Was it a lie when I said I loved you

Or am I just in my head again?

I spend a lot of time in there

Thinking

Hoping

Worsening

You always knew how to drag me out

Get me back in the real world

So I’ll make a list

A litany of he loves me

He loves me nots

A pros a cons

I’ll take this emotion of love

And examine it under the microscope of logic

Maybe then I’ll truly know

Maybe then my head will let me sleep

I saw an orange tabby in my garage tonight

It scampered away as I turned on the light

I still can’t be sure if what I saw was real or imagined

Have I wished so hard for a friend the gods heard me and took pity on me?

Or have I lost it, mired in my own world apart from yours

Stuck in my head no better than the ostrich hiding from its fears

I’ll leave an open can of food on the doorstep

And let the gods decide

The hate I hold is a new creature to me

One who’s barely opened her eyes

Still cowering in her mother’s breast

It’s an unfamiliar constant medallion

Hanging down over my chest

Masking the hole where my love for you once lived

This newborn hate has tainted me

And yet I will nurture it

I will water it daily

Patiently waiting for the day its sprouting stem

Unfurls thousands of golden leaves

And a trunk mightier than any axe could fell

This hate is now my constant companion

Closer to me than even you had explored

She wears your face

Has your same dimpled smile

And because of that

I will love this hate

I will love this hate because it is the last piece of you I will ever hold

I am my father’s daughter

I am his anger his strife

I am his poverty his sweat

But I am also my fathers love

I am his goodwill his helping hands

I am his good fortune, his constant smile

I am a dichotomy of all that came before me and all I have yet to experience

When the future looks uncertain

I turn to you

You who has been with me since I became me

You who has seen the unending days of my youth

You who has stumbled alongside me in my growing pains

You have been my constant

You are the face in the river looking back at me

If I stare too long I fear I may follow the path of narcissus

Except love is not the emotion that overtakes me

Instead it is grief

Grief that I have lost you

Grief that you cannot be found again

Do you really think it’s true

That whenever you think of someone

They’re thinking of you too?

I think that’s kinda sweet

a really endearing thought

two souls across the cosmos

connected through thoughts

Maybe it’s a lie

But at least it’s a happy one

Easy to swallow

The world would be much kinder

If we filled it up with happy lies

The kind that spread joy

and celebrate life

So tonight when I think of you

I hope you’ll think of me too

And when tomorrow comes and we’re together again

Maybe, just maybe

we’ll be more than friends

My first kiss, stolen by a boy

Turned man.

My first everything a drunken mistake ,

I was not drunk.

I have new definitions

New words for love

New words for first.

A girl swinging through my blues

A first declaration of consent

A first declaration of peace.

To reclaim the lost

One must go through the dark.

So much pressure

Why did I give in

Why was he drunk.

I will learn to say no

I will say no

No.

Not tonight, not tomorrow,

Please never again.

She lulls me back to sleep

My dreams are gone again.

I smell peaches and summer breeze

I have returned.

I’m accepted

I’m loved

I am she is me

And their pleas fell on deaf ears for I was too

Swept up in innocent taboo

And the lightning crashed and it shook the house and I thought I left the lights on

I knew he was wrong for me

But I was too impatient to wait for Mrs. Right

Then the rain came down and it pounded the ground and I thought I closed the doors

I’m smarter than that how did I love like that

Why did the lightning crash

I knew better than that why did I love like that

Where did the rain come from

When he leaves me alone I am at peace

I can hear the frogs croaking

When it’s just me and myself I feel love

The fireflies flash their mating song

#poetry #beginner #peace #love #bi