Deep in the pine wood

Grew a special tree.

Thinking, there I stood

Rooted deep was me.

I pondered the thought

Of getting my saw.

Right and wrongness fought,

Dumbfounded, in awe.

Looking blindly for

Something, nothing there.

Deep within the core,

Inside, never bare

But, the other trees

Never care at all.

Still, they always tease

wanting me to fall.

I am not as strange

As they seem to think.

Maybe I can change?

Always on the brink.

Wanting to fit in,

Trying hard to cope.

Lost without my kin,

Always losing hope.

Sometimes I like to sit in my bed with a good book and disappear among the pages for hours on end. I cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday I could become a part of a fascinating story such as the ones I become engrossed in.

I like to plug in my headphones and get lost among the lyrics. I like to imagine the feelings the writer felt, the thoughts they conjured up, the predicament they were in. I like to imagine that someday I could successfully write out a complete thought as they had.

I like to write and write and write until my heart is bleeding out on the paper. I like to hold the pencil until I feel the blood coursing through my veins to form the words I have never before been able to connect together correctly.

I enjoy the tidal wave of emotions these three very different forms of escape bring me. They pick me up in one place and deliver me to another.

But other times I become trapped within the thoughts of my brain without any form of escape. I just linger inside my head for a split second too long, and I spend hours there.

Hours turn to days, days turn to weeks, weeks to months, until I no longer am myself. At least, I am not the me I've been building up.

I become the part of me that I have spent the past 5 years burying alongside the rubble of my fragmented mind, and in that moment I wish I had fallen into the pages of my unopened notebook.

July 6 2015

12 days

12 days is all it took to fall for a boy I didn't deserve to begin with.

Just shy of two weeks and my heart already beat for him. That's all it took to fall for his angelic smile and voice.

288 hours

288 hours is all it took for my world to become all about one boy. In 288 hours time, my happiness came from a source I should never have allowed in. 288 hours is all it took to become captured by one human.

17, 280 minutes

17, 280 minutes was how long it took for my heart to fall head over heels for another. In this amount of minutes, my life turned around, and in entered a light I never believed I'd find again. In 17, 280 minutes my world became a better place.

1, 036, 800 seconds

1, 036, 800 seconds of my life passed by with you enthralling my heart and soul. 1, 036, 800 seconds of my life I lost to you and will never gain back. 1, 036, 800 seconds of my life I devoted to a boy who allowed 1, 036, 800 seconds to tick by without a single thought of me.

1 minute, 60 seconds

1 minute is all it took to shatter the hope building in my chest.

In a mere 60 seconds everything collapsed.

Your eyes followed every step I took, every swing of my hip. You mapped out the way my hair fell over each ear and how I constantly fussed with each strand until it lay perfectly still against my temples. Your eyes told me how bad you craved my body, my physical affection. Your eyes were a dead giveaway to how your adulteration remained noticeably more salient than my emotional love for you, yet I continued to ignore that message

Your smile spoke a mile a minute explaining just how much you lusted after the curve of my back and my breasts. Your smile simulated the devilish grin upon the face of a predator as the predator cornered the prey it had long been awaiting. Your smile pierced my vision and apprised me of the devilish anticipation you held; however, I chose to look past it and continued loving you.

Your fingertips traced the length of my calf and intrigued me, for I believed you just wanted to feel the smoothness of my skin rather than express your lust for my body. Your fingertips became ensnared in my hair as you pulled me upon your body and attempted to expel my childlike love from my body. No strings attached of course. Your fingertips became whispers of sexual desire, and I had no idea what you wanted from me.

Your hands reached out for my body, but I thought you were reaching for my hand to hold. Your palm brushed the arch in my back as we hugged, but it didn’t stop there. My body became a fortress of sexual desire, and your palms screamed of sexual innuendos. My palm gasped for your touch but simple handholding was not enough for your head to accept.

Your body slithered next to me as the final shreds of my innocence shattered, and I knew what I was to you. I soon became nothing more than a bed to lay your figure upon. Your physique became the only object I was allowed to know about you because we were nothing more than a shallow friendship. I was nothing more than an object you lusted after with your wolf like pants and howls of desire.

There will come silent snow in the eve of the Fall

Where the wind doesn't wisp ever, close to a bawl

And the animals feel that time seems to stall

As the gentle, white snowflakes flutter and fall

The landscape enveloped, a glimmering shawl

The world dissipates till there's nothing at all

The branches of trees, a tremulous loll

A single red rose extruding with gall 

Ferret, ferret, scuttling bright

In the cages of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy darling symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies 

Reveal the sweetness of thine eyes?

On what whiskers dare he aspire?

What the paw dare seize desire?

And what shoulder and what art

Could twist the sinews of thy heart? 

And when thy heart began to beat,

What adorable hand and what adorable feet?

Ferret, ferret, scuttling bright

In the cages of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy darling symmetry?