Easy to hate harder to heal with love and compassion

my mind races as I sit here evaluating

every.

single.

transaction.

Like a child I express myself in the most basic of ways feelings on display in the kitchen on the table in a bright and clear vase

flowers blooming springing to life with abundance

if you couldn’t see that I’m glad that you chose not to stay.

Glad that you walked out the room with nothing else to say not angry with you I’m mad at myself for hopelessly putting you upon my shelf

For making time when there was no time to give for allowing your feelings to live where mine did

“Only I can give you the power to hurt me” those were my words and I’d say them again so I won’t waste time on tainted men

Thank you for your time patience and loyalty you didn’t want a relationship so I have no idea why you spoiled me

Nothing left here but peace love and acceptance maybe now I can realize who to put my best in

I lost my glasses, have you seen them? The lenses were tinted a beautiful rose and the frame was a pure white. Unmistakable and extremely obvious so you wouldn’t dare miss them. The ones I have now get the job done though the dark brown tint and black frame just doesn’t do it for me. Something about them is just harsh and depressing.

I find my days blurring together, the strength I have fading away, and the happiness I once shared so abundantly slipping beyond my reach. More often than not I see myself falling deeper and deeper into the dark abyss that is me. clawed fingers layered with a thick dark sticky layer of madness grab at me. Before it was easy to resist and to revolt. Though now I find myself struggling to keep my distance...to maintain who I am. It is easier to hate than it is to love. Easier to give up than to try. Easier to say goodbye than to continuously say hello. Broken ties and tears are all I’ve ever known.

I’d label myself unsure

Ms. Attempting to be picture perfect

I’d label myself too good to be true

Mean as fuck

Soft as hell

I’d label myself true

But none of these things matter because labeling is meant for you

When you see me walking towards you what is it that you see?

Almost two days ago a kid jumped off of a building at school

I wasn't there to see it, but I am here now to witness the after affects.

Why did he do it, Why couldn't I have stopped it, Why like that?

I'm afraid to walk up the hill because I know that once I do I will break

My heart and Mind will explode with the overwhelming feelings of grief and reality.

I don't want to believe that its real

Its currently a constant mental battle with myself

He did it. It really happened.

But I don't want to see it that way, I keep thinking about how he might've felt in the end.

Did he change his mind?

If somehow I was in the same place at the same time could I have stopped it?

Though I am not at all observant would I have pieced together the events that would take place only moments later?

Would anything be different?

I had read it on the news earlier that day "Kid Falls from 5 story balcony..." at this time I convinced myself he really did. I told myself he'd be fine, death was not an outcome I had seen in this situation

Then I got the email,

It was as if my whole life fell apart, I couldn't understand couldn't grasps what was really happening I didn't want it to be true.

Why is reality so painful and why cant I just dream myself into a better place?

There's a vacancy inside of me and it's pulling all my strings

Craving you and wanting you to fill my every need

My mind is filled with possibles and things from last nights past

But vacancy is present and taking no demands

You are what it's looking for the only fill it has

so come on over big boy and give it what it asks

Fill me with passion and douse me in pleasure fulfill my request with nothing but endeavors

I'm needing you and wanting you so come and do your tasks

Leave no stone unturned

just give me what I ask

I promise it's enough to satisfy

my wants and all my needs

So come on over big boy and put it down on me

At the moment I can't breathe

My hearts stuck in my stomach and my lungs are refusing air

My legs and fingers wobble with uncertainty as I try to stand alone finally I was okay and now once again I'm broken forever stained with the memory of what otta be and forced to deal with the truth that is reality I wasn't good enough for you I'm now no good enough for anyone

I wish for freedom,

to wake up and feel no pain of oppression

I wish for love, that deep love that nothing can ever come above

I'm wishing for that new new that who you and where can I find my own

Wishing for a new beginning in a world where hate has never existed and love has been the only thing to prosper

I'm looking for Happiness, a grin from ear to ear something that won't wipe off because of one pessimistic tear

I'm wishing for my own, a growth like no other something to make my momma smile and my world crumble down into pure amazement

I don't want to see people die emotions hide and my people cry, want to be stronger than I have ever been

faster than Mike Phelps when he swims faster than the make up I throw on my face to hide the discoloration of my race

want to be proud for being who I am want to be praised for not needing no man, who are you to say and who am I to be

anything more than God has gifted me

Given me a purpose never will I be worthless I feed off of your vibe and change it over time

always willing to learn more the world is mine to explore won't let people hold me back for I am done with all of that

I have learned how to stand alone, learn that it is great to be my own

I was made to be this way and nobody can make me change

I've been finding my way for a while now. Flipped over some stones and peeked behind a few walls but still, I am no where to be found

Not sure where to look...honestly not even sure what to look for or how I will know that I have finally found it all I know is that it's not here with me...the other me I mean... I guess