you wrote our names in a constellation of colors

with a little piece of chalk

me and you til the rain washed it away

mere seconds we were etched on that rock.

we rode that carousel round n' round

til sun hung low and it was dark

when your mother called you back for cabbage soup

we took the long way home through the park.

i miss the long summer nights we used to have

rain soaking the heat from our aching bones

i never wanted it to end

'cause then i'd finish those nights alone.

it was a conundrum for sure

how i was supposed to carry on

once the endless nights had left me

and you were gone.

as years pass and i look back

i remember us with bittersweet delight

whether it's now or in fifty years

our love still burns bright.

Take my life so I can be

Out from under, truly free.

Let me end it now, I pray.

I would do it ev’ry day.

I would do it ev’ry day.

Take my life, I cannot wait,

All my trials to consecrate.

All my ailments, take them, too.

I’ll devote them all to you.

I’ll devote them all to you.

Oh gosh, it’s hard to survive this

This life of uphill success

And just when you think that you made it

You get knocked back down to the ground

"To trudge on is to make it"

You all cry out to me

Oh gosh, it’s hard to survive it

I congratulate your “bravery”

Yes, you ask me if I’m comin'

But I’d rather sit at the side

And watch all of these wanderers

Fighting this mountain of life

You might think that I’m being lazy

But pardon my sense of humour

I just like to watch you all fallin'

Watch you fallin' back into the deep

Oh gosh, success is a struggle

And it’s funny to view you all

Climbing a mountain, near impossible

You’re always coming back for more

You never consider the alternative,

Cause you’re so busy heading for the top

Gracious, allow me to laugh out loud

When you fall back down, hitting the bottom

Well, you say that I’m a meaner

I guess mean, that I might be

But, I just like to laugh at these people

Cause I find funny their antics

Their lives are a joke and a lesson

And trust me that I really learn

But if you tell me your stories

Allow yourselves to burn

Cause, gosh, I find it humorous

To hear about your mischief

To listen to all your failures

’Specially those made in stupidity

Now, it’s not that I’m trying to be cruel

Cause if you sit down with me

I’ll tell you my life tale

And you’ll laugh out loud right beside me

Yes, you’ll laugh out loud

Accompanying me

Isn’t love supposed to melt like sweets?

I want to eat something, let’s go buy cotton candy

Yellow-green sleeves, a love letter thrown into the sky

That shoe box became my wastebasket for my smile, so handy

Your long hair swaying in the gallnut-colored sky,

as I beckoned to the twilight with my hand

The shrine’s grounds makes my word decrease

Counting the things I lost in these nonsense delusions, you don’t understand

A dream within a dream is a impossible dream

A child ostracized by his father is like a foundling

The stars are more exquisite the darker the sky is, did you know?

Dance, while your dreams are contradicted by reality-you’re the most appealing

Until we can be ourselves,

clap your hands without inhibition

Until one day we wake up from this dream;

let’s stay in this position

If my life can be rescued like in goldfish scooping,

I would like someone to scoop me up, is what I thought

That’s right, I don’t understand what I’m told to do

A simple answer is what I sought

Becoming someone’s love interest

Becoming a adult as I was told

Somehow I don’t understand any of that gibberish,

and why my tears won’t stop; this is growing old

Things I forgot: candy apples

The moon’s shadow reflect on the water

Fireworks scatter across the surface

As I search for things I can’t touch in these nonsense delusions-like your daughter

That’s enough, that’s enough

The floating and illuminating things,

are sucked in by the dark summer sky

“Bye bye” is the only words the wind brings

A dream within a dream is a impossible dream,

The world is garbage but,

I like you, I like you, I can’t help liking you

Dance, and dance, let’s forget about what is what

Clap your hands without inhibition,

until we one day wake up from this dream

I’m looking for a dream beyond this dream

I get drawn into your self-esteem

There's stars in the crab and cancer in the sky,

If I were an astronaut I'd cure us all,

If I were, then I'd sing your name and sing it right,

Never wrong and never guilty and never wrong.

