I couldn't see a life with her,

but life without her isn't much better.

I want her to be happy,

but can't I be happy for once.

Why does knowing not help.

Why did we start this if we both knew it wouldn't last.

It was fun, stressful, exciting, lovely, and not me.

And not you.

We tried so hard to change, but for What?

Did you really love me?

Did I really love you?

Will I ever know without a doubt in my mind that I love someone?

Will they love me the same?

How do I move on from one path of life to another?

The tools that I need are spread out before me. I know how to use every last one. I’ve seen most used properly, or I can imagine the proper use for them. I have an active imagination. I know many paths I could take. Most push me to what I believe to be my goal. Others push me to some unknown destination. These are the hardest to follow. My goals can be imagined, they seem probable. Yet, they remain just that. Goals. I can imagine what I believe to be a better me. And I can articulate a clear path to this goal, but I don’t follow it.

This is nothing new. I have been following this path for as long as I could bother to have the thought. I live in a world without a model, a hero, and a clear instructor. I find these piecemeal in many things. Some professors, some friends, some actions of strangers, fictional characters, fictional premises. Plenty of suits on the rack, but non tailored for me. Now this may be asking for a lot, after all why do I deserve a self tailored model to follow and improve? I’m sure that’s not something most have, or even think about missing. But I find myself becoming this model out of necessity. This is not what I want. I am an improper model. If I wrote down everything I knew, I wouldn’t have to go out and buy more paper. I am a student trying to become a teacher, in more than one way. This may sound almost poetic or cliche, depending on who you ask. Though something crazy has happened to me.

I’ve grown. The difference in just the past 2 years is tremendous. I’ve seen friends, families, and strangers rise and fall. I’ve somehow been dropped on a higher platform in these two years. I’ve caught even a glimpse on what it truly means to love, to live, to work, to grow, to listen. I’ve seen in the eyes of those I talk to wonderment, and intrigue. People are seeing me as smart, as a leader. I can see it, but I feel they see a persona that far exceeds not what I’m capable of, but what I actually do and give. I want to lead, but I am afraid to fail.

I know many who’ve failed, and become contempt with where and what they are. At least that’s what they would like me to believe. I want to be happy, be more than just contempt. I like all will die, I would like to die with a smile. To end on top, frozen in my eternal second state. Become the next big stepping stone for someone else to build upon. But will that really make me happy? I don’t know. I don’t know what will make me happy, I can only imagine. I can imagine traveling the world with my significant other, eventually settling down and starting a family. But how long will that happiness last? How long will it take before I crave more adventure? The battery will fail to start the car if it hasn’t been driven. But parenting is the ‘adventure’, and it is one I wish to pursue one day.  It seems to me to be a sure thing. Some things feel like they are a sure thing. I’m sure I’ll graduate college, I’m sure I’ll get a job, I’m sure I’ll be married and find love, I’m sure I’ll start a family and have kids of my own, I’m sure I’ll become smarter and be able to answer many questions I have today. But at times many of these things, if not all of them feel unsure.

It’s not a good feeling to be unsure. It feels terrible to think you know something, and learn or believe that maybe you don’t. I recently found myself in a lull, with a promising promised future that seemed sure and to be steadily finding the path I was following. I had my doubts, theories, and possible paths that could interrupt me. Though seemingly out of nowhere this string of certainty was cut. I feel the desire to move on. I feel the desire to figure out where it went from a certain thing, to an uncertain thing. Already paths have appeared before me. Though I have chosen to follow none. I have dug myself a hole away from all paths. I sit and think, or I get up retrace my steps to a previous path and go back to the hole. I try to find paths within this hole, but there are no paths. Just a hole good to rest, and good to hide. I’m ignoring real problems, allowing them to build up in and around this hole. I’m hoping I’ll float, though I just sink. I find little bubbles of air and brevity that keep my trip in the hole bearable. I look for the rope, the ladder to just drop down in front of me. I know this won’t happen, and I know I already know how to swim. It will just take all my reserved strength to push myself to the top of this hole. I will be out of breath, uneasy, and weak. Only to be placed back in front of all my possible paths.

But I know that I will need to push myself to my limit to succeed, and become even a little bit better than the steady slope I am climbing. Why am I afraid of losing my breath and dying along the way, I am dying in the hole. Would I rather die in darkness, than the hope of light I can see above. Maybe I’m afraid of one single push of myself not being enough. I’m afraid of commitment to so many things in life. To constantly push myself is scary.

But I am pushing myself. It just hasn’t been in one direction. When I push down I also push up, when I push forward I also push back. I don’t move. I push myself to my limits, but for no clear defined reason. I’m late on my assignment. Another day wasted, I’ll work in the morning, at least I hope to. Goodnight!

Time heals all wounds,

it erases the past,

and makes way for the future.

I remember those words you spoke,

the warming embrace you gave,

and the tears that left both our eyes,

finding one another on the ground.

Time,

Time is a cruel mistress.

She has locked us away and thrown away the key.

A clear cage with a clear outside,

but no escape.

She doesn't taunt us,

or interfere,

she is but an aimless observer,

stuck in the role we have provided.

Time did not always have this control,

nor was she always,

she came when we saw her,

and decided then and there to never leave.

Now we stare and wonder,

how long we can spend in this cage,

for all of its flaws it still comforts us,

and Time's presence keeps us wanting to stay.

We are afraid to see this outside world,

it is unknown,

it is unattainable,

the way we exist now.

Though Time is truly the one who is alone,

alone in a world surrounded by those afraid of her presence,

whose only comfort comes from anything that isn't Time.

I hate her,

but without her I wouldn't be,

She gave me purpose at the cost of taking it away.

For as long as I live,

I shall remember,

the scene of lost,

yet it will be all I have in the end.

