Fear.
There isn't a day that goes by I don't fear aging. For all the years I've been on Earth, it scares me to imagine that I will be on it for much longer. I cannot find it in myself to believe that life will get better, only changing the struggles I face to those I have not been taught to fight. One day, I will not be able to run back into my mother's arms, nor will I be able to seek words of advice from my father. There are nights I cry myself to sleep because I cannot handle the overwhelming fear that overtakes my soul.
But, there is one thing that scares me more. And it's because I am living it.
The thing I fear the most is never being loved the way I love others. I fear that I will never know the embrace of a person who would burn the world down to see that I experience warmth.
When I say:
"I would kill somebody for you."
It isn't an exaggeration. When I love, I love beyond care for myself. The consequence doesn't matter I will put somebody before myself if that is what they need in the moment. I will sacrifice everything to remedy the hurt of my friends, family, and anybody else I may find myself loving.
Is it so much to ask for a person who is willing to do the same?
I have never been put first in my entire life and I find myself fearing that I will never be a priority.
Depression
Makes me feel gross, sub-human. There are so many people that use the word for hyperbole, saying it as 'I am depressed' rather than 'I am feeling depressed'. Depression is a constant state of misery. The best I can do as an escape is a distraction.
When I say my emotional truth, people that haven't suffered see it fit to tell me 'Others have it worse, get your shit together'. Obviously, that is how to cure depression. (Please take ntoe of my sarcasm)
Nothing good can come from depression.
Sup, here’s 20 facts
1) Salt water takes 10 minutes to drown you
2) Bananas are radioactive
3) A jar of peanut butter can contain up to 5 rodent hairs
4) Rabbits eat their babies if they get stressed
5) Doctors used to do surgeries on infants without anesthesia because they thought babies could not feel pain
6) In 2008, 3 Texas teens were arrested after digging up a human skull and using it as a bong for marijuana
7) The little girl that played Ducky in "Land Before Time" was shot and killed by her own father when she was 10
8) Butterflies have been known to drink blood
9) Over 40% of murders go unsolved lol
11) Children who have experienced family violence have the same brain activity as soldiers in combat zones
12) Dolphins and whales drown to death if they grow old
13) In the original Cinderella, Cindy pulls a Titus Andronicus and chops up her sisters and sends the corpses for her step-mom to eat
14) The limit of chicken nuggets is 413 before paralyzation sets in
15) Burning to death is the most painful thing, second childbirth [Good thing you're ace]
16) 80% of all American paper money contains traces of cocaine
17) Spiders spit acid onto their meals then sip them like a corpse smoothie
18) Many babies in orphanges didn't cry because they knew they wouldn't be answered, they developed depression
19) Oklamhoma ranks 3rd in women mudered by men in domestic violence scenarios
20) Valentine's came from the holiday Lupercalia which was about auctioning off women to pleasure men
Why I write
I write because there isn't enough good LGBTQ+ fiction in the world. Being queer doesn't have to be a coming out story, not all of us are scared of what we are. Some of us are silently out, while others are coughing from the closet. And that's fine, but being queer isn't what defines us as people, our lives will never revolve around that one aspect of our beings.
It's hard to find a role model when everything is white washed, cis washed, and het washed. I am absolutely none of those things, but when faced with a lick of rep I fall into the hands of people that will never follow through. And it's probably why I love the tv Avatar series.
In Avatar the Last Airbender, there wasn't any LQBT rep, but there was strong people of color. This meant a lot even without me knowing it, I was watching a series and it felt right. There wasn't an excessive amount of white men on screen, my favorite character being Katara. A confident woman with a craving to learn, and at the time, I thought that was who I was.
The next installment was more mature in theme than ATLA, this one called Legend of Korra. The thing about this series is for the frist time, I saw bisexual representation in a kids show. It didn't astound me in any way because I was a pansexual child and that just made sense to me. But now, looking at the series given to people my age, non-heterosexuality is generally treated as a joke.
We may make gay jokes, but we are not for anybody to poke fun at. Being queer isn't humorous, we aren't a cirus to here for your entertainment. We are people and as people we are permitted a chance to experience the world as any others would. We have a right to go on fantasy adventures and slay dragns, we have a right to pilot a spaceship, we have a right to exist in the creative scape as everybody else does.
So that is why I write.
My Best Poem
So, a little context for this poem. At school we, the students, were assigned a family traditions project. Becuase my family is boring due to lack of religion, heiritage connections, and etc. I decided to make fun of my family and my Mom's obsession of Hallmark movies. It's easiest to read this in a light rap tone. Have fun!
As Thanksgiving comes to an end
We sleep that night, all snug in our beds
The creaking of the floorboards, the hum of the tv,
Words saying from Hallmark to me
Now, you may wonder “Who is up at this hour?”
I can assure you it’s not my brother taking a shower
Nor my sister, for she is on Tik Tok much to my dismay
My father is snoring, so I can now sort this mystery away
It is my Mother, up at night
Sitting in the flat screen’s glowing light
Hallmark movies, she watches with glee
As I try to reason why the birds work for the Bourgeoisie