Oh to hold your skin under my arms and under my breath, in healing,

up through time and dealing it and sent to the stars.

Way up to the stars, Yes'm

An eyelash on the moon, Yes'm

Way up to the stars, Yes'm

Just teach 'em your name, Yes'm

All of God's children they cried and they praised,

Where were they raised, Oh, and where did they fall,

Is outer space hell and the heavens underground,

Is the Lord a flower that had risen up from it.

Didn't I know you in the spring time yesteryear,

under showers of dying constellations in the winter air.

Skies and time and earth, Yes'm

All the heaven's worth, Yes'm

Tides and their pulls and Mars, Yes'm

Way up to the stars, Yes'm

And you can see tomorrow too,

It's in the silver painting in the sky,

I know you're hurting and don't know what to do,

But I know you can pull it all with all your might.

Set the world a match of fire, make it shine of silver and gold,

listen to the pulse and the heartbeat, the pulse inside you're told.

Cause that's the whole wide word, Yes'm

Way up in the stars, Yes'm

You hold the light of light, Yes'm

You hold up all the stars, Yes'm

Oh oh my gosh,

what have we here,

a December night,

filled with fright.

Around the house

it is dank and cold,

not much to do except

write and get old.

Sleep, the way to forget things,

sleep away the night.

Here we go,

another day,

sun shines bright,

hurting my eyesight.

So much to do now,

where do I start,

break out my laptop,

and write from the start,

words flow freely and given a life,

a life worth living again.

*****

This is sort/kinda what it sounds like:

https://voicespice.com/Player.aspx?c=p&h=5E5D299&j=207F3D

She haunts me. Not only in my dreams but in reality too, she has become the nightmare I pray away, the day dream I pray for, dare I say that she’s the fantasy I desire. Never in my entire 27 years of existence on this planet have I ever felt so much intensity from loving just one person.. One person who might never love me like that in a million years no- not when between she and I stands a three legged man, men who’s third leg has much more power than the two legs put together. Oh no she will never love me like that.

She haunts me and she doesn’t even know it. In fact she must never know cause if she was to ever find out, she will ask questions.. She’ll want to know what it means to be haunted by Love, what it feels like to be haunted by her love, to be haunted by the one love I know I have to accept is my misfortune to fully feel, to fully feed on, to fully taste.

She will tell me it’s okay to feel like that but I’ll know it’s not, almost as if she’s trying to make me feel less insane she will say to me “Mai, I’ve never been good with words, I’ve never been one to write how I feel, that is all you, but I want you to know this one thing, I love you.. I really do, everything you feel I feel it too, everything you see I see it too, so don’t ever be insecure about how you feel” I will fall for every word she says but question her honesty, because I doubt she feels what I feel, I doubt she sees what I see when I think of her, when I hear someone saying her name. What are the possibilities of her loving me like that?! One would say the possibilities are endless but with her possibilities ends when she finishes her sentences with “you will find love Mai, you will find a girl who will love you just as much as you love her, the love I know you so much deserve” and I will have to learn to move on without her, it will bring me no happiness, no peace, knowing what we could be if I chose to stay just as she chose, it would bring me no joy as moving on without her would be like leaving her behind.

My friend Mash would constantly say to me let go, she’d say “your love for this woman will drive you six feet under Mai, you need to let go, it’s not going to be easy but you simply must do it, it will take time, it will hurt but eventually it will be over, you will forget her, she will no longer exist in your head, every thought you had of her will have long faded like how memories of people we once loved, the loved ones who have left this world fade with time, you know they were here but you just don’t feel them anymore, you don’t see them anymore, those feelings will not be a trigger to you again.” Perhaps that’s the thing I’m scared of, to be quiet honest it is exactly what I’m afraid of.. I’m afraid of losing her, losing memories of her, of us of what we could be if I just chose to stay will feel like I’m losing myself as well.

