the shuffle of cards

white earbuds and lipsync

expressions of mock disgust

roar

a smile as big as your jaunty personality

Unruly black hair

loud laughter and debate

even outside of class

an endless fight against gravity

and picking up trash on a rainy day

hands freezing

and cheeks pink

monolouges

crinkled paper

and a million dreams

long winded explainations

and exuberhant, exaggerated hand gestures

stolen calculaters and borrowed paper

he never did break his promise

every sheet was returned

leaning over the desk

all smiles, he says

“you know how we’ve always been besties?”

Maybe not

but if I could do it all over again

I would be.

Maybe we weren’t as close as most

but anyone who knew you

for any time at all

knew you were going places

knew you were

are

amazing.

You won’t be forgotten

and you will always be loved

but now that the brightest star has flickered out,

what comes next?

i wish you were here

i wish you weren’t hurting

i wish i could’ve known you better

i wish you didn’t feel this was the best solution

i wish you didn’t have too go through this

i wish i could take the pain away

i wish there was something i could do

or something i could’ve done

i wish it didn’t have to end this way

i wish that wishing was enough

but wishing won’t undo what’s already been done.

ad infinitum

your memory will endure.

goodbye is only goodbye

when it means

forgetting.

ad infinitum

we will mourn you.

and though

the pain will fade

the bite of recency leave

there will always

be

an emptiness.

ad infinitum

i will always

remember

your smile

i had hoped

your sun again

would rise.

instead

your light

had faded.

for now

i say

goodbye.

i hope

you’re under

a bluer sky.

i hope

you found

what you

were so desperately

searching for.

i hope

you don’t miss

us

the ones

you left

behind.

dear universe,

is is this

what life

is supposed to be?

such a beautiful

contradiction?

things of great joy

interposed

against things

of intense pain?

hard decisions

going against

everyone else's advice

because only you

best know

what is right?

wondering how

the world

could hate you

and love you

so impossibly much?

emptiness and light?

sick and strong?

smiling against the tears?

seeing the sun

break

through dark clouds?

exhausted but content

i know i will be alright

but i just need

a little more time.

everyone around me

makes me feel

as if needing time to myself

is giving up.

as if needing

to lose responsibility

to maintain my sanity

is giving up.

as if needing

just a simple word

of encouragement

is giving up.

as if putting

my own happiness

before

some hypothetical college resume

is giving up

on what i've

been working

for.

i am always

oh-so-tired

muscles limp

mind run ragged.

and now

when life

has dealt me

a bad hand

i must remember

what to me

is important

and what

to let

rest.

my family

brushes off

this deep set

nothingness

tells me

"it's normal, for a girl of your age."

but, oh, this bone deep exhaustion

had plagued me

for years now

and i know

something is wrong.

i have to give something up.

my mother says

"it's good for you, you can do it all."

my father

doesn't even seem

to notice

and, my friends?

they may be

the only ones

who really see

how poorly

i treat

myself.

this day

a day of hurt

horror

heartache

heroes

this day

a day of rememberance

ashes

dust

fear

this day

a day of numbers

11 days

9 months

18 years

2977 dreams ended

gone up

with the dust

of the buildings

this day

may be a day of terror

but on this day

a country was united.

The fifty states

as one.

time

ticks

by.

i watch the clock

like a cat watches a mouse

waiting

for the time to strike.

yet unlike the cat

i dont think i'll strike

i think instead

i will wait for the mouse to die

it's okay

i'll get to it eventually

the water drips

slowly

counting off seconds

seconds when i must be forced

to wait

and wonder.

drip.

another moment passes

when everything

could come crashing down

drip.

time is as thick as honey,

refusing to move

except for only

the most insistent pressure.

drip.

i wait

for a notification

a quiet buzz

telling me

of the answer.