, as earnest as his efforts may be, the old man may be handycaped, due to an age gap and the alien nature between Cano’s demographic and his own. Cano needed someone to confide in however he understood that his tone-deaf therapist may not understand nor have the capacity to manage such a delicate situation in an effective manner.
Cano found himself trapped between his emotions on the way to the clinic. Briefly floundering then still; Cano gently placed his hands over his heartstrings, choking the explosive vibrations between his lungs. The silence that followed fortified an oasis that gave his mind the footing for a fighting chance. Becoming mindful of the clarity “the-quiet ” had to offer pushed Cano towards honing his new discipline. His suffocating environment inspired him to bring purpose to his power. something was growing from the dark places between the cracks of his broken soul.
Reciprocity is simply receiving what you put out. It is essential to expect this in every relationship you have, regardless of how vague; most importantly, our relationship with self.Relationship with Self:A healthy relationship with self is a never-ending journey, we all must face, if we choose to grow as individuals. Maintaining strong boundaries and mindfulness can keep us from detouring from the path we choose. We must be patient with ourselves and understand that we are far from perfect; yet, regard our weaknesses and faults with self discipline.External RelationshipsBuilding strong boundaries is an essential key to having healthy relationships. Know what you stand for. Know who you are, Know what you are here to do. People on that same journey will gravitate accordingly. As short, simple, and sweet as these pillars may be; putting the words to action may require one to step into uncharted territories such as: Being honest and transparent with self and one’s circle, removing unhealthy boundaries (comfort zones), and managing different forms of isolation. Regardless of my readers' depth of adversity to overcome, I would look forward to you finding solace in these incisive words. I speak from experience. I hope we learn from them.
Mindfulness is the art of being aware. From your surroundings to your inner workings, it is important that we take in as much of the “now” as we can. Mindfulness promotes balance, and allows the headspace to make thoughtful decisions.Practicing meditation often facilitates the headspace for mindfulness. meditation does not have to be a “Full lotus positioned focus on the silence within.” but, a disciplined regiment, practiced consistently, to the point of organising and quieting our minds. This can take many forms from baking to boxing. Self DisciplineHumans are habit forming creatures; and self discipline is the art of using that disposition to our advantage. As a general rule: consistency promotes longevity. Regardless of how passionate we are about something it will never last until we make it a habit. In the beginning of a relationship, both partners are excited and optimistic about each other; but as time goes by, and the honeymoon fades, the relationships that last, hold on to being consistent with each other, if nothing else.
In this case, consistency is basically maintaining a healthy relationship with self. The first step to building consistency with anything is to maintain a standard.Personally, I may not want to work out every day; but, the self discipline to have a set bare minimum that is at least comfortably challenging ensures that I am consistent with my goals/standards. Being mindful of the energy input vs. output ratio is also important. If I’m not working out for days at a time; in alignment with my goals/standard, I will consume less energy. Maintaining a standard may also include prioritising your goals and minding who and what you let into the space between your goals and the quiet your mind needs.
It can be easy to lose respect for self. The reasons can be broad. The toxic process can sneak up on you; still you are the only one who can truly validate yourself. As overwhelming as it may be to actually have this drawn to our attention, stumbling upon the fact that we may lack self-respect is the first step to being well.“Give the demon a name and it will show its face.”Building stronger boundaries Following the realization of the respect we lack for “self”, comes the declaration of stronger boundaries. Boundaries consist of a standard of respect one has towards self, that affects what one will, and will not do, or accept around them, and the audacity to enforce said boundaries. This can range from what we’re willing to eat; to the people we choose to entertain. Write down the things you are and are not willing to compromise your growth, wellness, or state of mind for. Make the list very clear to yourself. Take a mental note of how, and to whom you bend these rules throughout the day. Consistently set and communicate these boundaries. Toxic people in our lives will naturally distance themselves because they are no longer able to control and use us. These boundaries are rooted in the value we regard in ourselves. As these boundaries form and solidify, we become more of ourselves, and naturally begin to value ourselves more. Positivity and growth will gravitate towards us, mainly because we, over-time, built a fortress around us. The exclusivity of the fortress inherently amplifies our value. As our inherent value appreciates, due to the fortress also allowing ourselves head-space and room to grow; we are sought out, by sought after people, who hold similar boundaries, because the connection could potentially appreciate their own value.
From a nutritional perspective, respect yourself enough to eat mindfully with regard to what makes you feel good. (Emotionally balanced, full of life, satisfied palette.) Maintain boundaries around your standards, taking foods that do not make you feel good (sick, sluggish, angst, displeasing to your palette) in strict moderation or out of your life, all together, depending on how strong your boundaries are.
Personally, I regard people and habits the same.
This book entails a fundamental overview of wellness. I intend to define the foundation of a healthy and well person, within themselves, through these lines; and actionable suggestions toward a standard as such. We often find ourselves wanting for more or better, yet failing to define what that really is to us; therefore attempting to remedy a problem or shortcoming before identifying it. Shooting in the dark, investing in hope, only leaves us scared, tired and blind; but in embracing the dark we become the light. I intend for this book to be a point of reference for personal growth.I look forward to revisiting these notes to regain my perspective and hope you would do the same. Mindset: The only way to benefit, long-term from a life-style change; is to be mindful of how you value yourself as an individual. Make every decision, involving yourself, based on making “You” the priority. This involves the following pillars:
Audacity and Exclusivity
Maintaining a standard
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Noun; Movement or the ability to move from one place to another
This book is the product of extreme pressure. Victim to the haul and tow of life, pulling me apart and squeezing the air from my lungs so tight, I began to crave it. No longer was I a victim. In the night, a scared boy became a man. In the night, he became the same with the weather. He became the same with the blight; and in the morning, the warm dawn kissed his cheek, blessed his furrowed brow, and amiably embraced his calloused hands. The dawn whispered as he closed his eyes “This fight is far from over. The once boy, now man, must become something more.”
I can not Cry while Black Boys Die.
Torn from warm arms
adopted by devil
theese dark toughts taunt my mind
boiling to never surface just fulsh against the whites of my eyes
I can’t cry while black boys die.
murals tiled with absent walnut and hickory and tawny faces color the back of my mind
as i reflect on my father and my city and my mation
and my pride
I can not cry while black boys die.
I must show no anger
I must show no fear
My demons must be tamed
there may be a day for my closure
but today we are at war
and we must fight a devil we cannot see
and a maddness they cannot feel
and the demons we cannot suffocate
theese dark thoughts that taunt our mind
But to our advantage we’re the Devil’s son
and we cannot cry while black boys die.
#black #blacklivesmatter #justce #poetry