My dear I promise you this,

for as long as I live I will not forgot,

all that you were,

and all that we became.

But I dread the day that I must go,

for any who knows me,

will not know how you truly were.

You do not die when your body is all but gone,

You die when Time forgets to remember you.

Drifting through void without purpose, no rush, no hurry.

Time is a concept I once knew.

At a time when such trivialities consumed my very being. Not enough time for this, not enough time for that.

Well now I have the time.

I have all the time in the World, the Universe. This whole place is my Oyster.

Oysters, I used to love serving them at gatherings with my friends.

Friends......Friends? The word holds meaning, but what does it mean.

Others, other people....

Others, there are no others, there is only me.

People, what is a people?

I ask myself, for I have all the answers. 

 Questions keep me busy.

Busy? What am I busy for?

Am I waiting for something?

Why wait, when I can do anything?

Second guess myself?

Not knowing what will happen?

How can I not know, I know everything. Right?

I didn't know back then?

Back when?

But it's happened now, I should know right?

I will be distracted?

How can I be distracted there is nothing to distract me.

I'll learn to become human once more?

What does it mean to be human?

I do not know?

I do not know?

I do not......know?

How can I know?

I have to do it, huh?

Just go for it.

I have all of the answers, no not all of the answers.

I want something new, I want to know what it means to be human.

Only one way to know, I must experience it.

An experience, I can't wait, I won't wait.  

This world, this universe will Be once more. 

Golden Brown hair, that surely holds the chariot of Helios,

Eyes made of Lapis Lazuli.

All other features hidden in the shadow of a book,

or covered by a tent of raincoat.

Raincoat...

Raincoat...

I guess it is raining today,

I've been meaning to get a new umbrella

Huh, where did she go?

My muse of the day, How can I paint my magnum opus without her! 

The time is 9:37....about 15 minutes till my bus comes.

The rain is starting to irritate me. 

The convenience store across the street, what a fitting title!

The Bell, a greeting, a nod in return.

Books, cards, snacks, umbrellas, pizza, umbrellas, umbrellas....

"Ah there we are!"

"Found it,did we Inspector?"

Huh? the cute girl?

I'm trapped, the illusion of time, and my path out of here vanish.

Damn it, I need to say something.

"Don't talk much do you?"

Her words pierce me like her eyes pierce my very being. Damn it, why can't I say something like that aloud?

"Uhhhhh...no, not really"

"Don't be afraid to have some confidence about you, all we have to fear is fear itself and all that!"

She's pointing at me, no at my shirt.

Shirt, shirt, of yeah my FDR shirt Mom bought me. Something about having to look the part of a History Major or something. 

"Hahahahahaha"

"Damn it, that was stupid!"

"Hahahahahah"

"Oh no I said that out loud didn't I?"

Abort mission its time to go!

Something clinches my arm...

"Don't worry about it, own up to it!"

At least I think that's what she said, all I know is that I replied "Will do". Left the umbrella and high tailed it out of there while my bus pulled away.

I guess I'll walk to class, I'll only be a little late.

Back row it is, my seat's been taken by a bus dweller.

Plenty have romanticized the muse, but they don't tell you what to say to them!

"Hello again?"

A musical Sonata plays in my ears the moment the words hit. It's her.

It's her, look with peripherals, It's definitely her.

Confidence, Confidence.

"Ahrm, what brings you here?"

"Haha I've been in this class all semester, Mr...."

All semester, Damn I'm an Idiot. I don't even know her name, pay attention next time!

"By the way I'm...."

Is she saying something?

"Stop talking you two, class has begun!"

To whom ever it may concern,

Run First, Read Later!

It is not safe here, people are being mauled on the streets. A Genocide of Mankind is happening before my very eyes. I am cursing myself for not filling up earlier in the week, I can't get very far with less than half a tank of gas. My roommates are gone, my apartment building is eerily quiet. I've emptied my backpack of all schools supplies and have gathered around three shirts, two pairs of jeans, one pair of cargo shorts, a hammer, flat-head screwdriver, 4 plastic bottles of water, one reusable bottle of water, and the only non-perishable food I could find...one jar of peanut butter and 3 cans of tomato soup. I see my vehicle clearly, no one is around. I'm going for it....

Around 2 hours ago I was still packing my bag. I've now managed to make it to the small chain of mountains away from the outskirts of town, with only less than 2 gallons left in the tank. The dirt road was clear, only one broken down truck on the side of the road. A truck of powdery blue color with all the windows smashed, a sight that didn't tempt me in the slightest. I've managed to cover my car in foliage, to camouflage it from I don't know what.....I wonder if my family and friends are okay, nobody has responded to my calls and now my phone is almost dead. I recall this mountain top from when my friends and I visited. There's a gas station 20 miles down the other way. I have just enough gas to get me there. I don't want to become a mountain man with the feeble supplies I've conjured up. I'm going to go for it tomorrow at the break of dawn. For now I need to sleep off this nightmare. My friend whoever you are stay safe. The state of my town was something out of a movie. Dead bodies littered the main road, cars piled in the streets with no one behind the wheel. Cannibals ravaging poor victims. I've seen no sign of sane life aside from myself today. I fear the worst has happened to my friends, I may very well be the only one to make it out of my town...I don't want to think about what would of happened if I didn't sleep in...I'm leaving this note as evidence of what befell my town. I can not offer you any guidance beyond these words. It is very likely you are scared, as I am terrified. But take comfort in knowing that there is at least one sane being still out there, that is a comfort I do not have today. Take care my Friend, I hope to see you one day alive and well!

Who we are is in our name, but a name isn't who we are. 

A name's job is to simply simplify.

We can not comprehend a world without names.

Simplification is needed for us to understand, to acknowledge. 

A name is pleasant to have.

It allows us to be acknowledge.