Unprofessed Confession

Dear KS,

To be brutally honest...

I don't know why I have written this.

Yet here these words lie in this sheet of paper you are holding. Forgive me for making you read such a cringeworthy sentiment right before you depart.

But I could not help myself from simply saying (for a lack of better words) ...

... just how wonderful you are from afar.

Your snarky remarks. Your cool, mysterious demeanor. Your caring nature. Your terrible jokes. Listening in and picking up pieces of conversation you share with our fellow peers (don't accuse me of being creepy, you're pretty loud yourself, not to mention there's not much room in the kitchen).

But beyond this, I guess what really drew me to you is your impulsive decision to come to the states just only a few months ago. Well, whether impulsive or not, I came to admire just how ready you were to let go of the comfort of home and exchange it for a new adventure in a foreign land.

An entirely different culture.

Unfamiliar faces.

Weird food.

Your nonchalant answer as to why you came here has always stuck with me.

Whether consciously or not, you've inspired me. Inspired me to take on my own adventures. You've instilled a confidence within me that no matter what life brings at me, or wherever it's taking me, it's all part of the quest that I've been called to embark. Frankly, you've also reignited my dream to travel and study abroad - to see and experience the world myself. In short, you helped me realize my dreams for myself and to keep on chasing after them. For that I say thank you.

Anyways, I wish you the best as you head off to the military. May you continue to be an inspiration to others and pursue your dreams as you go on into your next phase in life. May God bless you always.

If by some miracle (or by sheer stupidity) you see this letter, just know I do not expect anything back. I, however, would have loved to hang out with you and get to know you more as friends.

Perhaps our friendship was never meant to be.

Still, writing this to you...

Showed me how love should start.

Best,

GXC

*** A word from the author ***

A series of epistles addressed to my present and soon to be self.

Love is an ever-morphing maze, snagged with thorns, carpeted with cotton candy, and engulfed with a mysterious mist. It is the most thrilling rollercoaster, biting medicine, and grueling teacher you will ever encounter. As I continue to ride the waves of life, through its ebbs and flows, I intend to capture my own experiences on (seemingly hopeless) romance - every emotion, every hurt, every elation, every thought and moment. I hope that when I look back at these living pieces of writing, I may find peace knowing how far I've come and confidence of what is to come, be it more trials or jubilations. And I hope that when you read my story, you may find comfort in knowing that there is someone who is still searching for the very thing you're looking for. No matter if the world fades away or time stops running away, we can hold onto the sweet expectation of receiving the intangibly nonsensical thing that is love. May we all discover this precious flower within our souls and come together as the garden of Eden itself through true, intimate fellowship.

***

Below accounts for an earlier event that occurred a year . Resurfacing these memories and emotions was painful - but nonetheless rejuvenating. I thank God for giving me the courage to share and memorialize this. Thank You Lord that this is behind me.

*** End ***

I stopped believing in happy endings

My heart had been so naïve

Hung myself up for a life of pretending

Anchored my faith on fleeting emotions

It leapt at every opportunity

Collecting dust as though they were stars

Forsaking my people, my tribe, my community

For an ever-emptying jar

I thought I knew who they were

I was so sure this was it

The knot was tied

The ring was set

And yet here I lie

Broken

Shattered alive

Flowers withered into ash

Colors reeked of bitter tar

Flying cymbals shrieked and crashed

Blood leaked from lonely guitars

I lived in this hell for too long

I'm tired of stuffing myself in this pit of self-pity

I can't bear this cross

I hate these memories I've created

That I've buried

Lied for

Stabbed and mutilated

Left on repeat

A splinter turned plank

Lodged into my psyche

A glassy mirror shattered into millions

They're all looking back at me

Faces distorted

Disgusted

Disappointed

Time is a curious thing

Too long have I felt this sting

No more pain

Just

Numbing nothingness

A faint chord chimes in

A beam peers through

Warmth fills the inner crevices of my being

I see myself

Standing by a river flowing with sparkles

Sprinkled with pebbles

Sheltered by a singing emerald forest

Striding along a spiraling yellow brick road

She smiles

How sweet and crisp

Forgiveness can be

Fireworks shower ablaze as you turn your way towards me

Glimmers of light leap and dance in the Mediterranean Sea

As you place your freeing gaze on mine

A hundred firelit sparkles shine in your eyes

Lighting up those deep dark voids with fireflies

Forming galaxies that swirl and intertwine

Your spectacles magnify and radiate with twinkles

From a never ending river, where smooth silky water warps, wraps, and wrinkles

Your eyes mirror a reflection clear with perfection like freshly poured sparkling wine

And when you smile that cheeky grin of yours

An array of fluorescent lights flicker on -- from skyscrapers to streetlights to tiny bookstores

An entire city comes alive glowing and glimmering with dazzling design

Yet here I stand

Looking

Gazing

Right into that dreamland

And I can't help but think

How beautifully you shine