What am I living for? As it seems now, I am not living for anything significant. To live? To be entertained and happy? The former may be a worthy justification, but I fear that the latter is the primary motivator, a justification that is most dastardly, perhaps even evil. Entertainment. Today, what did I do? I did nothing but be entertained from entertainment of the most lazy variety. I did not work, I did not think, I threw my mind in the sea. I am a weakling and a sluggard. I half-ass my living, and for this, I've fallen deep in the pit of worthlessness, which I believe should be the eighth deadliest sin, to be punished in the deep recesses of Sheol. All of the days I've lived, what have I done? I've done nothing but be a slug of the earth, a maggot, a parasite, eating all that I can from my own species to satiate my insatiable appetite for shallow happiness.

This worthless slime cannot think of an admirable attribute to praise itself with. Except perhaps persistence, or in other words, stubbornness. And this heap of insignificant shit will use this only asset to scramble out of this pit and set its eyes on the Sun it is not worthy to see.

I must remind myself of this every day because I forget what is important every happy morning. My simple mind struggles to see the signs I put up to remind myself, but I must keep trying. This is what I live for, now. And when that is done, I will live for something more. I must remember this.

Come.

Closer,

Here with me,

Let yourself cry,

Fall into my arms.

Let it all go for now.

You deserve to be loved, love,

So loved you shall be, by me, sweet.

I know being strong can't be easy,

I am strong for you in moments like these.

Lean in close, I will only tell you true

Some days hurt more, some people care less

Don't you mind it, don't mind at all!

Cry, scream, retreat, give up hope,

When you come back you'll see

I'm still here, tight armed,

Holding you close.

Face your fears

Let them

Go.

Breathe.

Find you

In yourself

Find you, love you.

Maybe I don't see

Maybe I can't feel it

One thing I do know though is

Life and love can hurt just the same

As they can heal, mend, elate and bless

So find value therein, find it within

Remind yourself each day if you need to

You are worth more than scars or bruises,

Than empty lies you tell yourself

More than your pain or sorrow,

These are just parts of one

Beautiful soul

You just need you

To make you

Yourself

Whole.

You don't love me,

And that's okay.

I still love you.

Give me some time

To change that.

It won't be today,

And probably not

Even tomorrow.

But someday,

I'll stop wearing

The clothes I kept.

I'll wear the earrings

You got me for graduation

Because gold looks good

With my brown eyes.

I'll stop talking 

The way you do,

And I'll stay at home

Instead of walking out

To look for you.

I'll see your smile,

And not wish

It was only for me.

I'll hear your laugh,

And it won't be 

My favourite song.

 The songs I sing

Won't be  for you.

You don't love me,

And that's okay.

I  still love you today.

Older brother.

Do you know my name?

Has your memory lapsed

to block out the pain?

I write letters to you,

you know.

In hidden pages of notebooks

that you will never hold.

Letters you will never read.

Letter I can't send

Because I don't know 

where you live,

or where you are, even.

Our father cries for you sometimes.

And you don't know that, either.

You might have guessed,

or even hoped,

but I've proof you can believe in.

My eyes have seen him,

bent with grief,

distracting himself with work

while you are somewhere 

living your life

and sending us no word.

Teach me the bass,

older brother.

Let our love of music 

be the no-man's land.

A place where we can talk freely

and I can hold your hand.

This year I finished high school.

There was a special dinner

for all the grads and their families

to celebrate together.

You, of course, weren't there.

I'm just your little sister;

why would you come and dine with those

you hadn't seen forever?

But your mother was there, 

helping out.

I couldn't look at her.

Across from me sat 'the other woman':

my own beloved mother.

You don't write.

No phone calls either.

Except the time 

you called our dad;

you'd been told to 

by your teacher.

It saddens me to

think of it:

the only reason you called

was to get that 

passing grade you needed,

after which,

you ignored us all.

I want you in our family.

We all do, actually.

Your mother 

and your girlfriend, too,

if that is what you need.

Give me a piece 

of your heart;

I've given you more than that

already.

Give me a part

in your life;

I'll welcome you into mine

easily.

Are the hedges 

growing between us

a wall that keeps you safe?

Or will you deign to

cut them down

and see me, face to face?

Older brother.

Do you know my name?

We humans like to pretend

Our reasons are complex

But maybe love has a simple form

On long roads, you protect me

In close moments, speak softly

And on cold nights, you're warm