Eventually though, I have to accept things for what they are, that I was only meant to be in her life for a season, that we met to help each other grow as individuals. It was never about meeting the right person at the wrong time, NO! this chapter of our lives was meant to happen, it was written way before we knew we would walk this earth.. With every pain and joy we felt during our time together, good things happened, seeds were planted with our very own words and actions into each other’s hearts, soul and mind.. What grew and will continue to grow from all that is flowers all sorts of flowers with a smell that fills our senses with an aroma beautiful and sweet enough to attract beautiful and sweet souls. Like pumpkins in a garden we will grow apart birthed from one seed, I will never hate her nor will I forget her or even let her go, however even though it hurts, I will be happy to let her be, be her own person.

Am I allowed

To look at him like that

Could it be wrong

When he's just so nice to look at

He smells like Apple trees in fall

He stands confident and tall

U would find him

In a Polaroid picture

And he

Means everything to me

He smells like lemongrass and beach

He feels like cotton balls and dryer sheets

He deserves to be

In every Polaroid picture

But that's just me

He talks bubbly like soap

His voice is full of kindness and hope

And I would love if he

Would take a Polaroid picture

With me

Written to the tune of Alanis Morrisette’s Ironic:

You’ve got no plans to leave your state

All that’s left to do is wait for your next Zoom date

Or you get by on texting your bae

Nothing to talk about ’cept the last thing you ate

So this is a pandemic, and it stinks

It hurts my braiiiiaaaiiinnn to think about my last vacay

So I tik tok until the pain goes away

Or I roll the dice and play board games all day

And now I need pants so much bigger

If we play it safe, and just stay inside

Rearrange your booOOoOokcase

And find some Clorox to buy

Clean your whole damn house til it shines bright

So you feel good about drinking wine all night

So this is a pandemic, and it stinks

It hurts my braiiiiaaaiiinnn to think about my last vacay

So I tik tok until the pain goes away

Or I roll the dice and play board games all day

And now I need pants so much bigger

I know what you’re gonna say

That playing Animal Crossing every single day is wasting all my time

Yeah I know what you’re gonna say

That cursing out loud when you think that mute’s turned on gets your boss really on your case

What you wouldn’t give for a kid’s play date

Or let’s be hooOOoOonest, you just wanna give em away

When there ain’t any school you have to do their math right

It’s harder than it seems to avoid one huge fight

So this is a pandemic, and it stinks

It hurts my braiiiiaaaiiinnn to think about my last vacay

So I tik tok until the pain goes away

Or I roll the dice and play board games all day

And now I need pants so much bigger

Yeah I know what you’re gonna say

I had nothing better to dooOOoOo

Yeah well I also wanna say

Corona, you suck

2020, I’m out

All my life, been forced to wear

This God-awful apparel

'Cause Pa won't let me wear thongs

And My Mom's an oldschool woman

This town is full of dumb laws

Shops and cops and pompous standards

But I'll show who I am, They're gonna truly know me

I'm a streaker and a grower, yeah

Are you ready for the reveal

Are you ready for all this skin

Like I'm in the Garden of Eden

I'm done being so timid

On to the golden sunlight

I'll be basking in the warm rays

And if you puke, Boo-Hoo

Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked

Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked

Everything's hangin' and swayin' , swayin'

If it's nightmarish, keep gazin, gazin

I said Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked

Friends are scarred and scant

Or are they quite impressed

As they gawk at my jewels

Like they wanna give me clothing

Some are running far

While others look jealous of my unholy's

Then I'm sure you're shocked my bronie, oh

Are you ready for the reveal

Ain't you ready for this body

Like the Garden of Eden

I'll keep bein' the Free-ist

In the goldred sunset

I'll be chilling here all night

And if you snooze, you lose

Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked

Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked

Everything's hanging, all pasty

If it's a nightmare that's just you're taste yeah, taste yeah

I said Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked

I said Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked, Naked

I've got it, I'll flaunt it, it's swayin', swayin'

If you're scarred, there's no escapin'

I said Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked

(Mama best believe it, Mama best believe it) (Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked)

(Think I must be dreamin' . love this breeze I'm feelin') (Hey look Ma, I'm Naked)

(Mama best believe it, I'm feelin' so much free-er) (Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked)

(I think I hear sirens screamin')

Hey Look Ma, I'm Naked!